And They/Them Undid It All

[ CW: Transphobia, Ableist slurs ]

To think all it took was They/Them
Two single syllables was all it took to dismantle a timeline
They/Them vetoes years of our time
It still leaves me shook how abrupt the effect was
You couldn’t even bring yourself to hold me
As I mourn on the anniversary of my mother’s passing

They/Them undoes holding my hand down Forrest
Comparing our spoils from the capsule machines
People watching from the park benches
They/Them undoes trying to squeeze in time
During a school night hiding in Gratham’s backstreets
With your hands up my shirt, cigarette in mouth
They/Them undoes kissing the back of your neck
All the way down to your backside
While illuminated by the Itallian sun
People tell it’s been far too long to still be mad about it

You’re damn right, it’s been a year and a half and I’m still mad
I tried to sit on these feelings to get this verse just right
But time after time I find, that I just get more mad
When it dawns, all the little ways you’re still hurting me
Cos last night when I walked towards you at Royal Centre
Was the same night I couldn’t reach out to the woman I adore
She was calling out for me under the fluorescent lights
I couldn’t bring myself to lend her an ear

All because of the things you taught me during our time
That you can’t trust when someone says they care for you
That everyone’s love for you is conditional
That people can look you dead in the eye
Spin a lie that you’re the one that makes them high
Only to find out they were seeing through you the whole time

What ever happened to our time huh?
What happened to me being a consideration huh?
What happened to splitting the bill for the wine
On Autumn nights in central London
As you look me in the eye and tell me
How you thought it was so sad I didn’t see a future for myself
That you wanted to give me one yourself
That you wanted to have my kids one day
That you didn’t want to see a future without me
Fuckin’ They/Them undoes all of that huh?

So sorry about upending all our plans
Yeah it matters you won’t respect that I’m trans
Taking out all your bullshit out on me
Just because you never learned any tolerance
We’re not here to take the bullet for you
Just cos you wanna stay in the closet
Just cos you don’t wanna process your dysphoria
Yeah I wash my hands of it, it’s not my problem anymore
Die a miserable cis women for all I care
I could’ve talked you through it
Could’ve talked you through all your feelings
We could’ve started you on your best life
But you wanna destroy that you see in yourself
As you’d rather stop anyone from being themselves
Just cos you don’t wanna admit your own feelings

Well fuck you, I’m not gonna downplay myself
I’m a nonbinary, traumatised, gay as fuck spastic
I’m at full power now, I’m not gonna be quiet
I’ve never been happier in my own skin
I found the family who takes care of me
I found the lover who sees the enby in front of them
To which They/Them makes us stronger
Meanwhile you’re stuck lying about your life
I pray this is the last thing I ever write about you
I just recall you like a cringe schoolyard anecdote
Cos you’re a disgrace to the culture
A disgrace to Polyam folks
A disgrace to Kiwi’s worldwide
A disgrace to Autistics everywhere
I’m embarrassed I ever knew your transphobic ass
Fuck. You.

Sebastian Noël

Featured

Love Song #562

It says a lot about the weight I’ve had to carry
That I’ve only just had the time to idle long enough to remember
It’s been a whole month since we last were a part of each others lives
I’m not surprised to find I’ve been left on read this whole time since then
It’s our insignia to leave something like this so open ended
I guess you saw this like a pit stop less a reunion
Two satellites converging on their trajectory for a weekend
Before going their separate ways until the next time fate gravitates them
I’m not gonna act like I’m shocked by it at all
But I’m not gonna act like it didn’t sting a little bit either

To think of the sincerity of what you told me that night
With the kind of grin that comes from exploring a new life in your palms
But with the familiarity of slipping back onto an old coat
To think your happy to just walk away from all that
Cos for you it was just another night
Thinking about it gets me misty eyed if I’m being honest with you

But I am a satellite first and foremost
And my destiny doesn’t lie with waiting on your trail
Cos when I returned to my soil it was instantaneous
The cries of my brothers, sisters and siblings
The ones who share all the corners of my make-up
Were all I could hear even behind my headphones
I didn’t even get a chance to take off my boots
But already I got an obligation to my people

Cos they’re trying to survive under the crosshairs of society
Each and every star in my city struggling to burn brightly
Anyway I can help guide their way, that’s the reason I’m still on this rock
To share this pain and bring them all with me as I raise higher
Cos if I’m doomed to wait for heaven on earth
Then I reckon this isn’t a bad use of my precious time

Still, I think about how you won’t join me and my breathing gets heavier
The callous ways of the cisgendered will be a mystery to me I suppose
But I’m grateful I got to lie with you for one more night again
It gave me a reminder of what love is supposed to look like:

The ease of it, the flowing dialogue, the little moments of contact
An DIY chicken sandwich lunch, letting the time get away from us
The passionate rants 3 glasses of Preseco in
Pound store Christmas lights illuminating the room
As you enthusiastically get reacquainted with the nuances of my body
Only to get flustered at the puzzle of my belt buckle
No vague mysteries or foggy clues: You just want me.
And that’s the most wanted I’ve ever felt in a decade my friend

So now I’m back in my local with the next romance in the queue
When he tries to sell me a tertiary association
As a romance of the same calibre
I’ll remember our night during January 2019
And I’ll see past the contexts and the politics
And remember love doesn’t have to feel this empty

I Still Got It

I still got it, got it, got it
Half a year on and I still got it
Still got that euphoria
Stemming from a more balanced wardrobe
From when the aesthetics keep people guessing
Even when catching the war gaze
Still got it, got it
Always had it, only now getting it
Finding the real me, only now just grabbing it
That hole in my soul, only now just filling it

But what I had to do to get it
My love, my mind, my status: All gone
Lovers saw the path, didn’t wanna walk
Say they love us, but couldn’t love me as one of us
Staring down the chambers, from every form of print
Reeling to see old friends, hesitate to lend to a hand
What else are they thinking? But never thought to say
Cos it wasn’t relevant, now it’s fucking relevant
Nothing to distract, from daily onslaught
Little fun with some company, notion long lost
All the smiles, turn into wretches of disgust
Liked better when they could squint, act like I was a man
Now they gotta see me, they don’t wanna know
My love, my mind, my status: All. Fucking. Gone

But there’s no way I’m gonna lose it
Not when I worked so hard to get it
It’s just a long process to wait
For everything in your life so far
To shrivel up, mould away and die
So summant better can take it’s place

Sebastian Noël