Tag: bpd

They Call Me Yggdrasil

The drunks and the socialites, they call me Yggdrasil
As my vines soak up another Broadside
Your back to the wall is the best vantage point
You can’t keep tabs on the tigers as they patrol the pine
They smile and purr as they mark your arms
But each and everyone hides a torch behind their backs
Their eyes like fireflies as they sway in the dark
And I don’t think I get away from any danger
They say 23 is in the prime of youth
Then why is the bark peeling of my skin
More and more of my face is being left behind
And I don’t think my denizens recognize me anymore
The only curse I’m under is my inability to lie
I see my brethren wipe clay on the pours and call it skin
But I’m not ready to succumb to the mould
I refuse to accept I wasted my youth in southern comforts
There’s so many camellias.and lotuses I can add to my branch
So please tell me the face I have to wear, so I can get there
And maybe you’ll obstruct my path again
You possess many forms but I know you’re the same mind
Then you wrap yourself around my roots
And your soul secretes that gorgeous lilac haze
This time I won’t leech your life away, to fuel mine
I’ll let you exert pressure and rip me out of the soil
Cos we’re the polar opposites of our nature
While my body remains, my soul continuously changed
So I hope when you peel back the oak
You can find comfort in whatever you find

Lnc0

What’s Bad About Wanting Attention?

I’ll level with all of you reading at home
I’ll take dramatic over bored any day
Dancing with the butterfly knifes
Over decomposing in my chair
My circles looking at me with concern
Over looking right through me
The growl of death over the waltz of life
…Well At least in theory

You can call it attention seeking
…Well yeah what else would you call it?
But I noticed no one else has to ask
As if it’s a necessary human need
As if my world curls and breaks
While I fester through another lonely Costa afternoon

I mould at the back of the place
Keep my gaze on the peepshow outside
I see the peppy mid-twenties darlings
Their follicles in constant contact
And my heart starts to sink
I look at my skin like collapsed timber
Do the creases feel like razor blades?
Would it feel like ash if you stroked my hands?
Does every inch of my thigh feel like splinters?
When did my body start to disgust people like that?

So I plan a season finale
A fall from grace, a decent from the heavenly throne
Courtesy of Head Street
Jeered on by the stone gargoyles
With enough eyes on me
That I’ll get empathy systematically
And then maybe they’d visit me later
While I take a break in the trauma ward
And they’ll look at me and they’ll say
“I’m glad your still alive Sebastian”
That’s more vindication in a single breath
Then I bleed out from my lovers and allies
In what feels like the 3rd lap of my lifetime
Attention seeking? Why of course

What else could you possibly call it?
But am I not entitled to it?

Lnc0

You Have To Want To Help, Therein Lies The Problem; You Don’t

I bid them adieu
I say sayonara, au revoir
As everyone who kept close
Starts to board for smoother seas
They’ve grown so tired of my shit
They don’t have to say
Especially in the current climate
Where I take a look away as a stab in the back

It’s always a bad prophecy
Like a siern’s perish song
Any resemblance of affection
Always destined to change
Under the blood moon’s ray
Into venomous slurs and bile

I see your attention fading
A sure-fire sign
I know it’s gonna sting
So why prolong it?
I always bombard you with tragedy
Your loved ones put a price on my head
Objectively I make your life worse
So why not rip the band-aid early?
So you can avoid any guilt
I’ll just get it over with and tell you to fuck off

There’s no prayer that can save me now
I’m too deep into it now
Drop the flash grenade
And head for the hills
Cos once your marked
It’s impossible to wash it away
And it can only end in tears
Unless you really can save me
Keep an ear out for my cries
Douse the fire in my soul
But I know you’re all the same
If it’s not an obligation to domestic misery
It’s the flipside: a full-time infatuation sceptical
A much better use of your time
Then to be used on a lost soul like me
So don’t get my hopes up, stay away from me

Lnc0

Why Me? [Draft]

I just can’t do it
Rimming around the outskirts of my mocha
Trying to grab the clauses from the air
To build us something resembling small talk
Cos that’s what sane people would do right?
Keep it all composed
Shoot eachother satin laced nods and smiles
Where so happy to hear that of each other
Except we couldn’t possibly be in reality could we?
Just tell me why, why didn’t you come?

Where the fuck have you been?
I remember during toaster filtered summer nights
Tearing up in your bedroom, clutching my paws
You were so afraid we’d drift so far apart
You said you didn’t want me to ever leave
That you wanted to do everything to keep me around
I bet you applauded yourself for that one, Oscar worthy even
You can count me among those who fell for it

I know how much more stimuli you get now
From your new life with all the temporary high cads
But when your alone at night….
Who am I kidding? A girl like you is never fucking alone
A slightly fawning cough and they run up in miles
But lets say you could bring yourself to be alone once
Do you never flick thorough the blackbox
And remember the times you said you’d be there
The times you said it killed you to see me hurt
When I’m veiled top to bottom in sulking tears
With my arms covered in blood
Concealing the blade in my jacket pocket
Did you ever think that got any better with time?
Do you just not care anymore?
And if you don’t…. Tell me why?
What made you stop caring?
Weather or not I lived or died?
Why…  What did I do? Why me?
Aren’t you worried about me? …Why?

I know I got more rancid as time went on
I arrived as a beacon of lost hope
And turned into a broken brake light
I got so much worse as time went on
I stopped trying to look any good
My hair got more shit and grim
I got so much more fatter
I stopped being someone you could show off
I kept feeling sick around your friends
Because how embarrassing it must of felt to be around me
I could never be like the ones you fawned over
Never be clean cut, Never be cute and nerdy, Never be a virgin
Was that a mistake when you first met me?
Did you smile start to drop when it dawned on you
The real me
The worse me
The fucking worse and worse and worse me
Wrong in every fucking capacity
Then why? What business did you have with me?
Tell me why? Just… Tell me why?
What’s happening to me?
Why me?

The Post Diagnosis Post-mortem

There’s no point stressing, there’s no point in crying
No need to cause any carnage, stir up any chaos
Because nothing you’ll find inside, will familiarize
Anything people used to recognize, has been recontextualized
No wayline leads you to anywhere you remember
I’ve said it before in a poem, and it bears repeating
While it’s nice to learn ‘how’ your cogs work
But I could’ve done without ‘why’
Like a switch to a tinted lense filter
I question the beauty previously seen
Actions of bravery, once redeemed
When taken upon malicious sirens
The sort cherry picked to do you harm
Well ‘harm’ as maybe once interpreted
Because I don’t feel very heroic anymore
Infact like a pretentious student film
It turns out I’m the one who’s all wrong
Taking a bedding of serenity and security
And throwing it out to the casualty list
The hypocrisy of the hateful approach
Tying myself to the train tracks when I’m the driver
I just wanted you to care, with a care in the world
But care can’t thrive in the danger zone
And shit, am I ever in danger now
It didn’t have a name and a face before
But if only I knew then what I know now
We could’ve both solved the mechanics inside