So’ – Part 0

I’m petrified of losing my senses or losing my mind
To smash the towers looming over my the wooden refuge
A place made on a shoe string budget to keep my thinking in check
To smash the towers by my hand and to explore every possibility
Obsessively nit pick every possibility in every multiverse
Until my backed myself into a corner, cowering at the idea
Of the victories being outnumbered by the failures
To imagine a world where what I have lost could be regained

It’s torture
With my back against the mattress I’m at my own mercy
I’ve never known an opponent so merciless and cruel
It’s agony

Smack bam in the middle of pitch black vision deprived brainstorms
A compilation of features resembling your smile, your hands
And that dumb noise you do when you breathe through your nose
Lays by my side, scraping the underbelly of my limbs
Making sure my mind stays in coherent sand dunes near the city
Rather then writhing with self inflicted mirages away from society
Scrapping just that little bit harder every 6 times to make sure I’m still awake
You’re always here for me, I just don’t think you’ve come to know it yet

Part 1
http://thetartanprelude.tumblr.com/post/80710036191/so-part-1

*Written For National Poetry Month – 29/30*

I’ll Let You Keep That False Sense Of Superiority

It’s coming up to 5 minutes past 3
And before us all the best holligan repelling bars
Are coming under lock down in front of our very eyes
My platoon has no choice but patrol the slums
The kind of bar filled with seedy salary man
The ones who turn a blind eye to personal boundaries
The kind of gross specimen I find side by side with my rendezvous
With a sigh I walk on over to be introduced

You then turn in my general direction
Tilt your head like you would a toddler
Carrying the burden of a hastily cast, plaster cast
And put on the pout on your lips
At the news of my autistic blood
You tell me how your so sorry
How that’s such a shame for me to be this way
How I’ve roll the dice and got snake eyes

I find that funny you would talk to me that way
Like a old fisherman’s pup, missing a hind leg
Because your not to know this, but me and your ex lady
The one you’ve been awkwardly gyrating on the dancefloor
Receiving the same reactions as an electric bill in the mail
Yeah we’ve been at it for the last month
You make comments about I can’t do things like the normies
Oh she doesn’t seem to think so not at all
Reading back the reviews it’s clear I’ve surpassed you
No I might not be the talkative lad at bars
Sometimes the washing up can be confusing
But is that really a price to pay for what I gain?
You won’t admit it but you’d kill to be me right now

*Written For National Poetry Month – 28/30*

Just Four Words

I feel like anything I’ve claimed to have cherished
Is slowly sieving through my fingers like sand
Their’s no place to call my home
Their’s no person to call my own
Laying on a loaned mattress in a loaned domain
I feel like the batteries aren’t included now more then ever
I have no idea what was going through my mind
When I picked up the only thing keeping our door ajar
And against any intelligent thinking
Send you a message of just four words

Just four little words to let you know
You still come into my thoughts every now and then

What a massage to a broken ego our time was
In the company of those who would call me worthless
You let me know my words captivated your heart
In the company of those who would call me incapable
You made me feel like I could be a real man
In the company of those who would call me detestable
You grabbed me from the public eye so I could be all yours
Just four words to tell you how much that meant to me

Just four little words to let you know
How much I could use your company right now

When you get my little fortune in your cookie
What exactly will happen?
Will you drop the ban you’ve placed on yourself
And get the first method of transport to my house
Knock on the door exactly three times
And lay your arms around me in an embrace
Tell me you never meant anything by it
And that you want to make up for lost time

But probably not
And the guarantee we’ll never cross paths ever again
Will only grow stronger like a gaping chasm
Now I’ve sent you those four little words

Just four little words to let you know
I’m still thinking about you
Just four little words
I really miss you

*Written For National Poetry Month – 27/30*

Poor Daisy

I wish I could say it straight to you
Why I feel like I have to get behind the curtains
And then disappear in a splash of doves in front of your eyes
Why I bring attention to the flaws in my psyche
Only to keep the explanations under a timed unlock
Why I ripped out my hair, over the buzzwords in your greetings
Before acting like nothing had happened to following day
And I dismiss all the above with “You haven’t caught me on a good day”

