Never Trust A Compliment

“Oh Seb, why do you have such low self-esteem?”
While a magnitude 7 transpires in my pocket,
As if to answer that very question.
A letter in the bandwidth arrives on my shores,
Meticulously designed to remind me:
I was born of flawed clay and to there I’ll return.
Any avenue not filled they’ll find there way;
Whatsapp, Insta or Kik. It’s all game.

Don’t tell me the lens focuses ‘Too much’ on the anti,
Cos every pleasantly is temporary.
All smiles turn into frowns, if given time.
Offers to hang out turn into reaching excuses.
She’ll let you know “Boy you’re so valid.”
She’ll say “You try so hard to illuminate those in your gaze.”
Two crumbs of Twix on her shoes later however:
I’ll epitomise a callous generation of dregs.

Danni holds my hand by the riverside,
When I accidentally get some water on her dress.
“I never asked to be with such a mental case.”
She advises me to get the 47 bus home.

Allie smiles over her mocha on our anniversary,
When I ordered a gingerbread latte when I meant hazelnut.
“You don’t know how to love anyone, and never will.”
I’m left alone with a cold drink I didn’t even want.

I’m staring Christine down the alter,
Her hand in mine, as we say our vows.
With a decade of hardships behind us,
With an extra year or two of love to call our own.
I look my bride longingly in the eyes,
And accidentally put the ring on her index finger.
“Everything they said about you is true, you’re such a cunt.”
SEB!? WHY DO YOU HAVE SUCH LOW SELF-ESTEEM!?

I can be the apple lodged in someone’s eye
And a thorn infesting their side by tomorrow.
The slander is what sticks,
While compliments are temporary,
Until you start to taste foul in their mouths
And we all know that nothing is succulent eternally.
So I believe what everlasts,
Not what only stays present on good behaviour.

Sebastian Noël

Ab-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b

I can’t call it what it is
My genetics haven’t earned that yet
I don’t know what you’d call it then
Maybe we ain’t gotta call it anything
Cos even without a name it’s marks made clear
The apprehension that colours the bar
As a Walkers crisps ash haired beauty comes through
Clashing teeth on her fraying wool
That’s just like a darling like you
I guess?
But I can’t help but feel you’ll make a mug of me
The blame for that rests a million miles from you
I don’t even need to think much about the one responsible
You can find her like an aging marble of Magdalene
Surrounded by eggshells of her own creation
Stuck on a menacing grin
All her declarations are interchangeable
All her loves are replaceable
That’s when affection loses it’s value
That’s when defection loses it’s weight
But without a source of verification
Who’s gonna verify that outside of the two of us?
Who’s gonna babysit the love that blooms?
I’ve been beaten down to the state of an infant
Burning any bridge I called my own
For a 1/100 odds of a pacifying narrative
Cos freedom isn’t the sobering conclusion it once were
Like a spatula on sunburn, it’s agony
How’s a spade a spade in a world like this?
How’s anyone chatting honestly under surveillance?
You hide the rouge tinted mitts behind your back
None of this is your handiwork you reiterate
I don’t see anyone else with the keys to my coat
If anxiety is the excuser of all malice
Then boy are WE all fucked!

Sebastian Noël

You Cannot Claim Isolation, Then Swipe Away The Hand That Heals

Hey Seb, Please Seb, Why Seb,
Please talk to me Seb, Hey Seb
Why Seb, How Seb, Please Seb
Can’t you see me? Can’t you hear me?
Please Seb, Hey Seb, Answer us Seb
Can’t you feel me? Can’t you touch me?
Let me know I’m still real, Please I gotta know
That you can see me, that I can still be?
Open the door Seb, Please Seb
Or did you give up? And only a spectre remains?
Why Seb, Answer the phone Seb, Please
Why did you decide to see through me
Is that why I can’t prophesize you
Stay alive, Please, Why Seb
Don’t you see me? Don’t you need me?
You could’ve called me anytime
Why wait till your writhing
You can end the suffering anytime
You know you could
Why keep going Seb? Please stop it
Touch me Seb, Why, Love me, Please
Don’t you believe me? Please
Why continue not to see me?
Why can’t you embrace me?
What keeps you in the torture chamber?
Come on Seb, Please, Why can’t you? Please
Illuminate my collided crystallines
Permeate my gilded leather
Contextualize my deserted skin
Oh god why? Anything Please, I can’t watch
Penalise my eyes, bypass corroded ties
Why do you want me to watch you die?
Anything to brutalise
The one man you want to pulverise
Stop it Seb, We care about you Seb, Stop, Please
Why you wanna hurt so bad?
How can you hate anything that bad?
Why Seb, Please Seb, No Seb, Stop Seb

Sebastian Noël

Legion

An ancient infantry tactic, resurrected and rebranded for 2016
I think they call it “The Esteem Team” these days
All to get out of meeting your lost love’s gaze
Cos who knows what it’d stir if we got empathy involved

