Tag: borderline personality disorder

Your Armageddon, My Distraction

The simple stroll has gained significant difficulty
No matter the surface I traverse I track dirt
5cm thick of mud and grass
As I pass hour 2 walking on concrete
6cm … 7cm … 8cm
I’m shocked they let me into the cafe

I can’t make it out with my eyes
But I feel the eyeball coming out of my palm
And the tentacles coming out of my pours
What to believe in the end?
The sight or the follicles
Each one making an argument for being ground in reality

Maybe there’s only one way to find out
Give into the quirks my twitches alluded too
And act on that split second desire
To tear myself apart just to see how that goes
Grab the Gillette and disconnect the webs of my fingers
Pull the eyelids from my brow
Peel back the banana skin like Krokodil
And see if any of it is really there

Feels so real to the touch
Even that which can’t be seen
But again who am I to believe?
I’ve not had a witness corroborate it in days
Even so they might feel it too
To terrified to admit it to the world
Are we all deluded by the creature underneath?
Like Lovecraft, would it drive us mad to really know?

This coffin is suffocating, I’d love to rip it all off
But the outsiders concern confirms what’s reality
Least in the ballot of the consensus
Even then is that to be trusted?
Cos the soil is still sticking to my feet
Yet the floor remains spotless

Lnc0

Meeeeeeeeeeer [W.I.P]

I grow tired of it
Of everyone blindly gabbing on my praises
Such a clear fucking lie
It’s why people can’t connect the opinion to the man

I bow down to peoples feet
Before clocking them on the chin
I run my hands through their hair
Before yanking a chunk of it out
I cry when they go
I groan when they stay
I buy any myth people throw my way
And keep the blindfold on the whole time
Only for my stomach to retch
At the revel of the sequels

But I’m the sight to be retched at surely?
Bruises and lashes from the tongue
All posed to the recipients
While keeping the answer book to myself
Not even a hint, not even a clue
If they can’t figure out, they don’t deserve to know
That’s the fun-loving logic you could deserve
When you strike a convo with that sulk at the bar

But now the documents leaked
And the stage by stage analysis is in public hands
Does it answer anything? Did it fill you in at all?
Does it make you see me as less of a nutcase?
At the very least does it explain
Why I kiss the feet of people who deserve a smack
And smack the people who deserve a kiss?
And if it does explain, do you understand?

Cos right now when the opinion reaches anyone’s ear
I have a hell of a job explaining the false advertising

Lnc0

CBT: Round 1

Apprehension, fear, paranoia, intolerance
Brattyness, stubbornness, unhelpfulness
Worse cocktails have been mixed on Clacton’s shores
I know it must taste like champagne in comparison
But you can’t just ignore those scrunched up mugs
“Oh god” They go “THAT’S why your here?”
Even the convicts scoff at that
“I’ve done a murder, but holy geez I weren’t a prick about it”

…Maaaybe they didn’t actually say that
I am filling the blanks of prolonged silence
But it’s grim to see your deplorable self
As the version you get up an pronounce publicly
On file, like the main cut from a DVD
Not a B-side, but as the lead single
Don’t like it? Great, join the club
I’m not here cos I’m fond of it myself y’know?

Abandonment issues are ugly
The rapid from self-pity to vanity is ugly
Every ounce of guys is ugly
It’s all fucking ugly really ain’t it?
So lets just get on with it
Hang out the dirty washing
And set the whole thing on fire
Before putting the ashes in your morning brew

“Lol wuteva, that ain’t me mate”

Lnc0

The End Of The 4 Nights Of Hell

I’ve been kicked out of heaven
But I don’t belong here in hell
And limbos such a fucking bore
So I guess I got to keep on living here

Looking back on it all, back on these 4 nights
I can’t even remember what I was even looking for
I waved my hand out to the crowd
Looking for another soul to grab onto
And I found them, I found more then you could know
So many that the boys looked at me with envy
But anything I caught a hold of crumbled in my hands
Like blood flowing through my fingers
And I could feel the critters crawl up my skin
Everyone seems to enjoy it, so why can’t I?
Absence cuts through my sanity like a knife
But that’s pocket change in comparison
To the fallout when suspect entities draw near
I’ll take fucking anyone, but anyone’s not good enough
And every night just collapses right in front of my eyes
And I’m the only one occupying my space
I tore the IV from my arm in order to be free
But now I’m out here with all the control in the world
I’m just counting the days to be bound again
And that’s a cycle no one wants to witness

I want to spend every second of clear time
To polish and perfect my little creations
Maybe if I finally made something of worth
The right people would gravitate towards me
If I finally learnt the bloody guitar
People would want to be around me
But I just spend that precious time earned
Staring at a series of menus and profiles
Begging again and again
SOMEONE PLEASE BREATHE LIFE INTO ME!
No matter how I pray into the void
Nobody came

Whatever god is pulling the strings on causality
Won’t you hear my pleas and cries?
Let me break the barriers of mortality
Let me sprout wings, let me take flight
Cos the pain of solitude gets more overbearing each day
And seeing people all round me, progressing faster and faster
Hand in hand, with someone who wouldn’t dare let them go
When they find my dead body, they’ll say it’s that what killed me
I’d love to become a coward, just give up on it all
But I have an obligation to the lives I’ve touched
They’re looking at me with expecting eyes
And I hate coming up empty handed everytime
What can I tell you man? I can’t stop crying every night
Unless someone comes in, grabs me by the hands
Kisses me on the head and promises everythings gonna be allright

But I know for now the cycles due again
So suit up, make yourself look nice
Cos here comes the next 4 nights of hell

Lnc0

A part of the ‘4 Nights Of Hell’

