Monster

I just wanted this to go like a theme park film roll
Snapshots of red cheeks, red berry slush in hand, golden rays dropping down
But then I had to go try putting you on the throne
Treating you like you got my six, not like the number 66, heading up Highwoods
For a picnic and walk under the canopies, oh please caress me under the trees
Take me for a meal, have me like mac and cheese, in front of the bees
Oh yes that’s how it were meant to be, but I started to think you my destiny
Oh that didn’t go down very well you see

Like cramming a cylinder in a square pocket
It started going wrong immediately
What do you mean you don’t fit in someone else shoes?
You mean to say not anyone can slide in comfortably?
Especially when your more Buttercup then Blossom
And your a stranger in Ballamory, but a local in Gotham

If only it stops right there
The reactive squirm after your nostrils hit that curdled milk
But when you tend to an open wound with another round of booze
I suddenly start to feel like I’m sharing the room with a Dybbuk

1 year, 2 year, 5 years isn’t enough apparently
To stop suspecting I’m on a receiving end of a coup
The moment you stop acting like a mirror I get suspect
“You’ll never trust anyone” you cried, and love, you might be right

I’ve role-played this night a million times
But I always play impostor with my feminine side
I think it could result in my Christabell
With an image of a poor young thing stuck in hell
I thought it might garner me some sympathy
Maybe people would start listening to me
Instead their disgust triggers my mania
All thanks to this cursed genitalia

But I’m seeing that I don’t deserve it, to be fair
Now when I’m on the receiving end of a terrified stare
Hand clutched to my phone, finding anyway to not be here any longer
I dunno how I’m looking to you guys, but to her I’m a clear monster
I’ve treated standing my ground like dropping an atom bomb
When a simple enquiry would’ve gotten the job done

Now it’s a matter of time till your gone
Till you’ve found a laid back yokel in Beeston
And when it’s 2024 and I’m down the community hall
With my new flame, who can take care of me no matter the fall
I’ll be pining for the low stake weekend away
Wild nights in the hostel restroom, by the end of the day
And when we stumble in two hours late for the poetry due
What’s the bet I’ll start getting them to wear your old shoes?

Sebastian Noël

Shout out to the side beas

There’s a hole in my soul
There’s a hollow in my passenger seat
My future set in muck
Does that make it all in vain?

…

You mean the times cruising up the country
With my lady speeding toward the sunset
Cos our knack for being late is impeccable
The way we scour the place top to bottom
The way we share a wine in a hidden slice of heaven
The way she shakes my soul with the hips Eros blessed her with
All in vain was it?
Oh fuck off

This thing we got going here is perfect
And it’s a thing people never think to perfect
They say it’s just the puppy love you feel on the way
To be discarded when the gold hits the finger
God bless Polyamory for providing another way
To keep that energy alive in it’s own right
“But after a while surely you gotta….”
My guy, we ain’t gotta do a damn thing

The nesting thing? Yeah that’s for someone else
But I can hear them chiming in now
“Oh that’s good till you find…”
Find who? I got a future built for two
Any endgame without her is not one worth reaching
Who’s the governing body for relationships anyway?
Do you get yours verified? I never knew you had too
But I got the backing of: Me, Myself and I. So I’ll be fine

Cos it’s nearly been two rotations around the sun
But she dominates my thoughts like a schoolyard crush
Comes into my daydreams like she’s entitled to it
Keeps me paralysed from her perfect ass to perfect mind
But that’s from the Patriarchal point of view
Cos I know how it really is
I’m her summer break, her holiday home in Yarmouth
And I thank god everyday she occupies my time
It’s something they never rate on the silver screen
Domestic bliss isn’t the end of the voyage
People like us want it all; we’re greedy with pride
But I expected a coffee with my Sunday roast
But I got the whole damn parfait, so hold off on the meat
I need a lifetime or two to get to grips with her

So shout outs to my fellow side beas
And the time frames that we make ecstatic
They’re the milestones of my life
It’s so good it’s got the bystanders jealous
They’re trying to throw every Monogamous lore they can at us
But when you’re holding me for ransom on platform 4
While waiting on that midnight train back home
Who can blame ‘em?

