And They/Them Undid It All

[ CW: Transphobia, Ableist slurs ]

To think all it took was They/Them
Two single syllables was all it took to dismantle a timeline
They/Them vetoes years of our time
It still leaves me shook how abrupt the effect was
You couldn’t even bring yourself to hold me
As I mourn on the anniversary of my mother’s passing

They/Them undoes holding my hand down Forrest
Comparing our spoils from the capsule machines
People watching from the park benches
They/Them undoes trying to squeeze in time
During a school night hiding in Gratham’s backstreets
With your hands up my shirt, cigarette in mouth
They/Them undoes kissing the back of your neck
All the way down to your backside
While illuminated by the Itallian sun
People tell it’s been far too long to still be mad about it

You’re damn right, it’s been a year and a half and I’m still mad
I tried to sit on these feelings to get this verse just right
But time after time I find, that I just get more mad
When it dawns, all the little ways you’re still hurting me
Cos last night when I walked towards you at Royal Centre
Was the same night I couldn’t reach out to the woman I adore
She was calling out for me under the fluorescent lights
I couldn’t bring myself to lend her an ear

All because of the things you taught me during our time
That you can’t trust when someone says they care for you
That everyone’s love for you is conditional
That people can look you dead in the eye
Spin a lie that you’re the one that makes them high
Only to find out they were seeing through you the whole time

What ever happened to our time huh?
What happened to me being a consideration huh?
What happened to splitting the bill for the wine
On Autumn nights in central London
As you look me in the eye and tell me
How you thought it was so sad I didn’t see a future for myself
That you wanted to give me one yourself
That you wanted to have my kids one day
That you didn’t want to see a future without me
Fuckin’ They/Them undoes all of that huh?

So sorry about upending all our plans
Yeah it matters you won’t respect that I’m trans
Taking out all your bullshit out on me
Just because you never learned any tolerance
We’re not here to take the bullet for you
Just cos you wanna stay in the closet
Just cos you don’t wanna process your dysphoria
Yeah I wash my hands of it, it’s not my problem anymore
Die a miserable cis women for all I care
I could’ve talked you through it
Could’ve talked you through all your feelings
We could’ve started you on your best life
But you wanna destroy that you see in yourself
As you’d rather stop anyone from being themselves
Just cos you don’t wanna admit your own feelings

Well fuck you, I’m not gonna downplay myself
I’m a nonbinary, traumatised, gay as fuck spastic
I’m at full power now, I’m not gonna be quiet
I’ve never been happier in my own skin
I found the family who takes care of me
I found the lover who sees the enby in front of them
To which They/Them makes us stronger
Meanwhile you’re stuck lying about your life
I pray this is the last thing I ever write about you
I just recall you like a cringe schoolyard anecdote
Cos you’re a disgrace to the culture
A disgrace to Polyam folks
A disgrace to Kiwi’s worldwide
A disgrace to Autistics everywhere
I’m embarrassed I ever knew your transphobic ass
Fuck. You.

Sebastian Noël

Lied Too – Part 3 (No Pleasure)

Just passing the 26 mark not even a month ago
And I’m still finding tendrils in my jacket pockets
Once belonging to a plot so devious
Belonging to that despicable demon
Baiting us with nostalgia and elation
To make us return to life we abandoned

Asmodeus truly a world class con man
Got me believing I derive pleasure
From a process that’s got me reeling
Coming home with new scars, asking when’s next time
And these ain’t scars of love, they dictate damage
Not to pigments, but to the soul

Been tricked into thinking I was hungry
Getting fed just brings the bile to the surface
Maybe I don’t admit but I think I time travel
Like to pretend our first time is our hundredth time
Roleplay that I never lost 3 years of loving
In a hurry to speed to that level of trusting
But was it ever about feeling good? Gotta wonder
Does it ever feel good when it’d stir nothing in them
To learn you’ve sped to the grave the next day
Starting to question if it ever felt good
Well I spose once upon a time, back when it was a product
Of surrendering your entire life force in your love
Cos they earned it, with good care of your soul
You could end up in the centre of hell one day
And you know they’d be striking a deal with Beezlebub
To get your ass back in the land of the living
Only then did it feel good, but it don’t feel good no more

