Paranoid Patty: Jig Is Up (Draft)

The jig is up, the jacket’s off,
The sigh, cause and effect.
Ask me all you want, you know I’d never answer honestly.
Cos yes, maybe it was what you said that made me do it.
And if you see them, maybe it’s the only way to talk,
The only way you’ll listen without interrupting,
When I try improvising a verse together.
Cos I’ve never tried to speak about this before.

Something’s happening molecularly;
An absolute dissolution of my entire being.
People are closer then ever before,
But when they are, they don’t smile like before.
It used to give me a sense of purpose,
To give people the means to smile.
But people started to ask what I wanted too,
Now I’m at a loss for words.

Maybe what I want; you can’t give.
The fulfilment, the direction,
Something to put on my tombstone.
The support, the first response,
When the mind turns on itself.
The control, the peace,
As I learn to maintain myself.
It’s not fair to expect that from you.

He asked “then what can I give you?”
And it felt like a few seconds extended to hours.
I just nestled into his arm, as we lay on the settee,
Put my feet back in the blankets, as his cat lays on my lap.
Then it dawns on me the answer is: “Nothing.”
You’re just a spectator in the event called: Me.
You can’t be my hero, my mediator, you’re sort off; nothing.
Of course it doesn’t feel good to say that,
Plus I couldn’t even say no one else could be those things for me.
It really just… Depends

But for now, if you’ve a roof to cover me,
And there’s still a heart to occupy,
With a shit take away to fill our bellies
Maybe for now, that’s enough.

Sebastian Noël

Paranoid Patty: Decent

That’ll be £5.50 for the underground,
Just to come face to face with another educator,
As they deconstruct the many ways you fucked it this time.
Face sunk into your own scarf, revelling in your stench,
Clutching your Yabba-Fro-Chino, passing Euston.
Tastes like shit, makes your plasma pass at a snail’s rate,
Eons better than pushing trash down to avoid hunger.
Already feels like your insides are gonna give out.
Heart attack on the Hammersmith line, no hope there,
They’d sooner kick your corpse on the tracks to make it home.

The world around you is coming apart,
And that’s to say nothing of the world inside.
Millions of miles before anyone knows your name,
Even then it’s usually in infamy.
Ping! From your Facebook;
“Why can’t you come to this party you can’t afford?”
Ping! From your inbox;
“Why can’t you come home for xmas?
Fake a smile and share some crap food
With the very people who left the scars on your mind?”
She looks down, traces the cuts on her hands,
She wasn’t even sad when she made them last night.
She just wanted to get the same reaction from the outside,
As they’d give if they could see her insides.
The sigh from the bus driver, the looks from her classmates,
From being scared, broken and ruined.

She covers her mock exam results when she gets them.
She doesn’t wanna know if she’s fucked it all again.
She doesn’t wanna know if her momma were right.
She doesn’t wanna know if the voice in her head called it.
Little trip past the corner shop on her way home,
Maybe a little wine to shred time off this episode.
Gets to her room, collapsed in front of the screen.
She’s crying for help but she doesn’t know what she wants,
Cos she doesn’t believe when her friends say they miss her,
Cos she doesn’t believe it when her boy says he loves her.
What Sasquatch or deity is she looking for?
What they gotta say to make it all go away?
Her skin sags like it’s not connected to her body anymore,
Her psyche feels like 5 years out of sync.
Just reminds her she’s got no control of her body.
Anything she could be proud of is pouring from her fingers;
She can’t write any lines no more,
She can’t fuck to save her life no more,
And everytime she vocalises that, she makes someone cry.
So sit tight, mouth shut, as it all melts away.
Scratch your scalp as your hair’s coming out,
Readjust your eye as it’s falling from your sockets.
Your hearts beating extra drums out of sync,
Bed sheets ruined, as your life seeps out of your pores.
Finish the wine, try and lose consciousness for tonight,
Maybe it’ll be better tomorrow.

That’s what you said last night.

