Reintroductions Are In Order

[CW: Gender & Body Dysphoria mentions]

Another product of content indoctrination
A malicious movement disguised as empowerment
But accepting who you are only gets you so far
When it’s a far cry from who you need to be
Oh my man, you didn’t treat me so good
But that’s nothing compared to how you treated yourself

Every time you catch your reflection unawares
In the puddle, shop windows, rear view mirrors
A cold sigh, an empty nod
I don’t even greet my greatest enemies like that
But you swear down there’s nothing behind it
As long as it lets you ignore the savagery of time
As it enunciates your feminine figure as the years march on
Cos content culture doesn’t allow for that kind of discontent

But alas, a lifetime spent with womanhood
And all it’s ever done, was do you dirty
It clipped your wings with a premature time limit
On behalf of maternal obligations and a biological clock
It’s always ticking away in the back of your skull
Putting a damper on your travelling plans
Just leaves you with seething jealousy
For those on the other side of the binary
A father at 55? Not sus in the slightest
A freedom you’ll never know, having lost the biology lottery

But alas, a lifetime spent with womanhood
And all it’s ever done, was do you dirty
Stuck with aesthetics disconnected from your soul
Deafened with compliments, so you never thought to check
If your most lauded traits ever brought you joy
Your curved hips, those slender legs
Them gargantuan eyes and stacked behind
Calls of envy from your peers distracts for a spell
But you notice it starts to make your stomach churn
It never fit, it didn’t work, it doesn’t make sense
You get you energy from Mars, not Venus
The future is dreadful, sends you pining for pre-pubescent times
If only you knew then what you do know
The maybe you could’ve put a stop to this…

But alas, a lifetime spent with womanhood
And all it’s ever done, was do you dirty
In hindsight, it had to be why you reacted with venom
As I was on my way out of the binary
The programming didn’t want to accept it viable
All very well as a hypothetical for someone else
But to see it staring at you from a lover
Just makes you remember how you’re 30 years too late
But it’s never too late, there’s no expiry date
To drop the act and live a life that’s true
50 years of beautiful honesty, vs. all 90 years in bullshit?
Oh it’s never too late to embrace the god of war’s power
In fact I pray the next time we cross paths
In the bowels of Dalston, or prematurely in Victoria
You’ll have started your HRT
And reintroductions are in order

Sebastian Noël

Written at the request of S

No Future For Us

I can tell they’re uncomfortable when I talk about it
I know it goes against every fairy tale they were ever taught
The idea that life’s virtues aren’t a guarantee
Sends a damn chill up their spines
That a house, a family, a spouse or a kid
Ain’t just gonna fall on your lap before you hit 30
That you can expire from this life just fine without them
Or even worse; that maybe forces unseen keep them out of your reach

But sit your typical ass down, you’ll do just fine
But my little autistic self ain’t safe for it at all tho
I’ve seen the future all nice and clear
I adjust my vision every time, but the image is the same
It’s me uttering my last words to an audience of no one
Even the flowers in the vases seem glad to see the back of me
Sadly no one could make it for my death you see
Their schedules are full with work and the kids
They couldn’t find the time to see me snuff it
Typical, we all only die once too….

I can’t imagine my future with the lil’ picket fence thing
Where the money coming from? Who’s renting?
Who’s hiring a spastic like me so I can afford the mortgage?
Who’s sticking around long enough to co-inhabit with me?
When the only successful love I’ve felt is on borrowed time?
Who’s thinking me man of the house, when I reject that masculine bullshit?
And even if I hid it all, brought a beautiful son or daughter into the world
Who’s to say social services ain’t watching my every move?
Terrified of the empathy I could teach a generation
Ready to kick the door down, medical papers in hands
Take my kids away, and breed them compliant in the orphanage
Who’s to say every inch of depravity wasn’t planned from the start?

But I’m getting ahead of myself here
Cos I’m still at the point of disgust at first sight
In a social ecosystem designed to keep us out
You got 3 replies to inspire their attention
When replying at all drains the energy out of you
And god help you if it ain’t about The Walking Game Of Bojack
That’s where we’re at, our down time has been streamlined
Did you spend it doing what you love? Or did you spend it correctly?