Getting sick of exposing my pulse to the kind of villains
Who’d treat me like an afterthought
Desecrate my temple to chase a resource
But I’m no better, I was a loyal servant of Asmodeus
All performative, hoping I could make you see stars
Make your walls pulsate as you elevate
Crossing my fingers for a 5 star review
Getting a leg in the hetronormative game
They about ready to count an autistic youth out
Doomed to fade into the bottom of the social status
Only to be given a lifeline by sexuality
But how long did I think it’d last?
No way you’ll earn respect from anyone
If you don’t respect yourself enough, to stop lying to yourself
You’re no man, or woman and that’s a new meta
Where these talents don’t lead to anything
So you destroy yourself on the frontlines in vain
Just to top up your trauma

Like going cold turkey, I’d go peculiar without it
Paranoid it was a sign love was running out
It’s absence is evidence that your love was getting sour
That she saw you stale, attractiveness going repugnant
But that just proves, like I say, it got performative
A must, no longer a want, desperation over passion
Kicking myself it took too long to recognise devotion
It’s the late nights talking through your suffering
It’s the understanding that they keep you in their thoughts
That stress when your feeling down and out
That little effort to brighten your day
That unannounced expression on your darkest days
You didn’t have to remind them it was an anniversary
Of your momma, god bless her, leaving this world
They just remembered and had the take out ready
Candle lit picnic, over co-op on the PS2

A exact copy of the energy you’ve always been willing to give
Maybe it’s time to start asking for it back?
And after time, when you let them into your life
When they’re a consideration in your future plans
Maybe it’ll start to feel good again
Maybe it’s time to make people earn it again

Sebastian Noël

Lied Too – Part 1 (The Cisgender Days)

[CW: Sexual Assault]

All it took was a two short months
Before Asmodeus starting working his magic
And the cracks in my skin started gasping
Struck by muscle memory of the ‘ol cisgender days
That’s a lot sooner then the guarantee assured me
My rosary beads eroding from keeping the influence back
I guess I’m just recalling when this used to a thriving place
Like a one man travelling botanical gardens 
Inviting, populated and never wanting for company
If I was feeling cheeky I’d even call it coveted

But at what cost? Only the pittance giving him everything
Hard to see it now, but that felt like such a small price to pay
Slip into someone else suit, and sign a 5 year acting contract
And you get to be “One of them” you get to feel loved, finally
A childhood of “He’ll do” and last picked in P.E
The begrudging admittance of companionship on the playground
Snide 4 out of 10 ratings at the house parties
It’s that recollection of obscurity is how he seals the deal
It’s all gonna come to an end before you know it
Just become another of Asmodeus’ number

I still remember the times when those benefits were reaped
Someone not of this world set me in their sights
They offered me a seat on the “Neurologically typical table”
An autistic like me? Really?
A lifetime of self doubt melts away in an elegant fashion
In one beautiful night, under 99p store candle lights
With the kind of woman who’d steal your dreams for decades
Just the notion of someone being glad that I’m accompanying
As the dawn kisses dusk goodbye at the door
She grips me tight as she slides under the sheets
She climbs onto me and lets me know “Baby I can’t wait anymore”
That’s enough to melt this cold, cold soul

Then like a car crash into euphoria she screams
“Call me worthless, call me scum, just like a real man would”
And suddenly I don’t wanna do it, I don’t wanna do this anymore
Then come the breakfast table, discussion sours in the bowl
“Cut the dialogue unless your ploughing me, like a real man would”
And suddenly I don’t wanna see her, I don’t wanna see her anymore