Surrounded by the lighthouse beacons
Why you gotta show me your back again?
With your eyes fixated on nothing
Acting like your above the entire planet?
But your scouts gave up the ghost
Giving me the up and down, filing the scriptures
Like a flock of bees relaying to their queen
You can see everything without looking at me once

But that begs the question, why the cabaret?
What is it your hoping to keep out of view?
Don’t you like the implication that naturally follows
With looking a fellow homosapien in the eye?
It’s the only indicator that you still kept a part of your humanity
But what then? When the weasels whisper back to your ears?
I’m not gonna stay invisible for your convenience
I won’t flash puppy dog eyes to fuel your narrative

Cos I know it’s not what you wanna hear
But I’m doin’ just fine, even if unlike you
I may be lacking the trench coat romance
But maybe I’m better then ever
Free to say what I do and don’t like
Without a vice grip choking my personality out

And does it creep you out
To see all the boys and girls in the bar
Handing out stares like they’re charity?
Creating more and more evidence as they go
That life continues outside your storybook
And that we’re not waiting on the bench
Counting down the seconds to be written back in
Cos the sequel might just outsell the original

So while the platoon’s still in the legion formation
You best retreat to the corner of the place
Cos what you saw as power, was sweet life blooming
And that’s something that is no ones to take
You see these vanilla cream enlistees?
The one’s you spoke of like a raisin in a Victoria Sponge
They offer me the Parma Violet quips
All while intending to leave me intact
Somehow, I think I’ll survive you

Sebastian Noël

Detachment Blues

I feel like I’ve been chewing on
The contents of a Sunday morning
Ever since I told you to go fuck yourself
And you complied with my demands

Just feels like the clouds hurdle around now
And the vibrance seeps from the canvas
The victim of all my favourite thoughts
My favourite page when going through the memories
Feels like I’m resurrecting from my grave
Simply when I populate your atmosphere
Every time you validate my appearance before you
When you specifically call me to the plate
It’s the closest I’ve come to a believer
When I see the image of god in your eyes

Your imprinted in my cellular make-up
But I’ve had to have you extracted
A chips appeared in the narrative facade
And I got to cut of the dead weight
Cos I’ve seen you gather that surge from another
And it breaks my heart to know your vision
Doesn’t interpret me in your life
The same way I do to you, in mine
Your welcome to add the beauty to their world
I welcome back the erosion of mine

But that doesn’t mean your positions been filled
Heck it doesn’t mean your even fired
I’m hoping for that grand parade of invasion
Where the walls collapse from you to me
For the sake of that grandiose apology
Then you’d reattach your veins to mine
And I can accept god in my life again

Sebastian Noël

A part of the XXXXXXXXX series

Elatiamania World Paris

Let me indulge in it a little
God knows It’s rare I get like this
So elated I start to alienate
Like a ticking time bomb; half dynamite, half confetti
Lets take full advantage of this!
Course I can’t afford it, but who gives a fuck!

Let’s hop on the train to a fairy tale chapter
All the places you said you wanted to go
Sketch all the cafe’s you dreamed of
London, Paris, The rings of Saturn

~ It’s so dangerous to be this happy ~
~~~ I’m so scared right now ~~~

Why wait? Lets fuck off right now
Lay in the most poorly lit field
4am will fly right by us
Steal our dad’s strongest punch from the stash
Till technicolour lights escape imagination
And grace a tour stop in the grim reality

~ It’s so dangerous to be this happy ~
~~~ I’m so scared right now ~~~

Lets stare into each others eyes
I’ll tell you if you ever left I’d fucking die
I’d karate kick the ghost and sprites
Until the moonlight respites

~ It’s so dangerous to be this happy ~
~~~ I’m so scared right now ~~~

We’re in the backyard of the pensioners and politicians
But if you feel the earths burn too
Then I offer myself to your whims
It’s a new shirt but a noble sacrifice
You can leave as much evidence up and down my body
As your little wildheart desires

~ It’s so dangerous to be this happy ~
~~~ I’m so scared right now ~~~

Take every watt of electricity and let it possess you
Every sector reprogram’s the husk in another way
I become every soul on the planet at once

~ It’s so dangerous to be this happy ~
~~~ I’m so scared right now ~~~

It makes each blade of grass feel like a wave
From the crutches of Niagara

~ It’s so dangerous to be this happy ~
~~~ I’m so scared right now ~~~