From that petty stuff to the real insidious shit
Like your co-workers looking at you like Bigfoot
When you dare walk in 5 years older, still not a wife, not a mother
They talk to you in the same tone as they would refugees
What possible calamity could’ve befallen you to be this way?
Diddums, poor girl, they ask what’s wrong with you?
No quicker way to feel the reaper crawling down your neck
Tapping his fingers on your back in time to the tick of the clock

But what the fuck do these people expect?
When they still can’t cope with us finally being the real us?
“It’s really unattractive when…” “that’s so unmanly if…”
Too queer for the straights, to straight for the queers, you know how it is
No matter how much self love you got on reserve
There’s no way you can’t view yourself defective after all that
But of course “Having no confidence is so gross”
You gotta laugh, they’ve designed our exile from affection perfectly
Designed so my brothers don’t pass enough to have ever had it
Designed so that my sisters are forced into it before they’re ready
And if they’re not ready? They’re happy to let the bio clock time out
Cos they don’t want us to breed if we don’t step in line

“Entitlement” or some shit like that right?
Heaven forbid we crave what the typicals are given in spades
That we crave a little security in our lives
That we crave a little love to come home too
That we crave feeling like our lives are equal to yours
That we crave feeling like we’re not alien
That we crave someone enjoying our company
That we crave someone lusting for our bodies
That we crave the right to feel safe in our homes
That we crave the right to feel safe being off kilter
That we crave having a little hope
That we crave having a way to stop feeling doomed
That we crave some sympathy when the sensory overloads
That we crave some sympathy if it takes us a while to talk back
That we crave thinking we can make something of ourselves
Or even that we crave feeling like people don’t want us dead
That we crave knowing people don’t hate us
That we crave knowing people don’t think us inferior
That we crave a little fucking time to figure it out
That we crave just another year to get a handle on it
Heaven forbid we wanna live like you
Heaven forbid we want love like you
Heaven forbid we get up in the morning
Heaven forbid we co-exist with you
Heaven forbid I inhale oxygen in my lungs
Heaven forbid I exhale that CO2 out of them
Heaven forbid I live at all
Heaven forbid….

Shout out to the side beas

There’s a hole in my soul
There’s a hollow in my passenger seat
My future set in muck
Does that make it all in vain?

You mean the times cruising up the country
With my lady speeding toward the sunset
Cos our knack for being late is impeccable
The way we scour the place top to bottom
The way we share a wine in a hidden slice of heaven
The way she shakes my soul with the hips Eros blessed her with
All in vain was it?
Oh fuck off

This thing we got going here is perfect
And it’s a thing people never think to perfect
They say it’s just the puppy love you feel on the way
To be discarded when the gold hits the finger
God bless Polyamory for providing another way
To keep that energy alive in it’s own right
“But after a while surely you gotta….”
My guy, we ain’t gotta do a damn thing

The nesting thing? Yeah that’s for someone else
But I can hear them chiming in now
“Oh that’s good till you find…”
Find who? I got a future built for two
Any endgame without her is not one worth reaching
Who’s the governing body for relationships anyway?
Do you get yours verified? I never knew you had too
But I got the backing of: Me, Myself and I. So I’ll be fine

Cos it’s nearly been two rotations around the sun
But she dominates my thoughts like a schoolyard crush
Comes into my daydreams like she’s entitled to it
Keeps me paralysed from her perfect ass to perfect mind
But that’s from the Patriarchal point of view
Cos I know how it really is
I’m her summer break, her holiday home in Yarmouth
And I thank god everyday she occupies my time
It’s something they never rate on the silver screen
Domestic bliss isn’t the end of the voyage
People like us want it all; we’re greedy with pride
But I expected a coffee with my Sunday roast
But I got the whole damn parfait, so hold off on the meat
I need a lifetime or two to get to grips with her

So shout outs to my fellow side beas
And the time frames that we make ecstatic
They’re the milestones of my life
It’s so good it’s got the bystanders jealous
They’re trying to throw every Monogamous lore they can at us
But when you’re holding me for ransom on platform 4
While waiting on that midnight train back home
Who can blame ‘em?

Sebastian Noël

-DEADNAME- (Where’s He At?)

Oh -DEADNAME- -DEADNAME-
Oh -DEADNAME- they still ask for you
Did you know that? They still weep for you
They ask “Hey what happened too -DEADNAME-?”
Remember how -DEADNAME- used to be?
-DEADNAME- would be so happy and smiley
I don’t think they remember you at all -DEADNAME-
By any other name, but they still wouldn’t recognize you

When I show my face in your stead
I’m greeted by sighs when they see I’m not you
Damn if that don’t hurt
Cos it doesn’t matter who you are
All they wanna see is what they wanna see

His name still carries infamy
They’re peeking out the car windows for him
But they’ll never find him
No not anymore
I’ll engage them but it’s not good enough
The dissonance with their replies is too great
Are they listening to me? Can they hear me?
They’re replying to -DEADNAME- but he’s not here

