I Wish Someone Told Me

I don’t know you, know if I’ll ever know you
Know if you’d ever wanna now me too, but dear you regardless
Cos I see you, my brothers and sister of the same mind
With your head 40 degrees up and your eyes another 40 down

I know the world feels alien, more and more each day
No matter the time you clock in, it never gets less cryptic
You always feel like your just a few steps out of time
And your peers look more like aspirations then reflections

But it doesn’t mean as much then you think it does
Ya’ll probably sick of being told that, but damn it’s true
That’s coming from a fellow spastic, no condescending here
That stepping in line doesn’t afford you the magic key
The key to make normal conversation: Nah
The key to feel belonging in a room: Nope
The key to streamline the life stream: Hell no
There’s no shortcut, but you weren’t heading that way anyways

I wish when I were young; another aspie was around
To give me permission to feel, like I was okay
Okay to like the things you like, talk about what you like
And if anyone goes for the gag then they’re the cunt
If anyone’s got an issue with your excitement: Drop ‘em
Wish they told me that it’s not normal when people hone in on differences
The clothes you wear, the food you eat
The words you use, the things you like
To be so obsessed with your taste buds, your nerves, your time
That’s weird man, it’s on them not you

I wish someone was there to tell me sexuality isn’t a race
That virginity isn’t a stigma, not to hand it over to any two-bit
And that when you cross the finish line to keep an eye open
That people will exploit your naivety for their own gains
That they’ll tell you how you’re a pussy if you don’t let them in
Get you too drunk to consent, as there eyes light up
What dabbling in a little assault to make your ex jealous?
Wish I was taught to cover my ears
To those who say violence, sex and destruction is masculinity
To not surrender your body, your health to the malicious

Wish I was told to not keep a lid on my troubles
To not take “Oh you could never tell” as a compliment
You should be able to tell, that’s an embarrassment otherwise
We’re everywhere, some basic adjustment isn’t a luxury
Wish I was taught never to pass, was told my behaviour is uncomfortable
Fuck it, I’ll click my Rubix Cube, stick my tongue out when thinking
Info dump all the bullshit facts I can remember, pick my nose in public
If your irritated: Fuck you, you don’t get the grace of our company

Yeah, of course I know it now, I never let anyone trample on my toes
But like you it was terrifying getting there
So bothers and sister heed my words
Whether your killing time institutionalised, wasting on the dole
It’s a fucking brutal life for people like us
But the world is ours too, to live in not just survive till the grave
If people try and curb anything your proud off: Fuck ’em
If people wanna use your fears to recruit you: Fuck ’em
It’s you or fuck you, your time and life have value
No one gonna tell you that, so let me repeat myself:
Your life and time are the most valuable thing you have
And a million people are gonna tell you different
You’ll be the punchline, the meme, the anti
Well you drink their milkshake, encroach on their space
You tell them “You’re threatened by by me?”
And you walk knowing your stride’s worth 24k
No one will tell you, I know cos they never told me:
But you got the makings to be above human

– Sebastian Noël

Sex Posexclusitive

From a glitter soap box, proudly proclaimed
“Sensual liberation for everyone,
All peoples deserves to feel desired and loved”
Artemis said to Diana
From the start the rosters looking one note
Goddesses, Champions and Prodigies
One frame, One colour
‘All peoples’ according to their social circles

Community is a currency
Your support is sparse, less it loses value
Each comment particular, purposeful
What do I get back? How do I get in?
Beauty next to beauty gets more beautiful
My crooked nose next to beauty gets the boot
No suit, No 40 quid barber cut
No Garibaldi, No Sale, No value
Like a Reliant Robin turning up to NASCAR
Throw a sun dyed figure from your collection
Keep the gene pool untainted
It’s an illuminati, fortnightly down my local

“Beauty for the beautiful
Sex for the sexy
Our arms are open to everyone
To deliver love for everyone”