Sebastian Noël

Inie/Outie

Fuck the introspection, fuck the self-obsession
Fuck the “Her head behind the sunrise, what a beautiful sight”
Can’t stand to stare at my reflection for so long
Now the written word’s looking a lil’ stale
Seems backwards don’t it? Charging 2 quid at the door
To stare at me, while my back is turned
Then I sit down, Peroni in hand
As 4 classically trained wordshits do the same

The irony being this is my first little introspect ditty
Ever since I wagged on the crush poetry thing
A party trick disguised as an act of devotion
Channelling a Borderline’s obsession into a possession
You can show it to your friends, your neighbours if you must
It’s not healthy, but I must do as a poet must
I talk like I’m above it all
But you can expect anthology nostalgia, volume 6, 2024
What I’m getting at is: Scribes were meant for more than this
I can live through shit so my peers don’t gotta

I’m sharing a coffee as a means to prolong the weekend
With a enlistee of Generation Y.5
She describes a trap; harmless in it’s aesthetics
But malicious in it’s construction
It’s not unlike a blood pact, your DNA’s been swallowed
You’re a part of the family now, you’ve entered a contract
And I got flags honey, I can reach into my bag
Throw you flag after flag after flag
But you can’t put it to a binary, but it’s all familiar
He’s staring you down behind the house red
Split the bill, as long as you pay for the starters
You let a smidgen of trauma slip the tongue
“You’re family’s trash?” He say “Well you’re ours now”
Clear your books, introduce you to his accountants son
You’re the daughter they never had, an asset
Killed you with kindness, decisions now come with considerations
Not just he, but he mam, he dad, he dad’s co-worker
There’s no lock and key, but your fate is sealed

I wanna tell you that, but I’ll tell you in verse
Cos coming out with it does nothing to help
It implies motives that are non-existent
My heart’s taken, my libido’s not a factor
But where would that leave you even after I drop the first flag?
I tell you what I’ll do, I’ll phase it out
Not over hours, but over generations
I’ll write the hypothetical, inspire an idea
I won’t even hand you the saw, you won’t need it
My bars and rhymes will kick your mind
It’ll go feral, you’ll bite the chains of the cuffs
It’ll come to you, snap, like instinct
You’ll go coyote; savage, beaming, powerful
That’s some scribe to enrich the soul
It’s not about me, it’s about how me
How me, can take me, and make the masses see
A tendril up there back, a gag entering their gobs
Take back the timeline they tried to rob
So if I walk into a murder scene come next week
Blood on the wall, claw marks on the door
And a free woman, a free man, centres in the battle field
Then whether I succeed, crash or fail, fuck it, it was worth it

Sebastian Noël

Honest Lovesong

You’re an apex of affection in someone’s life
Don’t that mess you up?
Someone mirrors your gaze of an unrelenting infatuation
Doesn’t that proper fuck you up?

I know over time it’s gotta grate
How I take an off cuff I love you
Not a face value, but begrudgingly
Like a Evangelist at a Prehistoric museum
But I wish I could convey it correctly to you
How absurd it is your here with me tonight

I know you mean well, I know your heart swells
But when you put my name at the end of your love
It feels like I’ve jumped in from another timeline
A history free from my glowing failures
You say my name but you gotta mean someone else
It only makes sense if your seeing anyone else

It should go without uttering a single syllable
That I adore you even on a molecular level
Like ivy climbing up a historical abode
I’m a intrusive element feeding on another beauty
So when you tell me the ways I bring a smile
It feels like hieroglyphics on a birthday card
It feels like mercury spreading on my skin
It doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t feel right
I fucking hate how this feels
Please I just need to be left alone tonight

Oh of course I love you too
But you’re treating poison like porcelain

Sebastian Noël

Good Attention

You taught me the value of good attention

It wasn’t long into a muggy Friday morning
That I could feel each individual cell of my makeup
Being analysed to their very atoms
With the same curiosity a infant gives it’s surroundings
Diagrams and graphs in your mind
As you burn holes into my sides
Like a figure in a collectors shelf
I surrender my life as a mere visual for a moment

It’s something I’ve needed for months now
Kisses and caresses with just a look
It engulfs the creases of my stomach
The stretches on my sides, the hairs on my back
You just say; “keep doing what your doing”
All you wanna do is give good attention
It pushes the blood in my veins
It places a good personality in the cockpit
It contradicts the paranoia
That gaze refutes a million doubts in one swoop

