BPD, Abandonment and Accessibility

[ CW Mental Health BPD suicidal self harm ]

So I’ve been wondering what to say for #WorldMentalHealthDay it’s an odd thing I’m so open about my mental health and the intersections of issues between mental health and everything else it can be hard to know what to even talk about today. But I guess in the same way everyone talking about their mental health AT ALL is radical for them, maybe I should be open about sides of mental health I’m maybe more shy about. I wanna talk about my BPD and abandonment complex. But not in an empowering way, I just wanna vent so maybe people can understand

I’ve been struggling so much recently, as you all know I’ve gone from basically being isolated from everyone to having an actual queer family and network in relatively little time and I’m struggling with that. A lot is said about BPD folks always being afraid of people abandoning them, but no one every says how frequently these fears turn out to be true and no one says how much it hurts.

Every time I experience abandonment in some way it hurts. Not just hurts it’s a specific hurt my brain remembers and recalls every time. It’s the same intense hurt I felt the day my mother died, for those who know that bereavement recall that pain, for those who don’t try and imagine how devastating the feeling is as your mu is carried out of your house in a coffin in your teenage years. Now imagine that feeling constantly coming back, weekly and at times: Daily

Not via huge flashbacks mind, just from little interactions. The friend you thought you were getting to know suddenly being absent. Someone you’re speaking to suddenly giving you the cold shoulder. Something as small as that: The feeling comes back and it’s really THAT intense. Imagine that, imagine that life, cos that’s my life baayybbee. This is before we get into faux pas in more intimate relationships, espec with the wild west that is Polyamory where you can have a good rapport for someone and someone better then you can come along and: It’s over. The feelings comes back then and it doesn’t leave for a month, i’m supposed to pressure on with work and uni and life while feeling that. That is the worst part of BPD, to be punished so aggressively by yourself for mundane social interactions where no one’s to blame. There’s nothing to attack it from. It just is.

And like…. What am I gonna do? Tell the friends/partners in question I feel this way? And what? Get accused of emotional manipulating people as every BPD person is when they try to assert their feelings in any way shape or form? No you can’t, I learnt that fucking good and proper from my last relationship, if BPD folks stand up for themselves, your friends and partners will order ‘Walking on Eggshells’ on Amazon and weaponize your feelings against you, gaslight and abuse you. So you just have to sit on your feelings and when the self harm scars start propping up again just shrug and go “That’s the way it is”
Relationships, weather they be platonic or romantic, are not accessible for people like me

That sentence there ☝️ is how I’ve started to think about all this recently. Like it doesn’t have to be a case of suffering in silence and this be a proper I internalise and deal with myself. What if it CAN be viewed as an issue of accessibility? Then it was tackled in a similar way? I’ve been brainstorming ways to make an effort to try and advocate for myself and make my relationships more accessible. If I need accessibility is it not then a reasonable adjustment to ask someone for full disclosure on how they feel about me? Or for romance what their intention is with me?

I can already see the hurdles here. I’m autistic I already know people are gonna be sour about such an approach, espec romantically where we have a weird obsession with the ‘unsaid’ as this romantic trope. But fuck that I legit can’t deal with that and it’s fine! I’m going to make an effort to ask disclosure of people in the future, as awkward as it may be. There’s no established etiquette for this, it’s gonna be WEIRD but I wanna try it and maybe for the people I know it’ll be normalised.
That’s tough in another way, it requires both a level of trust that you have to take people’s responses at face value and believe them (So fucking hard) and a level of self assurance that you’re worth these extra adjustments when interacting with people. When you’re told you’re an other: Ugly, Grim, Undesirable, A gobshite, pyscho and ‘high maintenance’ your WHOLE LIFE it can be hard to wield that confidence. But I know it’s something I gotta do

I mean that’s kinda it honestly? I guess I just want to lay that done and say, if people with mental health issues are asking for these adjustments when speaking to you, if you care about that person just friggin do it lmao it takes so little and it means so much to us. We’re already putting ourselves at risk by subverting such a established way of being, like please help make our interacting with the world more accessible. From the autism side I’m deffo gonna start carrying meltdown cards and the like, there’s nothing wrong with asserting that the world should be more accessible for you.

Logical

The sins of my ancestors become the sins of the now,
When my tongues honed where it could clash with a katana.
But my targets are the ones who pat me on the back,
Naturally the usual response to that is a stab in the back.