It dawns on me that masculinity has lied to me again
This wasn’t the climax of my adolescence Asmodeus implied
The moment that would grant me my humanity, my place in society
In fact you could argue what little humanity I accumulated over time
Has been stripped from me with cynical accuracy
But it’s far too late, the indoctrination has truly sunk in
I’m starting to believe the fallacy, like when intimacy makes it’s absence
It can only imply malice, spite and boredom, it’s like the canary
Once it’s died in the shaft, there’s nothing bring that love back to life
An absurd theory, but the things we fall for before hindsight…
There’s no excitement, no elation, at your continued insistence to be
Your presence in her bed’s like inviting a stone into a shoe
Why aren’t we doing it? Don’t you like me anymore?
And during the hysterics, you catch yourself in the mirror
And you’ve become the very thing that got you here at all
Now I don’t wanna do it, I never wanna do it anymore

There’s no longer any critique from the water to the wine
Chasing that forever fleeting feeling of being revered by someone
Instead going back to that deafening indifference
Maybe the secret to happiness lies with the next one
Asmodeus assures you it’s gonna be the next one
They’ll let you love yourself again
That feeling that curls your stomach when you look at yourself?
That way you hate yourself? It’ll end he promises
But that’s the kind of logic that finds you stuck in the talons
Of those also bound to Asmodeus contract
Except they got a little ace up their sleeve; They’re soulless
It’s a thirst, and it’s gonna be quenched regardless of your consent

Her eyes light up in the doorway, as the true face comes to light
“Oh take me in your arms and put your hands around my neck
And take it all from me like a real man would”
And now I don’t wanna do it, I don’t wanna do it anymore
Her aggression starts to rise from your reluctance
She starts to pin you down and won’t let go
“You’ll take it from me, weather you like it or not, like a real man would”
But I don’t wanna be one, no I don’t wanna be one anymore

Needless to say that wasn’t what I consented too
Not on the night, or when I first got into a man’s suit
I took a year of celibacy to heal my aching soul
As it turns out, a plot twist to no observer, It was never worth it
A brief sense of acceptance by the masses, that crumbled in sunlight
A feeling that I was loved by everyone, but still hated by the one that mattered
They’re the one I’m stuck from sunrise to night fall
It’s the one that screams at the moonlight, every night
Begging for a body that matches the insides
While Asmodeus pats me on the back
For spreading toxic masculinity among the masses
The real me was starving in solitary confinement

A day doesn’t pass when I’m so glad I broke them out
Neither a woman or a man, still someone I’m getting to understand
Solitary nights in and dialogue with the echoes off my walls
It feels so good to get to know them after all this time
And all it cost was the pittance of everything
All the hype and clout I had built, I let it slip through my fingers
My appearance now lowers the mood in the room by 2 octaves
I don’t think anyone’s been glad to see me in a long while
I think Asmodeus sees it as the ultimate exile
But truth be told, I needed the solitude
Maybe somewhere, out there, the appearance of the real me
Is just the thing someone’s been waiting for

Sebastian Noël

UK Trans Blues

[CW: Transphobia, suicide mention]

Wake up, butter toast, go shower
Check phone, read your notifications
Get reminded of the bounty on your trans ass
Swallow bile, shake off the fear
Knowing the demise of your people’s being planned
By bored white soccer mums after the book club meet
Trying to slide in behind the scenes
Unsheathe concern culture while backs are turned
*Vrrt Vrrt* Check notifications
Looks like they’ve poisoned political parties too

They wanna keep you battered and obedient
To keep you considering going back on commin’ out
Leaves me in front of the mirror shouting “Marco”
To no reply like you’ve been visited by Nosferatu
Gotta drive a steak in my ears and stop listening
Cos living wrong’ll lead to the noose
And they’ll turn a blind eye while you choke
“Oh that’s awful” they say from the VIP seats
Meanwhile they lobby behind the scenes
Praying to god to get the suicide rates higher

Trying to preach to the world about womanhood
They go “Mmmphf Mmmrr Mrrph”
Ah sorry, hard to understand what your saying
With all that Nazi cock in your mouth
Daddy slaps his trunk on your cheeks
Before handing over your pocket money
“Good girl” he sends you on your way
Suddenly propaganda appears in the ladies toilet
Suddenly the Kickstarers get funded
But I’m sure it’s just a coincidence