Declarations can be overwritten, promises can be broken
But there’s no refuting the value of good attention
And when the weight of observation becomes too heavy
You cradle your head upon my lap

Sebastian Noël

Paranoid Patty: Jig Is Up (Draft)

The jig is up, the jacket’s off,
The sigh, cause and effect.
Ask me all you want, you know I’d never answer honestly.
Cos yes, maybe it was what you said that made me do it.
And if you see them, maybe it’s the only way to talk,
The only way you’ll listen without interrupting,
When I try improvising a verse together.
Cos I’ve never tried to speak about this before.

Something’s happening molecularly;
An absolute dissolution of my entire being.
People are closer then ever before,
But when they are, they don’t smile like before.
It used to give me a sense of purpose,
To give people the means to smile.
But people started to ask what I wanted too,
Now I’m at a loss for words.

Maybe what I want; you can’t give.
The fulfilment, the direction,
Something to put on my tombstone.
The support, the first response,
When the mind turns on itself.
The control, the peace,
As I learn to maintain myself.
It’s not fair to expect that from you.

He asked “then what can I give you?”
And it felt like a few seconds extended to hours.
I just nestled into his arm, as we lay on the settee,
Put my feet back in the blankets, as his cat lays on my lap.
Then it dawns on me the answer is: “Nothing.”
You’re just a spectator in the event called: Me.
You can’t be my hero, my mediator, you’re sort off; nothing.
Of course it doesn’t feel good to say that,
Plus I couldn’t even say no one else could be those things for me.
It really just… Depends

But for now, if you’ve a roof to cover me,
And there’s still a heart to occupy,
With a shit take away to fill our bellies
Maybe for now, that’s enough.

Sebastian Noël

Explode!

The tick of the clock is maddening

The frozen peas look antagonising

Your horror movie nights laid out

With no chance of deviation

Your soul screams but it gets the gag

But it’s not enough to give you silence

Your old school mates at the bar tonight

As he slides a what if question your way

What would he say? Would he like it?

Has he done this before?
What’s he into?
Has he seen you like this for long?

Does he imagine you naked in his bed?

What does his neck taste like?

How would his fingers feel down your back?

You tally up the results

I don’t think you wanna accept what you found

Feel the chains around your arms

As they tighten round your chest

The bombs in your hands

And your fingers are tracing the detonator

Feel the blood around your lips

As it all turns into the dust

The glacier begins to thaw

Breathe it in, breathe it in

With a clear conscience

For the very first time

You go home, and you can only remember he said no

His name, his face, become bonus features

The narrative isn’t up to scratch anymore

Your sense of control has fucked off home

Look at him chewing on his mashed potatoes

Without a care in the fucking world

You see red, you shoot daggers at his head

The keys to the cell are in sight

End the plight, take back control of your life!

Pull the trigger, come on baby! Let it explode!

Sebastian Noël

Who’s Really On The Side?

His mind’s slowly escaping his grasp
As he’s trying keep his feet planted in reality
And give the Sunday roast his full attention
Masquerading the neighbours new car as interesting conversation
But it’s no use, his short term memory is relentless
He’s staring at his wife’s face but nobodies home
It all ends up becoming flashback
To 2 night’s ago in a grotty hotel in Hull
Just him and an ethical side bea
She’s whispering clairvoyance in his ears
And it’s not long before the results are in
The predictions start to parallel our time line
As her lips leave a trail down his stomach
While his wrists turn blue from the discount restraints
Her eyes peek from above the belt line
As the leash drags him back… Into the present that is
Cos it’s time to pick up his daughter from tennis club
He kisses his wife with absent conviction
All while he pretends to be excited for tonight
When he’ll meet back with her in the bedroom

She notices the mark on his neck
She notices the burns on his wrist
She notices the lipstick on his chest
She notices the perfume on his musk
It’s not like her schedules barren
It’s not like her sides have fled for winter
It’s not like her secondaries fall short
It’s not like she’s tasting the backside of a veto
Her loins turn blue
As her face goes red
She hums a forced gleeful tune
As her hubby goes out the door