Sebastian Noël

Your Armageddon, My Distraction

The simple stroll has gained significant difficulty
No matter the surface I traverse I track dirt
5cm thick of mud and grass
As I pass hour 2 walking on concrete
6cm … 7cm … 8cm
I’m shocked they let me into the cafe

I can’t make it out with my eyes
But I feel the eyeball coming out of my palm
And the tentacles coming out of my pours
What to believe in the end?
The sight or the follicles
Each one making an argument for being ground in reality

Maybe there’s only one way to find out
Give into the quirks my twitches alluded too
And act on that split second desire
To tear myself apart just to see how that goes
Grab the Gillette and disconnect the webs of my fingers
Pull the eyelids from my brow
Peel back the banana skin like Krokodil
And see if any of it is really there

Feels so real to the touch
Even that which can’t be seen
But again who am I to believe?
I’ve not had a witness corroborate it in days
Even so they might feel it too
To terrified to admit it to the world
Are we all deluded by the creature underneath?
Like Lovecraft, would it drive us mad to really know?

This coffin is suffocating, I’d love to rip it all off
But the outsiders concern confirms what’s reality
Least in the ballot of the consensus
Even then is that to be trusted?
Cos the soil is still sticking to my feet
Yet the floor remains spotless

Lnc0

Why Me? [Draft]

I just can’t do it
Rimming around the outskirts of my mocha
Trying to grab the clauses from the air
To build us something resembling small talk
Cos that’s what sane people would do right?
Keep it all composed
Shoot eachother satin laced nods and smiles
Where so happy to hear that of each other
Except we couldn’t possibly be in reality could we?
Just tell me why, why didn’t you come?

Where the fuck have you been?
I remember during toaster filtered summer nights
Tearing up in your bedroom, clutching my paws
You were so afraid we’d drift so far apart
You said you didn’t want me to ever leave
That you wanted to do everything to keep me around
I bet you applauded yourself for that one, Oscar worthy even
You can count me among those who fell for it

I know how much more stimuli you get now
From your new life with all the temporary high cads
But when your alone at night….
Who am I kidding? A girl like you is never fucking alone
A slightly fawning cough and they run up in miles
But lets say you could bring yourself to be alone once
Do you never flick thorough the blackbox
And remember the times you said you’d be there
The times you said it killed you to see me hurt
When I’m veiled top to bottom in sulking tears
With my arms covered in blood
Concealing the blade in my jacket pocket
Did you ever think that got any better with time?
Do you just not care anymore?
And if you don’t…. Tell me why?
What made you stop caring?
Weather or not I lived or died?
Why… What did I do? Why me?
Aren’t you worried about me? …Why?

I know I got more rancid as time went on
I arrived as a beacon of lost hope
And turned into a broken brake light
I got so much worse as time went on
I stopped trying to look any good
My hair got more shit and grim
I got so much more fatter
I stopped being someone you could show off
I kept feeling sick around your friends
Because how embarrassing it must of felt to be around me
I could never be like the ones you fawned over
Never be clean cut, Never be cute and nerdy, Never be a virgin
Was that a mistake when you first met me?
Did you smile start to drop when it dawned on you
The real me
The worse me
The fucking worse and worse and worse me
Wrong in every fucking capacity
Then why? What business did you have with me?
Tell me why? Just… Tell me why?
What’s happening to me?
Why me?

I dunno how anyone’s reaction to scars is anything but “That’s sad to see, I hope I can do something to improve their day and/or life”

I get looks of ACTUAL PANIC sometimes when mine show up more in winter, like geeez man they’re none of your business unless you make it so!

Megaten has done it again

If I may have an off-shoot for your regular poetry content I’d like to talk about some of the life lessons and video game named: ‘Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner Raidou Kuzunoha Vs. King Abaddon’ has taught me and maybe speaking about will inspire 1 or 2 of you too

Many kids at our age these days are plagued with misfortune and despair, weather not objectively the volume of their cries coincides with the weight of their aliments matters not. It’s easy to scorn those who writhe in despair who only live to stand directly opposed to your morals and way of living, it’s easy to plunge into despair yourself as a result of their need writhe in their situations, to abandon the mantle you have taken on yourself, a mantle to which you took on because you didn’t want to see people suffer at the hands of misfortune any more. But no matter how endless their strife may seem you can serve as a spark in order to make people stand up and take lives into their own hands and end their madness, even those you act as your polar opposites if you stay strong and refuse to abandon your mantle then you can bring them hope. I abandoned that mantle once and lost a lot of people I cared about, but I shan’t do that again and try and bring hope to as many lives as I can, me ma taught me that and I’m glad some beautiful god damned people from the land of the rising sun made an amazing game to reinforce that lesson. Videogames.

“You have become a witness to this spectacle, abandon the mantle of ‘Raidou’ your actions of hope will only bring despair” – Shadino