Failed Integration

Dear diary, it happened again
Society has shown me the back of it’s hand
And all I tried to do was coexist
Dear diary, it happened again
Society has spat on my brand new shoes
And all I tried to do was understand it

I tried to let my guard down again today
Attempting to slowly peel away
The years of perfecting the perfect persona
But like a moth to flame I never learn
I have no idea what it is I did
Now they’ve illuminated me with their bright red glares
It’s time to slink back away to the drawing board
And stitch together a new persona all over again

Do you see the bloody towels?
And the birthday gifts gathering dust?
That’s what’s left of your last attempt
To integrating with the everyfolk
An animal can only learn to mimic human mannerisms
No matter how convincing the mask and the dance
They can see right through you like jelly
The closer you get the harsher the kickback

Dear diary, it happened again
Society has shown me the back of it’s hand
And all I tried to do was not get in the way
Dear diary, it happened again
Society has spat on my brand new shoes
And all I tried to do was ask why it had to be this way

I’m all out of fight, I submit to your will
Just tell me what it is you want me to do
I’ll sit gag, bound and tied up by the hands
And you can pick me up by the strings
And make me act like everyone else
The type of person people are glad to see
A version of me that wasn’t born in this defective way
Maybe it’ll make them happy
Maybe it’ll make me happy…

*Written For National Poetry Month – 22/30*

It’s Hard To Watch People Squirm

Slumped with your pelvis pointing to the heavens
On a forgotten park bench underneath an oaks slouch
Caressed by the fog on a humid spring afternoon
I spot a familiar wince to trigger the mist in your eyes

There isn’t a grimoire in the land that could scratch the surface
Of the inner workings of the roulette wheel in your head
The one that decides how your going to see the world today
The one that despite all the drugs, steals control from your hands

Oh but I know that dice roll all to well
I was born with the same game of chance in my cortex
All I ever wanted was to let you know someone understands
I just wanted you walk the streets with a smile again

It was never an intention to be a pylon in your path
I just hoped maybe It’d steer you away from any more aches
But you just plough through me at top gear, as if I wasn’t there
Just to make your way to the next pothole to fall down

Oh how it ties my gut into a Shroud knot
When I see you shriek in pain from your pedestal
It’s an impulse to feel a twinge of guilt
Maybe I could’ve taken the bullet you aimed at your head?

What do I have to do to get your attention?
What do I have to do to not receive the palm of your hand?
I can’t be your distributor of impulses on the side
Is that all I could be for you to listen to me?

I never ment to make you cry
To make you lose your mind under the street lights
I just wanted to see these things though
I didn’t want leave you alone without knowing I tried

*Written For National Poetry Month – 16/30*

Wings

Oh it’s oh so clear to me now
I may of spent a few hundred million years
Scratching the desk and knocking over my beer cans
To cold call a league of philosophers at my door
Man the tantrums seems so silly now
When I’m arm in arm with comrades of old
Gliding down the streets screeching our anthem to the sky
Oh yeah it’s so clear to me right now

They told me I couldn’t find anything better
And too take the lashing like a good little slave
They swore it never got any better then this
I was lucky to even grab where I was by the fingertips
They promised they were right
Far be it from me to question your motives for telling me that
Is this what you have to do to people to stay confident?
I’m confident that’s the case

You had to make me feel like dirt
In order to make yourself feel alive
All I had to do start living my life
In order to make you feel like dirt

All you ever wanted to do was clip my wings
Use me to shield you from the deathray
You fired straight at the mirror
Hey no biggie I’m just damaged goods right?
Well I didn’t hear the others complain
The only one who’s complaining is you
As you lay yourself in the same mousetrap
Scrape another lover to use from the highway

*Written For National Poetry Month – 14/30*

Our Activity

The clock strikes around 40 minutes past 4
And so comes to end another shift as the canvas
For comrades to project their insecurities onto
Being born with a flawed blueprint, it’s the perfect excuse
Oh lucky me I’m to be greeted with an offering of h2o
Delivered from the heavens above personally

I know it sounds surreal, but their was something sweet
About being greeted with the biggest smile
Clutching your brand new set for handcuffs
It brings me right back from the soaked walk home
Shall we play cops and robbers for tonight?
Get the toppings and play DIY chef in the kitchen?
Put on the body suits and go a round of play fighting?
Or take a trip to the green in just your skirt?

I was never good to expressing myself with words
I can’t think of sentence that begins to describe
How good it feels to have a life in my life
Who can forgo all sense of verbal communication
No misunderstandings, No excess of words
Any reassurance for your daily allowance
You got in excess from our bodyflow
The only time I’m understood

And now I’m stationary in my room
Gathering moss on my flesh
Even if their words were never true
And they were planning a getaway
For the next day
Just a night to partake in our little activity

*Written For National Poetry Month – 7/30*

An Attempt With The Dating Scene In Colchester

I’m really interested in hearing about your favourite TOWIE moment
I’m really interested in hearing about how much you hate your manager
I’m really interested in hearing about your unique reasons
Of why the latest American Hollywood series is ‘tops’

I didn’t think you’ve heard off any activities to get your heart burning
I didn’t think you’ve heard off any song to evoke a feeling inside
I didn’t think you’ve heard off anything to catch your interests
Outside of reality show tidbits to fill the silence at the water cooler

Of course you look lovely tonight
Of course you look pretty tonight
Of course you look gorgeous tonight
Cos’ you all look so similar

What do I think of your personality?
What do I think of your personality?
What do I think of your personality?
I can’t say I spotted one

Sulking all on your own
Leaning by your skull
On the promotional material
For NVQ 1 graduates in Albeton live

Seeing all the chickens in this coop
Clucking the same old meme’s
Bragging about taking the same old drugs
But look at them leaning on each others chests
Yeah, must be nice…

There’s no point in fighting fate
In fighting the inevitable
There’s no migrating with the herd
No integrating with the school

And if you could take back
A pretty young thing back to your pad
Would it be worth the taxi fare
If conversation dies after you offer a cup of tea
The next morning

*For National Poetry Month – 3/30*

Take It In Your Stride

A simple request I’m sure for a pair of young lovers
But I wouldn’t dare articulate the tar that ruins my face
I can sympathize with your perspective darling
It’s a horrible sight to see your lover writhe in the night
But a young loner can’t open the gates to hell
To an audience who are staring at their own reflection

I understand that your first world is ending
The milks gone bad and the dog won’t stop barking
So let me run upstairs and lock the door tight
Grab the utensils and take it all in my stride

Not even a month in and I’m sure you want answers?
Why during the perfect picturesque winter dates
I choose to drop all the smiles and head on home
Oh darling I’d love to drop all my defences and let it go
The way memories slip from my mind like loose change on the floor
The way my emotions ricochet of every word you say
The way I’ve lost the colours from my world, that I may of never had
But I know you’d ignore every word I say, when your phone’s on the fritz

I understand that your first world is ending
Your dad’s making you walk the mutt again
So let me run upstairs and lock the door tight
Grab the utensils and take it all in my stride

Oh it’s a two way street
Knowledge given
Needs a ear to receive
I know where your priorities lie
And they aren’t with me, not yet
I’ve done damn fine keeping things
All to myself
Don’t get upset when
I decide to tighten the lips
You’ve got to earn these truths
If you can’t work for it
I can’t put up with it

I understand that your first world is ending
Jenny called you fat again
So let me run upstairs and lock the door tight
Grab the utensils and take it all in my stride