They’re waiting on his invitation
To complete the trip down memory lane
But the guest of honour is a no show
Good. I hope he stays that way
I’ve broken if off, I’ve had enough of ‘him’
To be asked to represent ideals
I see no value in, bit unfair init?
I tell you I’m no villain
But it matters not, everything they say is true
People want a villain, one born of hell
But I keep trying to tell you, he don’t live here no more
I’m no villain, no more

When all they see is what they wanna see
Regardless of the reality
Damn if it don’t hurt
Cos it doesn’t matter what you are
It’s not as important as what they wanna see

I’m free from the shackles of he!
Please don’t drag me back
Cos you got a vendetta with a dead man
Something better has taken it’s place
Don’t ask me to regress for the sake of nostalgia
It’s not just taking an identity
It’s also asking to take on all it’s sins
I hear them pop off from the stands
-DEADNAME- -DEADNAME- -DEADNAME-
They wanna see a villain
But that’s him, that’s not me
I’m no villain

Sebastian Noël

Inie/Outie

Fuck the introspection, fuck the self-obsession
Fuck the “Her head behind the sunrise, what a beautiful sight”
Can’t stand to stare at my reflection for so long
Now the written word’s looking a lil’ stale
Seems backwards don’t it? Charging 2 quid at the door
To stare at me, while my back is turned
Then I sit down, Peroni in hand
As 4 classically trained wordshits do the same

The irony being this is my first little introspect ditty
Ever since I wagged on the crush poetry thing
A party trick disguised as an act of devotion
Channelling a Borderline’s obsession into a possession
You can show it to your friends, your neighbours if you must
It’s not healthy, but I must do as a poet must
I talk like I’m above it all
But you can expect anthology nostalgia, volume 6, 2024
What I’m getting at is: Scribes were meant for more than this
I can live through shit so my peers don’t gotta

I’m sharing a coffee as a means to prolong the weekend
With a enlistee of Generation Y.5
She describes a trap; harmless in it’s aesthetics
But malicious in it’s construction
It’s not unlike a blood pact, your DNA’s been swallowed
You’re a part of the family now, you’ve entered a contract
And I got flags honey, I can reach into my bag
Throw you flag after flag after flag
But you can’t put it to a binary, but it’s all familiar
He’s staring you down behind the house red
Split the bill, as long as you pay for the starters
You let a smidgen of trauma slip the tongue
“You’re family’s trash?” He say “Well you’re ours now”
Clear your books, introduce you to his accountants son
You’re the daughter they never had, an asset
Killed you with kindness, decisions now come with considerations
Not just he, but he mam, he dad, he dad’s co-worker
There’s no lock and key, but your fate is sealed

I wanna tell you that, but I’ll tell you in verse
Cos coming out with it does nothing to help
It implies motives that are non-existent
My heart’s taken, my libido’s not a factor
But where would that leave you even after I drop the first flag?
I tell you what I’ll do, I’ll phase it out
Not over hours, but over generations
I’ll write the hypothetical, inspire an idea
I won’t even hand you the saw, you won’t need it
My bars and rhymes will kick your mind
It’ll go feral, you’ll bite the chains of the cuffs
It’ll come to you, snap, like instinct
You’ll go coyote; savage, beaming, powerful
That’s some scribe to enrich the soul
It’s not about me, it’s about how me
How me, can take me, and make the masses see
A tendril up there back, a gag entering their gobs
Take back the timeline they tried to rob
So if I walk into a murder scene come next week
Blood on the wall, claw marks on the door
And a free woman, a free man, centres in the battle field
Then whether I succeed, crash or fail, fuck it, it was worth it

Sebastian Noël

Sex Posexclusitive

From a glitter soap box, proudly proclaimed
“Sensual liberation for everyone,
All peoples deserves to feel desired and loved”
Artemis said to Diana
From the start the rosters looking one note
Goddesses, Champions and Prodigies
One frame, One colour
‘All peoples’ according to their social circles

Community is a currency
Your support is sparse, less it loses value
Each comment particular, purposeful
What do I get back? How do I get in?
Beauty next to beauty gets more beautiful
My crooked nose next to beauty gets the boot
No suit, No 40 quid barber cut
No Garibaldi, No Sale, No value
Like a Reliant Robin turning up to NASCAR
Throw a sun dyed figure from your collection
Keep the gene pool untainted
It’s an illuminati, fortnightly down my local

“Beauty for the beautiful
Sex for the sexy
Our arms are open to everyone
To deliver love for everyone”