He opens up his chest and I’m straight on the defence,
What the fuck does he mean when he says that?
Is he trying to brush my pain aside to make a point?
He says “I mean it’s not like how you go through it.”
The fact he didn’t take a decade to proof read every sentence,
That can only be a slight against me, perfect and precise.
So how about I take my drink and show him 2 fingers,
The most logical course of action to that.

He scratches the record to a screeching halt,
“What the fuck’s the matter?” He intervenes.
I wanna tell him how’s he’s not seeing me,
But who on the earth is seeing me,
If me hasn’t been me for this long,
Are they even me, is me even me anymore?
“I dunno.” As I stall for for some amount of time.
He came to this war with a bouquet and I still grazed him.

That’s the catch 22; I’m not seeing him,
A few Thyroids short and I’m not seeing anyone.
I’m seeing words and phrases that I’m trying to recognise,
Clutching my bug-net looking for the bogeyman.
THERE! I know someone who talked to me like that,
A past abuser from a eon gone by.
You thought that’d one would slip by me?
“What have I done to be suspicious?” He asks.
What you’ve done? Well you’ve done nothing,
But everyone at one point done nothing,
Until they start to do something,
And out of nowhere they’ve done everything.

Burn a bridge on a hunch,
Carjack your heart out on a probably,
I’m so dependant on the kindness of others,
While still backed up against the wall.
When a scratch goes down like decapitation,
You can’t take any chances on that.
Treat my company like a rental,
One wrong move it’s revoked from you.
“How can I be expected to love someone
Whose hand is always circling the eject button?”

Like I dunno man, but what’s the alternative?
Cos I’m getting too old to nurse another wound,
When it’s week 2 chained to my bedroom,
Keeping my psyche together with PV glue,
As yet another chance to succeed is doomed.
Another degree flies on by, another career down the drain,
The hand outs will stop, and I’ll be marking my grave.

– Sebastian Noël (For Mental Health Awareness Week)

Never Trust A Compliment

“Oh Seb, why do you have such low self-esteem?”
While a magnitude 7 transpires in my pocket,
As if to answer that very question.
A letter in the bandwidth arrives on my shores,
Meticulously designed to remind me:
I was born of flawed clay and to there I’ll return.
Any avenue not filled they’ll find there way;
Whatsapp, Insta or Kik. It’s all game.

Don’t tell me the lens focuses ‘Too much’ on the anti,
Cos every pleasantly is temporary.
All smiles turn into frowns, if given time.
Offers to hang out turn into reaching excuses.
She’ll let you know “Boy you’re so valid.”
She’ll say “You try so hard to illuminate those in your gaze.”
Two crumbs of Twix on her shoes later however:
I’ll epitomise a callous generation of dregs.

Danni holds my hand by the riverside,
When I accidentally get some water on her dress.
“I never asked to be with such a mental case.”
She advises me to get the 47 bus home.

Allie smiles over her mocha on our anniversary,
When I ordered a gingerbread latte when I meant hazelnut.
“You don’t know how to love anyone, and never will.”
I’m left alone with a cold drink I didn’t even want.

I’m staring Christine down the alter,
Her hand in mine, as we say our vows.
With a decade of hardships behind us,
With an extra year or two of love to call our own.
I look my bride longingly in the eyes,
And accidentally put the ring on her index finger.
“Everything they said about you is true, you’re such a cunt.”
SEB!? WHY DO YOU HAVE SUCH LOW SELF-ESTEEM!?

I can be the apple lodged in someone’s eye
And a thorn infesting their side by tomorrow.
The slander is what sticks,
While compliments are temporary,
Until you start to taste foul in their mouths
And we all know that nothing is succulent eternally.
So I believe what everlasts,
Not what only stays present on good behaviour.

Sebastian Noël

Proud Spastic (W.I.P)

An interaction goes fine, proceeding streamline
But uh oh something’s amiss
I spoke too tactless, pronounced my ‘um’ too harsh
Place a ‘come on’ where it shouldn’t go
That’s all it takes for young minds to rage
For the olive to transform to a thorny rose
On the surface your fine, hey your just defending yo’ self
But better should’ve known then to talk to a retard right?
Well like your crocodile smile, the output don’t align
With the intention of inside being sublime
If you hear me out, I just wanna help man
But that’s an ear too much for ‘one of us’ I guess