I’d love to dismiss ya without a seconds notice
The last kicks of life of a hate group on it’s way out
Occupy the same space in the history books
As the British nationalists and psychos
But this shit’s contagious, inspires insipid minds
Like those looking to clean the gene pool
Down at the local swimming pool
Two women blocking a 6 year old from changing rooms
All cos they can’t stop thinking about little kids fucking
But instead of being put on a register
They get put on a slot on daytime TV
Jammie Dodges and a cup of tea in the green room
Schofeild checks in to see if you need a refill
First class treatment for the type that’d put a bullet in a kid’s skull
Bet they’d spread their legs and piss on the corpse while they’re at it

Might I suggest your feminism stinks?
When you fight to keep a patriarchy intact
As you hold the door open for all your friends:
Eugenics Nazis and anti-abortion evangelicals
As they try and keep the men superior
Keep ‘em an Aryan squeaky clean
Trying to keep women inferior
Defined solely by their oppression
What for? Cos you know once the binaries broken
That you’ve dedicated your entire life to a fight
The white woman’s fight, losing the spotlight
That you’ve defined your entire identity
Based solely on the hole you piss out of
What’s a few trans lives to keep the delusion alive?
That’s why you let him slap your jaw with his bellend
Maybe Parker and Davies can join in a double team?
They do the boober and balls, while you take the rimjob
Anything to keep the worst men happy and in charge

Happy #NationalPoetryDay
I’ve snapped

Sebastian Noël

Reintroductions Are In Order

[CW: Gender & Body Dysphoria mentions]

Another product of content indoctrination
A malicious movement disguised as empowerment
But accepting who you are only gets you so far
When it’s a far cry from who you need to be
Oh my man, you didn’t treat me so good
But that’s nothing compared to how you treated yourself

Every time you catch your reflection unawares
In the puddle, shop windows, rear view mirrors
A cold sigh, an empty nod
I don’t even greet my greatest enemies like that
But you swear down there’s nothing behind it
As long as it lets you ignore the savagery of time
As it enunciates your feminine figure as the years march on
Cos content culture doesn’t allow for that kind of discontent

But alas, a lifetime spent with womanhood
And all it’s ever done, was do you dirty
It clipped your wings with a premature time limit
On behalf of maternal obligations and a biological clock
It’s always ticking away in the back of your skull
Putting a damper on your travelling plans
Just leaves you with seething jealousy
For those on the other side of the binary
A father at 55? Not sus in the slightest
A freedom you’ll never know, having lost the biology lottery

But alas, a lifetime spent with womanhood
And all it’s ever done, was do you dirty
Stuck with aesthetics disconnected from your soul
Deafened with compliments, so you never thought to check
If your most lauded traits ever brought you joy
Your curved hips, those slender legs
Them gargantuan eyes and stacked behind
Calls of envy from your peers distracts for a spell
But you notice it starts to make your stomach churn
It never fit, it didn’t work, it doesn’t make sense
You get you energy from Mars, not Venus
The future is dreadful, sends you pining for pre-pubescent times
If only you knew then what you do know
The maybe you could’ve put a stop to this…

But alas, a lifetime spent with womanhood
And all it’s ever done, was do you dirty
In hindsight, it had to be why you reacted with venom
As I was on my way out of the binary
The programming didn’t want to accept it viable
All very well as a hypothetical for someone else
But to see it staring at you from a lover
Just makes you remember how you’re 30 years too late
But it’s never too late, there’s no expiry date
To drop the act and live a life that’s true
50 years of beautiful honesty, vs. all 90 years in bullshit?
Oh it’s never too late to embrace the god of war’s power
In fact I pray the next time we cross paths
In the bowels of Dalston, or prematurely in Victoria
You’ll have started your HRT
And reintroductions are in order

Sebastian Noël

Written at the request of S