Yeah, you’re allright mate
The manifesto comes of as hollow
Like a Robin Hood stealing from the poor
Then pretending to act like the rich
“Ah” you say “That can’t include me,
I take Erythromycin and use a crutch to leave the house”
Look in the mirror and get some perspective
You fucking Hepburn Monroe idget

They say don’t pay attention to the numbers
As they pray you pay attention to the numbers
300 little love notes passed in class
On your routine bath selfie
A lot of literature to get through
Too busy to aid the needy
“Please ma’am can I have some?” she says
Some acknowledgement for the ugly
For the 9 likes break out skin and pug nose
May as well be whistling through your gappy teeth
“Awwwh babe…” Copy and paste
Out of sight, out of mind, job done
Can still put “open and accepting” on the CV
But you can’t deny those numbers
The contrast is like a fissure
But that’s probs why you keep us around

– Sebastian Noël

From the “Ugly” series

Empathetic Generation

Another landlord slam’s the door on my face
Kindly introduces my arse to the public domain dirt
Only after digging around my files
Following an uncomfortable interrogation?
“I hear Borderline’s are mental, are you mental?
Will you go ape and wreck the whole house?
I worked with people who had it you know”
“Hang on, my question first: Who told you?”
Nothing to report there, keeping the mole anonymous
Just gotta take it on the chin I spose

But I know we’ve hit the empathic generation
When I regurgitate that tale in passing
And it’s left to weigh down the room
Back with a look of disgust

No contesting:
“Oh yeah? That didn’t actually happen”
No gaslighting:
“You sure you got that right mate?”
Just a “That sucks man.” With a swig of the brew
That’s enough empathy to make a grown man cry

– Sebastian Noël

Honest Lovesong

You’re an apex of affection in someone’s life
Don’t that mess you up?
Someone mirrors your gaze of an unrelenting infatuation
Doesn’t that proper fuck you up?

I know over time it’s gotta grate
How I take an off cuff I love you
Not a face value, but begrudgingly
Like a Evangelist at a Prehistoric museum
But I wish I could convey it correctly to you
How absurd it is your here with me tonight

I know you mean well, I know your heart swells
But when you put my name at the end of your love
It feels like I’ve jumped in from another timeline
A history free from my glowing failures
You say my name but you gotta mean someone else
It only makes sense if your seeing anyone else

It should go without uttering a single syllable
That I adore you even on a molecular level
Like ivy climbing up a historical abode
I’m a intrusive element feeding on another beauty
So when you tell me the ways I bring a smile
It feels like hieroglyphics on a birthday card
It feels like mercury spreading on my skin
It doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t feel right
I fucking hate how this feels
Please I just need to be left alone tonight

Oh of course I love you too
But you’re treating poison like porcelain

Sebastian Noël

Logical

The sins of my ancestors become the sins of the now,
When my tongues honed where it could clash with a katana.
But my targets are the ones who pat me on the back,
Naturally the usual response to that is a stab in the back.

He opens up his chest and I’m straight on the defence,
What the fuck does he mean when he says that?
Is he trying to brush my pain aside to make a point?
He says “I mean it’s not like how you go through it.”
The fact he didn’t take a decade to proof read every sentence,
That can only be a slight against me, perfect and precise.
So how about I take my drink and show him 2 fingers,
The most logical course of action to that.

He scratches the record to a screeching halt,
“What the fuck’s the matter?” He intervenes.
I wanna tell him how’s he’s not seeing me,
But who on the earth is seeing me,
If me hasn’t been me for this long,
Are they even me, is me even me anymore?
“I dunno.” As I stall for for some amount of time.
He came to this war with a bouquet and I still grazed him.

That’s the catch 22; I’m not seeing him,
A few Thyroids short and I’m not seeing anyone.
I’m seeing words and phrases that I’m trying to recognise,
Clutching my bug-net looking for the bogeyman.
THERE! I know someone who talked to me like that,
A past abuser from a eon gone by.
You thought that’d one would slip by me?
“What have I done to be suspicious?” He asks.
What you’ve done? Well you’ve done nothing,
But everyone at one point done nothing,
Until they start to do something,
And out of nowhere they’ve done everything.