I don’t want to live without this

~ It’s so dangerous to be this happy ~
~~~ I’m so scared right now ~~~

I can’t live without this

~ It’s so dangerous to be this happy ~
~~~ I’m so scared right now ~~~

thisthsithsiihTHIShtithsi

~ It’s so dangerous to be this happy ~
~~~ I’m so scared right now ~~~
~~ I’m so scared right now ~~
~ I’m so scared right now ~
I’m so scared right now
I’m so scared right now
I’m so scared right now
I’m so scared right now
I’m so scared right now
I’m so scared right now
I’m so scared right now
I’m so scared right now
I’m so scared right now
I’m so scared right now
I’m so scared right now
I’m so scared right now
I’m so scared right now
I’m so scared right now
I’m so scared right now
I’m so scared right now

For Mental Health Awareness Month

Lnc0

Meeeeeeeeeeer [W.I.P]

I grow tired of it
Of everyone blindly gabbing on my praises
Such a clear fucking lie
It’s why people can’t connect the opinion to the man

I bow down to peoples feet
Before clocking them on the chin
I run my hands through their hair
Before yanking a chunk of it out
I cry when they go
I groan when they stay
I buy any myth people throw my way
And keep the blindfold on the whole time
Only for my stomach to retch
At the revel of the sequels

But I’m the sight to be retched at surely?
Bruises and lashes from the tongue
All posed to the recipients
While keeping the answer book to myself
Not even a hint, not even a clue
If they can’t figure out, they don’t deserve to know
That’s the fun-loving logic you could deserve
When you strike a convo with that sulk at the bar

But now the documents leaked
And the stage by stage analysis is in public hands
Does it answer anything? Did it fill you in at all?
Does it make you see me as less of a nutcase?
At the very least does it explain
Why I kiss the feet of people who deserve a smack
And smack the people who deserve a kiss?
And if it does explain, do you understand?

Cos right now when the opinion reaches anyone’s ear
I have a hell of a job explaining the false advertising

Lnc0

CBT: Round 1

Apprehension, fear, paranoia, intolerance
Brattyness, stubbornness, unhelpfulness
Worse cocktails have been mixed on Clacton’s shores
I know it must taste like champagne in comparison
But you can’t just ignore those scrunched up mugs
“Oh god” They go “THAT’S why your here?”
Even the convicts scoff at that
“I’ve done a murder, but holy geez I weren’t a prick about it”

…Maaaybe they didn’t actually say that
I am filling the blanks of prolonged silence
But it’s grim to see your deplorable self
As the version you get up an pronounce publicly
On file, like the main cut from a DVD
Not a B-side, but as the lead single
Don’t like it? Great, join the club
I’m not here cos I’m fond of it myself y’know?

Abandonment issues are ugly
The rapid from self-pity to vanity is ugly
Every ounce of guys is ugly
It’s all fucking ugly really ain’t it?
So lets just get on with it
Hang out the dirty washing
And set the whole thing on fire
Before putting the ashes in your morning brew

“Lol wuteva, that ain’t me mate”

Lnc0

The End Of The 4 Nights Of Hell

I’ve been kicked out of heaven
But I don’t belong here in hell
And limbos such a fucking bore
So I guess I got to keep on living here

Looking back on it all, back on these 4 nights
I can’t even remember what I was even looking for
I waved my hand out to the crowd
Looking for another soul to grab onto
And I found them, I found more then you could know
So many that the boys looked at me with envy
But anything I caught a hold of crumbled in my hands
Like blood flowing through my fingers
And I could feel the critters crawl up my skin
Everyone seems to enjoy it, so why can’t I?
Absence cuts through my sanity like a knife
But that’s pocket change in comparison
To the fallout when suspect entities draw near
I’ll take fucking anyone, but anyone’s not good enough
And every night just collapses right in front of my eyes
And I’m the only one occupying my space
I tore the IV from my arm in order to be free
But now I’m out here with all the control in the world
I’m just counting the days to be bound again
And that’s a cycle no one wants to witness

I want to spend every second of clear time
To polish and perfect my little creations
Maybe if I finally made something of worth
The right people would gravitate towards me
If I finally learnt the bloody guitar
People would want to be around me
But I just spend that precious time earned
Staring at a series of menus and profiles
Begging again and again
SOMEONE PLEASE BREATHE LIFE INTO ME!
No matter how I pray into the void
Nobody came

Whatever god is pulling the strings on causality
Won’t you hear my pleas and cries?
Let me break the barriers of mortality
Let me sprout wings, let me take flight
Cos the pain of solitude gets more overbearing each day
And seeing people all round me, progressing faster and faster
Hand in hand, with someone who wouldn’t dare let them go
When they find my dead body, they’ll say it’s that what killed me
I’d love to become a coward, just give up on it all
But I have an obligation to the lives I’ve touched
They’re looking at me with expecting eyes
And I hate coming up empty handed everytime
What can I tell you man? I can’t stop crying every night
Unless someone comes in, grabs me by the hands
Kisses me on the head and promises everythings gonna be allright

But I know for now the cycles due again
So suit up, make yourself look nice
Cos here comes the next 4 nights of hell

Lnc0

A part of the ‘4 Nights Of Hell’