Tag: aspergers

Pacifier (W.I.P)

Everything fine, but is that the danger?
It’s okay from a progressive standard
But it leaves him feeling a little mismanaged
The employee tag says devoted other
But I don’t think that’s what she sees
She can call him useless to Karen down the pub
But it’s all smiles and well wishes
When she gets home and prepares the roast

Getting onto month 5 on the dole
It’s no one’s fault in theory
When the agency feels like rolling the dice again
It’ll all be back to the normal for the lad
He’s not the kind of boy they keep an eye out for
Only to be given grace, never given a chance

Until then he’s left to monitor the ticks of the clock
For the time the nursing home loosens her cuffs
His heart gives rise at the sight of her
Her heart sinks as the side job merely begins
He can’t seem to get anything right
He can’t enjoy her cooking try as me might
He couldn’t remember the chores in time
He coudln’t remember her favourite colour
He struggles to find the right words to say
Every word he digs from his pockets go down awfully

Why doesn’t his brain work like everyone else?
Why can’t he just do these simple fucking things?
Why is he such a stupid fucking cunt?
The questionnaire that pushes past her fangs
His dream is growing callous working the machine
To keep his life in permanent stasis
Did her patience eroded over time?
Or maybe he just didn’t notice it was always like this
Her eyes uncover, a lover; pacified
The feeling that fastens over time, before his very eyes

Sebastian Noël

It Never Ends

The biggest mistake we make as a species
Is that we think that it could ever end
No path to enlightenment ever concludes
No evil targeting your lively hood ever relents
Is the thought that drives people to the grave
That no Miami tinted destination will greet you
The reward comes with doing the act itself
No drug on the earth with emancipate you
The struggle never ends
The nightmare never ends
Self-betterment never ends
Progress never halts
Growth is never stunted
The light is never in reach
The goal is always out of reach
The reach is inconceivable

Cos where does that leave us?
Sitting with our mouths a gape
Waiting for the drip feed to release us
Never opening our eyes to how it enslaves us
The beginning never ends
The learning never ends
The pain won’t let up
The cure isn’t gonna come
Demands won’t stop coming in
The possibilities won’t expand
Yet the solution never changes
The climax is never unattractive
A finale won’t ever spoil
As your motivation, or as your reason
But the 3rd act doesn’t exist
The 74th act is never the last
The book isn’t gonna close
Cos the end has no end

Sebastian Noël

The Lord Of The Flies And Aspergers

Your jaws stuck a gape, your mango frappe’s on the floor
All cos I took a strangers exchange, like a fly on honey
My way of camouflage, it’s unlike anything you’ve seen
Though undoubtedly in my blood, it’s invisible to the naked eye

You say I’m just like them
As the mirage colours your perception too
You think I’m nothing like you
But remember the illusion is never real

You stalk close, binoculars and notepad in hand
Demanding I whisper, the secrets into your ears
You want to blend, not to contrast so much
Despite the paint on your face, they’ll never mistake you
Because in just a moments time, when glass and floor collide
The facade will fail, and collapse on itself

You say you wanna be like them
As the poison colours your perception too
You think you can be like them too
But remember the illusion can’t ever be real

Blessing or a curse?
To be pushed into the category by society
Only to take to it like oil on water
If I didn’t learn to emulate, I’d be dead you see?
I’m really like them ey? But none of that’s me
It’s not the cure to loneliness, like you believe it to be

Lnc0

Dear Mother

Good mummys are supposed to teach their son’s nice things
How to be kind, How to fight against the bullies
But to think about how you taught me to think
Drags like paralysis of the perception
You taught me bruises where kisses
Taught me slurs are disguised love letters
Like when he strolled in and asked “why are you such a freak?
Why aren’t you outside like the normal boys!?”
I cried into your arms, you said you’d have a word
Bet you never did, did you?

He would stroll in from work the next evening
And your title changed to a punching bag
Though you moaned, you obeyed
Because he’d love you through materials and apologies
Yeah bet you proper loved that
Never mind how the spawn interpret that one ey?

Even when you left us the hypocrisy continues
Not content with just life, you deal a blow beyond the grave
On a 2 for 10 from Paperchase you leave me behind
The condescending memoirs of an ashamed parent
You ask I do what I want? Not what I can?
You tell me to break out and be more independent?
Then in the next breath tell me I’m too spastic to do so?
That I can’t get my degree and make it on my own?
“Your condition” “You did well for having your condition”
What the hell’s that supposed to mean?