Burn a bridge on a hunch,
Carjack your heart out on a probably,
I’m so dependant on the kindness of others,
While still backed up against the wall.
When a scratch goes down like decapitation,
You can’t take any chances on that.
Treat my company like a rental,
One wrong move it’s revoked from you.
“How can I be expected to love someone
Whose hand is always circling the eject button?”

Like I dunno man, but what’s the alternative?
Cos I’m getting too old to nurse another wound,
When it’s week 2 chained to my bedroom,
Keeping my psyche together with PV glue,
As yet another chance to succeed is doomed.
Another degree flies on by, another career down the drain,
The hand outs will stop, and I’ll be marking my grave.

– Sebastian Noël (For Mental Health Awareness Week)

Adventures Of The Friendzone

You may adore me, but I feel like going psycho
So do you mind if I just put you in the friendzone?
The comfort of romance and the thrill of affection has it perks
But sometimes a guy just wants to show someone the cheat sheet
Friends don’t care how I’m doing, Family doesn’t care how I’m doing
You probably don’t care how I’m doing, but I wanna play pretend
So in the friendzone you go, cos I want go psycho
I’m Sally, you’re the brick wall, just want tell you it all
You want get intimate, I want tell you that’s it all gone to shit
Into my DM’s you wanna sliiiide, I wanna joke about suicide
I’d love to love you, but I don’t get to choose when I go pyscho
So soz to say, but until your grave, you’re in the friendzone

Sebastian Noël

Good Attention

You taught me the value of good attention

It wasn’t long into a muggy Friday morning
That I could feel each individual cell of my makeup
Being analysed to their very atoms
With the same curiosity a infant gives it’s surroundings
Diagrams and graphs in your mind
As you burn holes into my sides
Like a figure in a collectors shelf
I surrender my life as a mere visual for a moment

It’s something I’ve needed for months now
Kisses and caresses with just a look
It engulfs the creases of my stomach
The stretches on my sides, the hairs on my back
You just say; “keep doing what your doing”
All you wanna do is give good attention
It pushes the blood in my veins
It places a good personality in the cockpit
It contradicts the paranoia
That gaze refutes a million doubts in one swoop

Declarations can be overwritten, promises can be broken
But there’s no refuting the value of good attention
And when the weight of observation becomes too heavy
You cradle your head upon my lap

Sebastian Noël

Paranoid Patty: So’ (Demo)

You represent an impossible world
You represent queerness unchallenged
You represent benefit from fulfilment
You represent a vacuum on my bedside

A smile and a stroke on the back
That’ll never come to fruition
But in the domain of the cognitive
Is that such a tragedy?
Cos in this universe for my eyes only
You never left my side
Cos in this universe confined to my room
You never left my side

One day
Sophie
You’ll be real
Yeah, one day soon…

I’ve not left the bed in 4 days
But I’m not alone
I’m talking to no reply
But I’m not paranoid
You wake me up at dawn
But you’re not trouble
They’re adamant you don’t exist
But I see more of you than I do of them

While my friends betray their attendance
With deafening silence
You suggest we get the Domino’s in
To salvage a miserable Monday
While my lovers back up their well-wishes
With complete absence
You were waking up next to me
Watching Saturday morning cartoons in bed

It breaks me when I act out of script
And my hand passes through your breast
The illusion comes crashing down
From where ever your projection originates
I’d surrender all my blood and flesh
To give you form in this world

If the Blue Fairy decides to empathize
Then the dimensional barriers could evaporate
Your arms would fill up my palms
As you fell from fiction
You’d speak to me on the fly
No preemptive, no choreography
What could I even say back to you?
The language hasn’t been established
To do the wash of emotions justice
But quote me on this: it’s only a matter of time

Yeah, one day
Sophie
You’re gonna be real
It’s just a matter of time…

–A ‘demo’ of the Paranoid Patty poetry set/book–

Sebastian Noël

Paranoid Patty: Jig Is Up (Draft)

The jig is up, the jacket’s off,
The sigh, cause and effect.
Ask me all you want, you know I’d never answer honestly.
Cos yes, maybe it was what you said that made me do it.
And if you see them, maybe it’s the only way to talk,
The only way you’ll listen without interrupting,
When I try improvising a verse together.
Cos I’ve never tried to speak about this before.