But it matters not how much of a heart a gold Daisy has
A human can only tolerate so many questions thrown their way
Especially if someone’s ripped all the answers out from the back
Daisy stops making the effort to come and see me
Daisy stops telling me that she thinks the world of me
Daisy stops wanting me to hold her hand in the street
Daisy starts to detonate the dynamite whenever she can
Make the very earth around us shatter and sink into the ground
Puts me at the very forefront of domestic carnage itself
Daisy smashed my nose, Daisy smashed my copy Pokemon
Daisy slashed the ropes that kept this bridge hanging, Daisy slashed herself
All in thin hope she could goat me into something resembling a reaction
But as much as I rummaged in my pockets for a spare one, I couldn’t provide
All I could fine was a spare 3.50 in coppers and nuggets
Perfect to walk out the door and leave her self-destructing
In the pursuit for one more gin and tonic and maybe a pint of pale ale
And maybe if I keep pumping it into my body and rummage around my head
I could find something resembling an emotion, But I couldn’t find one

*Written For National Poetry Month – 26/30*

Tsundere

Ecch, Blacch, Accck
Just some of the noises the on lookers make
When they see me follow your lead, mere seconds
After an onslaught of demoralisation
My appearance and my character come under fire
But I don’t expect people
Who just lick the sugar of a doughnut
To understand how good the jam inside is
Cos I know like a kitty batting a new toy
Each and every lash from the tongue
Is the only way you can show your affection
Call me delusional, but I know this for sure
Cos just like a yo-yo the further I move away
More you come back to me in spades

I can’t imagine you’d believe a single word of the accounts
From the pages of my personal histroia
You like to make it out as if I’m a lost traveller in desert
Oh I wouldn’t say that I’m not dying of thirst right now
As we lie in on a weeknight, knowing an oasis on sensual liberation
Is just a fingertip away, oh god I’m such a whore right?

And yet your face seems to crash down a few floors
When you spot the tales of the ones preceded you
Hey it’s that girl you always spot around the club
The one you always used to visualize next to the mirror
Yeah, you better believe we did
Then suddenly your grip on my arm gets tighter
And you now you say I’m just a doofus instead a prick
As shallow as it gets, but I guess girls will be girls

Oh but darling all this it could be yours
All you have to do is leave the armour at the barracks
And hand me a joystick, and un-pause the adventure
If just for a night

*Written For National Poetry Month – 25/30*

We Met At The D&D Due

I only popped round from the corner on a whim
What other treats could a Sunday afternoon provide?
The toenail clippings of a week schedule on the T.V
The breadcrumbs stocked in all the super markets
The lost puppies parading around the streets
The doctors have only given me 2 hours left
Before my brain cells shut down and my blood runs thin
For boredom itself has taken me to the other side

But If I must drop all traces of a indifferent facade
I couldn’t help but feel I’d of paid 10x my bus fair
Just to see you give me that look from behind your specifically
From behind the room, then for you to stroll on my way
Just to say hi, and to wean me into the rituals
I couldn’t say I’m green on the subject of table top
But I’ll keep those titbits to myself if you don’t mind
Just to make the joke I’ve only heard of Monopoly before

The moon bursts on the scene and foils my fun yet again
But the next week seems like an entire era’s away
So to tide me till then I offer you a brew in town
You say you have to run back for your nanna’s birthday due
But I’ll get you in front of my gaze yet my dear
Separated only by the coffee shop oak, I make a vow now

And when they ask how we first meet
I’ll tell them we met at the D&D due

*Written For National Poetry Month – 24/30*

A Sample Of Gritt

Oh mercy me what have I done?
I didn’t mean to turn this resort into a smouldering carter
I just wanted to have a little bit of fun
With another ‘God-Knows-Who’

Good little boys raised to be Angelic young men
Are always on the look out for taint among the diamonds
Your breath stinks of fags
And your parka reeks of weed
Take them blood stained hands
And cover these white skinnies with your pawprints
I need proof that for a night I had your validation
And I’ll carve my signature into your insides