And your lessons are the cause of it all
It’s those norms I embody during my weakest times
When I let the narcissist do to me what he did to you
Take me apart wire by wire, node by node
And take away everything that was anything inside of me
Install the notion that I’m no better then scum
And put me back together again like brand new
Why question it hey? It’s the only love I’ve ever known

I think of those lessons when I crave the aggression
A connection’s not real if she’s not at my throat
“Do what you can! Not what you want!”
Makes me recall the background soundtrack
To school nights spent cowering in my room
As unwashed dishes crash against the wall
Cos that’s love right? That’s totally normal right?
Letting someone call you an embarrassment?

I think of those lessons at the end of drunken nights
When I keep my mouth shut and let it go
Even after telling her I want to stop
And her legs tighten around me
With no intention of release
And she says “A real man would keep going”
“Without complaining, without consent”
Cos no matter what they do they still love you right?
No matter how deep the cut, it’s out of love right?

Does this sound a little psychotic to you?
To be beaten, trashed and violated
And take it all with a smile and a step?
Well mummy dearest I learnt it all from you!
It’s all your fucking fault
All of it leads back to you
You killed me inside before I even began
I hate you so much, but I’d never let it on
Cos they’ve all made you untouchable
“Poor little saint, taken from us too early”
Not early enough, I’m glad your finally gone
Cos where you are now, you can’t hurt me anymore

It’s gonna take me an age or two
To unlearn all the things you taught me
But I’ll come out the other side better
And I’ll teach myself, to love thyself, for the first time

Lnc0

The Eyes

My adoring public
I can hear your calls loud and clear
And I promise I got all your nice letters and gifts
But something ain’t sitting quite right with me
I’m standing here in a coat of saliva
Reflecting of the strobe lights, the jazzy sonics
But the brain doesn’t feel any less at ease
The cancer of isolation is slowly taking it away
Cos I’m running on empty this night
And I dunno what it is I really need
Can I find the elation that only company can provide?
Can I find the worth to which only praise can comply?
Maybe the silhouettes shaking in the smog can set me free?
As one snaps back into reality and approaches me

She moves through the night like smoke
Pins me to the wall gagging for life like monoxide
Pythons running through my shirt
While she barks through forked tongues
The haze of your 5th rum intake
Translates the howls and barks more colloquially
“I want every atom and line of code
That created your being, all the time, every time”
But when your soul starts to radiate
As soon as you unleash the locks from your jaws
Will it decay the budding rose
Will your verse turn into pesticide?
Her claws try to relax the buttons of your jeans
But does she really care about what’s inside?

You defragment and collect yourself in another scene
But try as you might you can’t escape it
The eyes undress you, they molest you
They grow in numbers as they surround you
Your so beautiful, the most prettiest thing they’ve seen
But your just beautiful, just the prettiest thing
And the panic starts to set in
The anxiety really starts to rev up
You dunno what it was you ever wanted
But you’ll never find it here
You die inside, you just want to cry
Your soul starts to quiver and freeze
What is that you’ve done?
Do you really even know?

Lnc0

From The ‘4 Nights Of Hell’ Series 

The Real Fucking Me

Fuck effort
That’s my mantra as I landmine onto the dancefloor
I can work hard for life’s little trinkets and party rings
But I never feel like I’ve earned something proper
Till I’ve nary lifted a finger to get it
Gift wrapped with a side of wine like Christmas dinner
The twisted logic on a egomaniac, that sound out of place?
It’ll come as a shock but: That’s the real me

I go for long walks in the streets
Cos I get off on the public looking me up and down
Boys want to emulate, Still boys want to gyrate
Feather clips equiped, black rings achieved, chocker on
Fuck man I look as cute as ever, my new record
And the eyes can do nowt but confirm it
Better yet the eyes coming from after dark agents
I get a real charge when my name keeps resurfacing
No matter who they choose to prey on that night
The tendrils keep coming back to yours truly
Who the fuck did you think taught them to show them fangs?
Always the rook keeping you in check, every fucking night
You better thank god’s grace for my autism
He did it to give the rest you fuckers a fair chance
But you won’t hear me moaning about the perks
As she’s drenching from a spastics level of precision
God I love when they tell me I’m their best
It makes up for never being praised as a kid
And it more then makes up for my slow start
But the greatest underdog always start in last place
I shine so bright it fucks with their eyesight
They have to beat me down to get me on ground level
But now the shackles are off my talons
I’ll sore so high I’m flossing my teeth with the constellations
Supernova their lagging influence from my light-beam
And it won’t be long before I forget their names