Yeah, you’re allright mate
The manifesto comes of as hollow
Like a Robin Hood stealing from the poor
Then pretending to act like the rich
“Ah” you say “That can’t include me,
I take Erythromycin and use a crutch to leave the house”
Look in the mirror and get some perspective
You fucking Hepburn Monroe idget

They say don’t pay attention to the numbers
As they pray you pay attention to the numbers
300 little love notes passed in class
On your routine bath selfie
A lot of literature to get through
Too busy to aid the needy
“Please ma’am can I have some?” she says
Some acknowledgement for the ugly
For the 9 likes break out skin and pug nose
May as well be whistling through your gappy teeth
“Awwwh babe…” Copy and paste
Out of sight, out of mind, job done
Can still put “open and accepting” on the CV
But you can’t deny those numbers
The contrast is like a fissure
But that’s probs why you keep us around

– Sebastian Noël

From the “Ugly” series

WHERE DID THEY GO? HELLO…? [W.I.P]

The setting of a crystallises caper
A backdrop of pure beauty
A little batshit nipper couldn’t ask for better
As the hue’s rise from the soil come nightfall
But the shine depends on it’s light source
And little by little, each beam goes out
The jewels all dim day by day
The memories of colour in these caves gets hazy

Where did everyone decide to go?
Did they find it better then staying here?
Or do they envy me for remaining
I wish I could tell them they’re not missing out
Anywhere’s gotta be better then here
Talking to apparitions echoing against the walls
Based on the recollections of people long gone
Oh where did they go? I hope it’s better then here

I hope there’s some way to communicate
Maybe through the clang of the dim amethyst
The PSA’s have to go through the lying complex
I’ll act like I’m stronger then ever
Like I got it all under control, It’s all going to plan
I didn’t love ‘em, Oh no! I left them
And of course I don’t miss them, not one bit
Of course I don’t need them, I’m just fine me
The pillars of my life aren’t collapsing without them, not true
My reasons to live aren’t dwindling as they leave, nuh-uh

Does it take sulking like a baby to admit it?
I feel like I’ve regressed a year or two by now
As I retreat to a barren alleyway
To make the message echo through out Queen Street
I’m the lost puppy without an owner
Isn’t their anyone with the spare time to pick me out?
I know someone’s gonna fill her shoes soon
But soon isn’t quick enough
Cos without a hopeless romance to dote on
With no fantasy to dream of to pass the time
It drags, everything drags
Without a receiver of my dead sea tales
With no one peeking round my corner to check on me
It drags, this life drags

So where did everyone go?
I hope they’re with people better then I was
Maybe they can tell me how to join them
The secret code that gives the necessities everyone has
The hug on the sofa, the thumbs grabbing the wrist
Just to make it through the day unscathed again

Lnc0

Phsychy Crush

You don’t deny it do you?
You’ve seen the cream cooler constellation come into unison
They correlate into the sun’s 5th unison with Jupiter
Well, that’s the hogwash I’ll use as an excuse to declare
It’s time our orbits collided again

Strawberry fingers, button noses
Outside the local polka performance
Tootsie tickles, Coca bottle catapults
Leaving a culinary trail in our wake
Like the application of a mask
And the equip of a personal
We settle for a motivation
A colouring in outside of the script
The fun, The murk, The gull
I’ll make any excuse to see you again

– Lnc0

Effortless Crush

The chrysanthemum can’t compete with her pallet
A blinding radiate for those who didn’t come prepared
Manipulating the very leafs around her
Commanding the daffodils to bloom as she walks by
Giving the peasants permission to offer their gaze
Giving the insects pardon to dock on her legs
Sinking into the domain like she’s one with the planet
To be in such proximity, what a life!

– Lnc0

Gum (W.I.P)

You anticipate it for ours on end
But before you know, it’s devoid of all flavour
Honey I’m your chewing gum
You report back to the colon
The way you would with a Tesco bacon roll
Honey I’m just your top up lunch

Smashing your feet on the front seat
Wearing down the seat belt
Your just a kid on her way to Space Mountain
But when your toosh is of the seat
The Blitz starts to drain away
Sorry Lil Sal, you’ve booked yourself a Haven Holidays

That’s the same look I think you’d have
As hour 4 passes us by
You’ve got the gates to the appsphere on deadlock
In case a microbe of joy might slip you by
“I’d be easier if” “It’d be more convenient”
The cage that binds us all
Nights of passion, Nights of perspiration
Met with a flat tone

Spent too long on your tongue
Gotta spit it out
Honey I’m your Juiceless Steak
Not a morsel of flavour
Taken for the image
Honey I’m your chewing gum

– Lnc0