Something’s happening molecularly;
An absolute dissolution of my entire being.
People are closer then ever before,
But when they are, they don’t smile like before.
It used to give me a sense of purpose,
To give people the means to smile.
But people started to ask what I wanted too,
Now I’m at a loss for words.

Maybe what I want; you can’t give.
The fulfilment, the direction,
Something to put on my tombstone.
The support, the first response,
When the mind turns on itself.
The control, the peace,
As I learn to maintain myself.
It’s not fair to expect that from you.

He asked “then what can I give you?”
And it felt like a few seconds extended to hours.
I just nestled into his arm, as we lay on the settee,
Put my feet back in the blankets, as his cat lays on my lap.
Then it dawns on me the answer is: “Nothing.”
You’re just a spectator in the event called: Me.
You can’t be my hero, my mediator, you’re sort off; nothing.
Of course it doesn’t feel good to say that,
Plus I couldn’t even say no one else could be those things for me.
It really just… Depends

But for now, if you’ve a roof to cover me,
And there’s still a heart to occupy,
With a shit take away to fill our bellies
Maybe for now, that’s enough.

Sebastian Noël

Paranoid Patty: Decent

That’ll be £5.50 for the underground,
Just to come face to face with another educator,
As they deconstruct the many ways you fucked it this time.
Face sunk into your own scarf, revelling in your stench,
Clutching your Yabba-Fro-Chino, passing Euston.
Tastes like shit, makes your plasma pass at a snail’s rate,
Eons better than pushing trash down to avoid hunger.
Already feels like your insides are gonna give out.
Heart attack on the Hammersmith line, no hope there,
They’d sooner kick your corpse on the tracks to make it home.

The world around you is coming apart,
And that’s to say nothing of the world inside.
Millions of miles before anyone knows your name,
Even then it’s usually in infamy.
Ping! From your Facebook;
“Why can’t you come to this party you can’t afford?”
Ping! From your inbox;
“Why can’t you come home for xmas?
Fake a smile and share some crap food
With the very people who left the scars on your mind?”
She looks down, traces the cuts on her hands,
She wasn’t even sad when she made them last night.
She just wanted to get the same reaction from the outside,
As they’d give if they could see her insides.
The sigh from the bus driver, the looks from her classmates,
From being scared, broken and ruined.

She covers her mock exam results when she gets them.
She doesn’t wanna know if she’s fucked it all again.
She doesn’t wanna know if her momma were right.
She doesn’t wanna know if the voice in her head called it.
Little trip past the corner shop on her way home,
Maybe a little wine to shred time off this episode.
Gets to her room, collapsed in front of the screen.
She’s crying for help but she doesn’t know what she wants,
Cos she doesn’t believe when her friends say they miss her,
Cos she doesn’t believe it when her boy says he loves her.
What Sasquatch or deity is she looking for?
What they gotta say to make it all go away?
Her skin sags like it’s not connected to her body anymore,
Her psyche feels like 5 years out of sync.
Just reminds her she’s got no control of her body.
Anything she could be proud of is pouring from her fingers;
She can’t write any lines no more,
She can’t fuck to save her life no more,
And everytime she vocalises that, she makes someone cry.
So sit tight, mouth shut, as it all melts away.
Scratch your scalp as your hair’s coming out,
Readjust your eye as it’s falling from your sockets.
Your hearts beating extra drums out of sync,
Bed sheets ruined, as your life seeps out of your pores.
Finish the wine, try and lose consciousness for tonight,
Maybe it’ll be better tomorrow.

That’s what you said last night.

Sebastian Noël