Diagnosis on the rise, we’re gonna take over in our prime
It’s an epidemic in the USA, we’ll have to start to carry in time
Carry empathy, an extra beat, a shift in social attitudes
It’s a fucking PC nightmare I tell ya dude!
It’s in the food, it’s on the television
It’s in the water, it’s in the vaccines
Cut the vax, let the little Christian child shiver in his bed
Cos his mumma would rather he die then become one of us
Nah your right, bring back the penalty just for us
Missing the cue from that joke: Get the chair
Wall flowering at the party: Get the injection
Truly death is our only salvation

Oh it’s a slasher fic in my room
You guessed it, another NT gettin’ tetchy
Oh god the spastics out, proper blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
Well I ain’t gonna shy from no blah’s
I’m spastic plain and simple
And I won’t curb my tongue when I’m excited
I won’t sit still and bind in the corner
I repeat jokes, I spit when I pronounce my P’s
I miss the punchline, I misinterpret the word
I mistake being condescending for agency
I trip over my big-ass tongue every sentence
But if that’s your do or die, what’s that say about you?
Sorry I bring discord to your community
Sorry I put a kink in your perfect victim complex
Sorry I was born, and I promise I’m sorry I exist
But neither me nor any of us are going anywhere
But man you love us on the job right?
“You lot are good with computers right?”
“He comes in everyday and doesn’t complain”
Oh yeah THEN you can’t get enough of us, don’t need no cure
But when your one to one at the end of a coffee mug
And you realize you have to suppress the freedom on your tongue
Then it all goes out of the window don’t it?

Another scar on the arm, but no skin off my nose
I take my technicolour mind, and inspire on someone else’s time
I’ll create on someone else’s time
I’ll advise on someone else’s time
You can talk down to me on someone else’s time
Talk about me like an animal on someone else’s time
Like when the plastic activist raises a brow
“Is this spastic talking back to me?”
Like when masculinity erodes in my hands
“Is this spastic squaring up to me?”
Yeah this spastic make’s a point too
He’s got more to him then a stagnant shot straight mind
Shock! He knows the facts you need too
Shock! He can understand the opinion of others
Shock! He can socialize, hell even start a conversation
Shock! He can bring the charm if he chooses too
Out done by ‘one of them’, yeah you bet
I’ll forget more then you’ll ever know
My comment lands harder then your entire routine
I draw in, in the time it takes you to repeal
And you bet when I hit the sheets, it’s fucking Armageddon
While they Bambi to the phone to call in sick for work
They ask me how on earth I do me?
You know, I know, everyone should already know
It’s the same reason I cast the comments and scream it loud:
I’m a proud spastic!

Sebastian Noël

Explaining Borderline: The Poem

So to pre-face and explain the beginning of this poem, when preformed live this poem is intended to INTERUPT the performance of another poem, so I wrote some generic love poem lines here but the poem that’s interrupted by the 2nd character can literally be any other poem
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We were granted pause for one summer to explore
But I don’t think we liked what we found
It makes (SEB!) you reach by instinct
For nostalgia’s blanket (SEB!)
You and me Lying (SEB!) on the bedroom floor (SEB!)
And (SEB!) You uh… (SEB!)

SEB! SEB! SEB! SEB! SEB!

SEB! Stop with all this lovely stuff and consider your health
Cos if you don’t get us some much needed attention
I’ll make you hurt yourself
And not just a few scratches I promise!

So many thoughts going through the brain

SEB! Your friends haven’t spoken to you in a week!
Tell ‘em to fuck off, you could be getting better friends

It’s giving me a migraine

SEB! Look! She choose to meet that date over you
Split on that bitch! Get a new best friend, don’t matter who

I would literally walk tip-toe through hell

SEB! That’s the 5th happy couple you’ve seen today
So for fucks sake, make a shitty comment to keep ’em at bay!

To able to control my thoughts for a spell

Cos the Sertraline doesn’t work
Cos the Mirtazapine doesn’t work
Cos the Citalopram doesn’t work
Cos the Dopamine boosts don’t work
Cos the Qutetiapine doesn’t work
Cos the Lithum doesn’t work

My cells are slowly depleting
My heart rate’s increasing
The borders of my vision are blurring
But still she’s always lurking

SEB! You’re 23 and haven’t found someone to love
Or even some who even likes you? I’m losing hope
If you can’t find someone to help us soon
I’ll wring our hands around our fucking neck!

Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Seeeeb! Seb Seb Seb!
Sebby! Seb! Sebarrgoo! Sebbby! Seb!
Seb! Seb! Seb! Seb! Seb! Seb! Seb! Seb!
Se-Bas-Tee-On! Seb! Seb! Seeeeeeb!

Hey Seb! Our best friends are lovely aren’t they?
Let’s fantasize about how me we love them all fucking day
Hey Seb! Fuck it let’s just ask them all out, like a proper tit
Fuck the consequences let’s just do it, even if we don’t feel it
Hey Seb! We look like fucking shit
Let’s pour millions into clothes till something hits
Hey Seb! You never got that text from Sally!
So let’s get so pissed we wake up, fucked in an alley
Hey Seb! It’ll all be worth it for cheap thrills
It’s not like we’re gonna be hit with a huge phone bill
Hey Seb! No one fucking cares if we live or die! L-O-L
So let’s try and commit suicide off the cathedral bell

Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb!
Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb!
Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb!
Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb!
Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb!
Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb!
Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb!
Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb! Hey Seb!

I’M NOT GONNA FUCKING LEAVE YOU ALONE
TILL YOU INDULGE WHAT I’M TELLING YOU SEB!

SEB!

Sebastian Noël

†-dressing (W.I.P)

“You’re so damn polarising” they say
“Just tone it down” They always tell me
But it’s just too much fun this way
Pick out aspects from the bed sheets
I shouldn’t be out of the house
I shouldn’t be out of my room
They send me cheques in the mail telling me so
When just getting up’s rebelling, what’cha to do?

Do you just keep it to yourself
Try and get away with it in the crowd
Or do you proclaim it loudly?
Put 2 out of 100 on double work load
Neither one feels like the right way
Nothing steeped in sane logical thought ever does
If I’m a lost cause anyway who cares?
I’m a major league on BBC4 with no rule book

So what I do is give in to absolutely everything
Until the outside feels like the inside
Slap on the leggings and the microscopic shorts
Hidden by grandma’s manufactured hand-me-down
Trying to emulate the only people I’ve admired
Till I’m the person they turn to admire
Then maybe they’ll treat me like them too
So sweet, so pure, so sought after
Eyes burning through my sweater; a dream come true
Outlined by the dance floor every Friday night

For better or for worse…

A finger nail marking down my sides
And the Mayans secure my place in the cosmos
Cos I was never born to survive
A laundry list of conversation stoppers
A hasty count town timer
Exchange the blind eye for pricing sight
To delay the snuffing out of my light
Do you think I look beautiful tonight?
Do you think I got the hang of appropriating right?
Cos I was born to a club that only ever hurt me
If I didn’t want to kill them where they stood
I wanted to rip their fucking tongues out
Have you ever been attracted to what disgusts you?
As their stubble scratches you in the moonlight

I’ll think I’ll just stick to the Yin
But I can’t help but compete with ‘em
I want to be the them they want to be everyday
I want them to be terrified of picking an outfit, lest we clash
So I guess it’s back to Yang with every intent to replace
What I’d give to receive the love you give them
That last puppy in the pound level of attention
To erase life itself, till your the prettiest girl in the room
Hand on heart reciting the psychotics oath
Cos there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to get that love
I’d go from Mr to Mrs to back again
I’ll let you call me anything you want
Dress me like a doll, put me on parole
Just to be wanted, just to be found
To be the centre of attention
The apple of anyone’s eye
I tell you I’ll do absolutely anything
And that ain’t no lie

Sebastian Noël

It Never Ends

The biggest mistake we make as a species
Is that we think that it could ever end
No path to enlightenment ever concludes
No evil targeting your lively hood ever relents
Is the thought that drives people to the grave
That no Miami tinted destination will greet you
The reward comes with doing the act itself
No drug on the earth with emancipate you
The struggle never ends
The nightmare never ends
Self-betterment never ends
Progress never halts
Growth is never stunted
The light is never in reach
The goal is always out of reach
The reach is inconceivable

Cos where does that leave us?
Sitting with our mouths a gape
Waiting for the drip feed to release us
Never opening our eyes to how it enslaves us
The beginning never ends
The learning never ends
The pain won’t let up
The cure isn’t gonna come
Demands won’t stop coming in
The possibilities won’t expand
Yet the solution never changes
The climax is never unattractive
A finale won’t ever spoil
As your motivation, or as your reason
But the 3rd act doesn’t exist
The 74th act is never the last
The book isn’t gonna close
Cos the end has no end

Sebastian Noël