A werewolf in Sylvanian families
A hurricane in full house
It’s not my job to give a fuck
Your name’s on the contract
And I’m out to get mine
A 150 hotel roam doesn’t scream apprehension
Shred your plastic guilt
You want nothing else
Now apply your restraints
Let me veto your right to abstain
I know you can’t stop thinking bout me
I’m the trauma to your PTSD
I’m creepin’ when the mundane thrives
Tax returns with the wife, I’m there
Visiting the parents, I’m there
Arguing about being late, I’m there
Sitting through your kids recital, I’m there
Checking texts on the train, I’m there
Candle lit Tesco’s finest, I’m there
The car ride to Great Yarmouth, I’m there
Bills come in the post, I’m there
Looking forward to getting out the house, I’m there
Dreading having to vacate the hotel room, Cos I’m there
You can’t escape me, I’m always there

Sebastian Noël

Intended to be preformed by a trio

D8

A quick cut to the prints of your cortex
Under the guise of a time waster under the pines
Half synced as you request a history lesson
Eyes on me, mind elsewhere, as you recall the rules
But your first move, betrays your aloof persona
As the pawns moves aside, to give his holiness access

As I prepare the peons to form a impenetrable wall
There are two ways in which you wouldn’t accept that
“Why take up the mantle of an educator
You; who has all the markings of a creator?”
As you prep your knight in a beacons rate
That’s two ways the walls come crumbling down

5 pawns, a knight and a bishop make up my casualties
We don’t break eye contact for the entire match
As you ring your finger around the rim of my Corona
That’s two ways you firmly plant yourself in my territory
As your priest breaks the perimeter
That grin never leaves your face all the while

You always wanted to be an actress
Ever since your first pantomime as a nipper
Your iris widened and your belly started to growl
Life’s to be chewed up and spat out in your image
Pawn takes bishop, king and rook castle
You ain’t gonna rest till your name’s covering that venue

You know your being drip fed
Knight takes pawn, queen takes pawn
The legions in full force, nary a document leaks
Like on the board; I defend until I’m dragged out
Bishop takes queen, you take what you get
Cos scraps you got warm your heart

You like the unfolding puzzle type
It suits your playstyle; aggressive, get ‘em where you want
Nothing makes me more at ease
Then regaining consciousness, tucked in your bed
Rook takes bishop, check
Now you got me, I don’t wanna break free

Rook takes knight, the final blow’s in sight
Until my comrade surrounds and halts the fight
We’ll never know who would’ve taken the game
But I know you got a mind of steel
With a third eye that sees 5 moves ahead
You had me right where you wanted me: In sight
But you’d hear no objections from me receiving the sweep
I’m your prisoner of war, you play me how you like

Sebastian Noël

XXXXXXXXX

A burden lifted, a job relieved
Must’ve been Christmas come earlier
Like if the addicts stash grew legs
And filed the restraining order itself

Oh XXXXXXXXX
This is good for us I swear
You’ll miss the biscuit tin rises when taken away
But when your gorging on the 5-star moments
As your creation takes centre of an exhibition
While your published 2nd half to be, he grabs you tight
Kisses you on the head, and tells you how proud he is
You won’t be missing us then I promise

Oh XXXXXXXXX
Dry your eyes princess, this is no time to fret
There’s no glory keeping the Griffin in the cage
You were never mine, you belonged to the Gaia
To fuel those needing souls with inspirations
So they can join you sipping wine at the Tate Modern
Tell the kids it’s just a matter of time
Tell them we can all be like you XXXXXXXXX

Oh XXXXXXXXX
Know that despite time, I’ll always love you
For anymore I’ll doubt such a sappy claim
But for you it’s a sure fire
It’s just I’m a mystery to myself
And I’m a weaker man for it
No need for you to get caught in this mess I’m in
I’ll take the bullet, I’ll survive the bleeding

And when we come across each other again
When we lock eyes in the street
You’ll be wearing the nicest outfit
Arm in arm with an Adonis
You’ll look my way
And I’ll look back with a smile
Cos I know I made the right choice
Oh I’ll never escape loving you XXXXXXXXX
Only love can motivate such a suicide
But don’t worry I’ll make my own way

Sebastian Noël

A part of the XXXXXXXXX series
Originally written 6 years ago, tarted up in 2016