I put more stock in my thighs, then my future
And I can hear then already: That’s not befitting to a boy
But words like that make the investment higher
See? The boy in you is emasculated, and the girl’s pinning
I love that you can see them covered on my hands
Just shows I got bigger shit to fight, then you mere mortals
All this sounding out of character for you? Just remember
I didn’t get arrogant, my best friend ego’s always been there
He was just bound by a dragon named Switzer
One bullet in the head later; Sebastian’s out to play

And you can bet that’s all the real fucking me

Lnc0

Is it common for autistic people to be particularly attached to an object (eg a toy or clothing item), especially if it is part of their routine or special interest? I know that some autistic people are generally more attached to objects rather than people, but could this happen for only specific objects?

askanautistic:

Yes. Attachment to objects can be a general (a particular item but all examples of that item) or very specific (one specific item and no others will do, regardless of how similar they are).

Here are a couple of previous asks we’ve had about this topic:

http://askanautistic.co.uk/post/125856202174/is-getting-emotionally-attached-to-objects-and

http://askanautistic.co.uk/post/125161654294/why-are-autistic-persons-so-attracted-to-their

I think their are stereotypical objects autistic people tend to general gravitate too like rubix cubes and such, I personally as an autistic person got attached to the conman house-hold slinky, even to this day as 23-year old I still play with it on a daily basis :L so the object itself will definitely vary but I think every autistic person has the ‘one object’ they’re fond of

I’ll Let You Keep That False Sense Of Superiority

It’s coming up to 5 minutes past 3
And before us all the best holligan repelling bars
Are coming under lock down in front of our very eyes
My platoon has no choice but patrol the slums
The kind of bar filled with seedy salary man
The ones who turn a blind eye to personal boundaries
The kind of gross specimen I find side by side with my rendezvous
With a sigh I walk on over to be introduced

You then turn in my general direction
Tilt your head like you would a toddler
Carrying the burden of a hastily cast, plaster cast
And put on the pout on your lips
At the news of my autistic blood
You tell me how your so sorry
How that’s such a shame for me to be this way
How I’ve roll the dice and got snake eyes

I find that funny you would talk to me that way
Like a old fisherman’s pup, missing a hind leg
Because your not to know this, but me and your ex lady
The one you’ve been awkwardly gyrating on the dancefloor
Receiving the same reactions as an electric bill in the mail
Yeah we’ve been at it for the last month
You make comments about I can’t do things like the normies
Oh she doesn’t seem to think so not at all
Reading back the reviews it’s clear I’ve surpassed you
No I might not be the talkative lad at bars
Sometimes the washing up can be confusing
But is that really a price to pay for what I gain?
You won’t admit it but you’d kill to be me right now

*Written For National Poetry Month – 28/30*

Poor Daisy

I wish I could say it straight to you
Why I feel like I have to get behind the curtains
And then disappear in a splash of doves in front of your eyes
Why I bring attention to the flaws in my psyche
Only to keep the explanations under a timed unlock
Why I ripped out my hair, over the buzzwords in your greetings
Before acting like nothing had happened to following day
And I dismiss all the above with “You haven’t caught me on a good day”

But it matters not how much of a heart a gold Daisy has
A human can only tolerate so many questions thrown their way
Especially if someone’s ripped all the answers out from the back
Daisy stops making the effort to come and see me
Daisy stops telling me that she thinks the world of me
Daisy stops wanting me to hold her hand in the street
Daisy starts to detonate the dynamite whenever she can
Make the very earth around us shatter and sink into the ground
Puts me at the very forefront of domestic carnage itself
Daisy smashed my nose, Daisy smashed my copy Pokemon
Daisy slashed the ropes that kept this bridge hanging, Daisy slashed herself
All in thin hope she could goat me into something resembling a reaction
But as much as I rummaged in my pockets for a spare one, I couldn’t provide
All I could fine was a spare 3.50 in coppers and nuggets
Perfect to walk out the door and leave her self-destructing
In the pursuit for one more gin and tonic and maybe a pint of pale ale
And maybe if I keep pumping it into my body and rummage around my head
I could find something resembling an emotion, But I couldn’t find one

*Written For National Poetry Month – 26/30*