They Call Me Yggdrasil

The drunks and the socialites, they call me Yggdrasil
As my vines soak up another Broadside
Your back to the wall is the best vantage point
You can’t keep tabs on the tigers as they patrol the pine
They smile and purr as they mark your arms
But each and everyone hides a torch behind their backs
Their eyes like fireflies as they sway in the dark
And I don’t think I get away from any danger
They say 23 is in the prime of youth
Then why is the bark peeling of my skin
More and more of my face is being left behind
And I don’t think my denizens recognize me anymore
The only curse I’m under is my inability to lie
I see my brethren wipe clay on the pours and call it skin
But I’m not ready to succumb to the mould
I refuse to accept I wasted my youth in southern comforts
There’s so many camellias.and lotuses I can add to my branch
So please tell me the face I have to wear, so I can get there
And maybe you’ll obstruct my path again
You possess many forms but I know you’re the same mind
Then you wrap yourself around my roots
And your soul secretes that gorgeous lilac haze
This time I won’t leech your life away, to fuel mine
I’ll let you exert pressure and rip me out of the soil
Cos we’re the polar opposites of our nature
While my body remains, my soul continuously changed
So I hope when you peel back the oak
You can find comfort in whatever you find

Lnc0

You Have To Want To Help, Therein Lies The Problem; You Don’t

I bid them adieu
I say sayonara, au revoir
As everyone who kept close
Starts to board for smoother seas
They’ve grown so tired of my shit
They don’t have to say
Especially in the current climate
Where I take a look away as a stab in the back

It’s always a bad prophecy
Like a siern’s perish song
Any resemblance of affection
Always destined to change
Under the blood moon’s ray
Into venomous slurs and bile

I see your attention fading
A sure-fire sign
I know it’s gonna sting
So why prolong it?
I always bombard you with tragedy
Your loved ones put a price on my head
Objectively I make your life worse
So why not rip the band-aid early?
So you can avoid any guilt
I’ll just get it over with and tell you to fuck off

There’s no prayer that can save me now
I’m too deep into it now
Drop the flash grenade
And head for the hills
Cos once your marked
It’s impossible to wash it away
And it can only end in tears
Unless you really can save me
Keep an ear out for my cries
Douse the fire in my soul
But I know you’re all the same
If it’s not an obligation to domestic misery
It’s the flipside: a full-time infatuation sceptical
A much better use of your time
Then to be used on a lost soul like me
So don’t get my hopes up, stay away from me

Lnc0

Why Me? [Draft]

I just can’t do it
Rimming around the outskirts of my mocha
Trying to grab the clauses from the air
To build us something resembling small talk
Cos that’s what sane people would do right?
Keep it all composed
Shoot eachother satin laced nods and smiles
Where so happy to hear that of each other
Except we couldn’t possibly be in reality could we?
Just tell me why, why didn’t you come?

Where the fuck have you been?
I remember during toaster filtered summer nights
Tearing up in your bedroom, clutching my paws
You were so afraid we’d drift so far apart
You said you didn’t want me to ever leave
That you wanted to do everything to keep me around
I bet you applauded yourself for that one, Oscar worthy even
You can count me among those who fell for it

I know how much more stimuli you get now
From your new life with all the temporary high cads
But when your alone at night….
Who am I kidding? A girl like you is never fucking alone
A slightly fawning cough and they run up in miles
But lets say you could bring yourself to be alone once
Do you never flick thorough the blackbox
And remember the times you said you’d be there
The times you said it killed you to see me hurt
When I’m veiled top to bottom in sulking tears
With my arms covered in blood
Concealing the blade in my jacket pocket
Did you ever think that got any better with time?
Do you just not care anymore?
And if you don’t…. Tell me why?
What made you stop caring?
Weather or not I lived or died?
Why…  What did I do? Why me?
Aren’t you worried about me? …Why?

I know I got more rancid as time went on
I arrived as a beacon of lost hope
And turned into a broken brake light
I got so much worse as time went on
I stopped trying to look any good
My hair got more shit and grim
I got so much more fatter
I stopped being someone you could show off
I kept feeling sick around your friends
Because how embarrassing it must of felt to be around me
I could never be like the ones you fawned over
Never be clean cut, Never be cute and nerdy, Never be a virgin
Was that a mistake when you first met me?
Did you smile start to drop when it dawned on you
The real me
The worse me
The fucking worse and worse and worse me
Wrong in every fucking capacity
Then why? What business did you have with me?
Tell me why? Just… Tell me why?
What’s happening to me?
Why me?

The Post Diagnosis Post-mortem

There’s no point stressing, there’s no point in crying
No need to cause any carnage, stir up any chaos
Because nothing you’ll find inside, will familiarize
Anything people used to recognize, has been recontextualized
No wayline leads you to anywhere you remember
I’ve said it before in a poem, and it bears repeating
While it’s nice to learn ‘how’ your cogs work
But I could’ve done without ‘why’
Like a switch to a tinted lense filter
I question the beauty previously seen
Actions of bravery, once redeemed
When taken upon malicious sirens
The sort cherry picked to do you harm
Well ‘harm’ as maybe once interpreted
Because I don’t feel very heroic anymore
Infact like a pretentious student film
It turns out I’m the one who’s all wrong
Taking a bedding of serenity and security
And throwing it out to the casualty list
The hypocrisy of the hateful approach
Tying myself to the train tracks when I’m the driver
I just wanted you to care, with a care in the world
But care can’t thrive in the danger zone
And shit, am I ever in danger now
It didn’t have a name and a face before
But if only I knew then what I know now
We could’ve both solved the mechanics inside