The second lap of the Rollercoster comes to a close
And they shove me out into the following week
With lipstick still on collar
And a mark on my collarbone
It’s been 3 hours since then
And I still smell your perspiration on my top lip
I lay slumped in the back of my desk chair
You’ve saved me from all thought and emotion
I can’t think like this, and I can’t write like this
This must be how the addicts feel

It doesn’t matter how bad this way of living is for me
The scars and deformities it must leave on my mind
Just for a moment, just for an hour everything in the world
Just feels nice, if just for that moment

*Written For National Poetry Month – 23/30*

Failed Integration

Dear diary, it happened again
Society has shown me the back of it’s hand
And all I tried to do was coexist
Dear diary, it happened again
Society has spat on my brand new shoes
And all I tried to do was understand it

I tried to let my guard down again today
Attempting to slowly peel away
The years of perfecting the perfect persona
But like a moth to flame I never learn
I have no idea what it is I did
Now they’ve illuminated me with their bright red glares
It’s time to slink back away to the drawing board
And stitch together a new persona all over again

Do you see the bloody towels?
And the birthday gifts gathering dust?
That’s what’s left of your last attempt
To integrating with the everyfolk
An animal can only learn to mimic human mannerisms
No matter how convincing the mask and the dance
They can see right through you like jelly
The closer you get the harsher the kickback

Dear diary, it happened again
Society has shown me the back of it’s hand
And all I tried to do was not get in the way
Dear diary, it happened again
Society has spat on my brand new shoes
And all I tried to do was ask why it had to be this way

I’m all out of fight, I submit to your will
Just tell me what it is you want me to do
I’ll sit gag, bound and tied up by the hands
And you can pick me up by the strings
And make me act like everyone else
The type of person people are glad to see
A version of me that wasn’t born in this defective way
Maybe it’ll make them happy
Maybe it’ll make me happy…

*Written For National Poetry Month – 22/30*

A Matter Of Time Pt. 2

Now be reasonable what was a young man ment to do?
Everyone’s femurs where getting cracked in the crossfire
It’s better one man gets broken completely then that
So I treat you like an ulcer before band practice
I took every single bullet with pride
Until I’m a corpse floating in the river to you
Did you fall for it hook, line and sinker?
Or did you see through it like a silk?

I send this reasoning in little scrolls
Drop them in the handbags of your social circle
And maybe one day it’ll come around your way
Like the back page of a crossword book
I hope it gives you all the answers your looking for
Now here’s the question that keeps up all night
Will you react with a sense of relief, the lights have gone green
Will you spit on the paper, the lights have been smashed

I know there’s probably nothing I can do
To stop the filthy glares at the bus stop
And the way you cast your rod in everyone’s pond
Just to get the hint of a nibble on the hook
I imagine your eyes light up at the thought
Of being able to bring me up in conversation again
Are you trying to drop the same scrolls to get my attention?
Or are trying to burn the soil so nothing can grow again?

You like to deny but either way, you really are like me dear

*Written For National Poetry Month – 21/30*

This poem is a sequel too this one:
http://thetartanprelude.tumblr.com/post/82818526063/a-matter-of-time

It Ain’t Easy Being Sleezey

Oh now don’t be like that my love
You don’t have to let me down with a face like that
I know that you’ve heard my echoes
Bounce off the walls of your social circle
And like a Kitten curious about it’s new home
You wandered what could’ve made your friends
Make such haunting noises into the night
You just wanted to get your hands dirty
You just wanted to feel the same things pass through your body
In the middle of a blank diary limbo
I think anyone would’ve done the same

Come now don’t be like that my dear
You don’t have to leave with your stomach lurched like that
It’s a challenge to get any rush out of life these days
Faced with a plethora of roads
And no single idea what direction to take
Just a couple of nights to feel like a god
Like you have complete control of your life for once
Trust me I understand the appeal
And while I might be on a hunt for a queen
Who’s to say I couldn’t caress an ego or to on the way?

*Written For National Poetry Month – 20/30*