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Love Song #562

It says a lot about the weight I’ve had to carry
That I’ve only just had the time to idle long enough to remember
It’s been a whole month since we last were a part of each others lives
I’m not surprised to find I’ve been left on read this whole time since then
It’s our insignia to leave something like this so open ended
I guess you saw this like a pit stop less a reunion
Two satellites converging on their trajectory for a weekend
Before going their separate ways until the next time fate gravitates them
I’m not gonna act like I’m shocked by it at all
But I’m not gonna act like it didn’t sting a little bit either

To think of the sincerity of what you told me that night
With the kind of grin that comes from exploring a new life in your palms
But with the familiarity of slipping back onto an old coat
To think your happy to just walk away from all that
Cos for you it was just another night
Thinking about it gets me misty eyed if I’m being honest with you

But I am a satellite first and foremost
And my destiny doesn’t lie with waiting on your trail
Cos when I returned to my soil it was instantaneous
The cries of my brothers, sisters and siblings
The ones who share all the corners of my make-up
Were all I could hear even behind my headphones
I didn’t even get a chance to take off my boots
But already I got an obligation to my people

Cos they’re trying to survive under the crosshairs of society
Each and every star in my city struggling to burn brightly
Anyway I can help guide their way, that’s the reason I’m still on this rock
To share this pain and bring them all with me as I raise higher
Cos if I’m doomed to wait for heaven on earth
Then I reckon this isn’t a bad use of my precious time

Still, I think about how you won’t join me and my breathing gets heavier
The callous ways of the cisgendered will be a mystery to me I suppose
But I’m grateful I got to lie with you for one more night again
It gave me a reminder of what love is supposed to look like:

The ease of it, the flowing dialogue, the little moments of contact
An DIY chicken sandwich lunch, letting the time get away from us
The passionate rants 3 glasses of Preseco in
Pound store Christmas lights illuminating the room
As you enthusiastically get reacquainted with the nuances of my body
Only to get flustered at the puzzle of my belt buckle
No vague mysteries or foggy clues: You just want me.
And that’s the most wanted I’ve ever felt in a decade my friend

So now I’m back in my local with the next romance in the queue
When he tries to sell me a tertiary association
As a romance of the same calibre
I’ll remember our night during January 2019
And I’ll see past the contexts and the politics
And remember love doesn’t have to feel this empty

I Still Got It

I still got it, got it, got it
Half a year on and I still got it
Still got that euphoria
Stemming from a more balanced wardrobe
From when the aesthetics keep people guessing
Even when catching the war gaze
Still got it, got it
Always had it, only now getting it
Finding the real me, only now just grabbing it
That hole in my soul, only now just filling it

But what I had to do to get it
My love, my mind, my status: All gone
Lovers saw the path, didn’t wanna walk
Say they love us, but couldn’t love me as one of us
Staring down the chambers, from every form of print
Reeling to see old friends, hesitate to lend to a hand
What else are they thinking? But never thought to say
Cos it wasn’t relevant, now it’s fucking relevant
Nothing to distract, from daily onslaught
Little fun with some company, notion long lost
All the smiles, turn into wretches of disgust
Liked better when they could squint, act like I was a man
Now they gotta see me, they don’t wanna know
My love, my mind, my status: All. Fucking. Gone

But there’s no way I’m gonna lose it
Not when I worked so hard to get it
It’s just a long process to wait
For everything in your life so far
To shrivel up, mould away and die
So summant better can take it’s place

Sebastian Noël

Reintroductions Are In Order

[CW: Gender & Body Dysphoria mentions]

Another product of content indoctrination
A malicious movement disguised as empowerment
But accepting who you are only gets you so far
When it’s a far cry from who you need to be
Oh my man, you didn’t treat me so good
But that’s nothing compared to how you treated yourself

Every time you catch your reflection unawares
In the puddle, shop windows, rear view mirrors
A cold sigh, an empty nod
I don’t even greet my greatest enemies like that
But you swear down there’s nothing behind it
As long as it lets you ignore the savagery of time
As it enunciates your feminine figure as the years march on
Cos content culture doesn’t allow for that kind of discontent

But alas, a lifetime spent with womanhood
And all it’s ever done, was do you dirty
It clipped your wings with a premature time limit
On behalf of maternal obligations and a biological clock
It’s always ticking away in the back of your skull
Putting a damper on your travelling plans
Just leaves you with seething jealousy
For those on the other side of the binary
A father at 55? Not sus in the slightest
A freedom you’ll never know, having lost the biology lottery

But alas, a lifetime spent with womanhood
And all it’s ever done, was do you dirty
Stuck with aesthetics disconnected from your soul
Deafened with compliments, so you never thought to check
If your most lauded traits ever brought you joy
Your curved hips, those slender legs
Them gargantuan eyes and stacked behind
Calls of envy from your peers distracts for a spell
But you notice it starts to make your stomach churn
It never fit, it didn’t work, it doesn’t make sense
You get you energy from Mars, not Venus
The future is dreadful, sends you pining for pre-pubescent times
If only you knew then what you do know
The maybe you could’ve put a stop to this…

But alas, a lifetime spent with womanhood
And all it’s ever done, was do you dirty
In hindsight, it had to be why you reacted with venom
As I was on my way out of the binary
The programming didn’t want to accept it viable
All very well as a hypothetical for someone else
But to see it staring at you from a lover
Just makes you remember how you’re 30 years too late
But it’s never too late, there’s no expiry date
To drop the act and live a life that’s true
50 years of beautiful honesty, vs. all 90 years in bullshit?
Oh it’s never too late to embrace the god of war’s power
In fact I pray the next time we cross paths
In the bowels of Dalston, or prematurely in Victoria
You’ll have started your HRT
And reintroductions are in order

Sebastian Noël

Written at the request of S

Sums Eurgh ‘un

Expelling the monstrosity from my ecology
Like a Chimera shedding traits enforced upon it
To think: perception under complete control
Bound, chained, an identity that’s yours to command

Give a pass on the tyrannical father figure thing
Give a pass on the bottom you feel entitled too
For those who focus and don’t leave it at a guess
And can see the kind of person I really am
There’s a spot in the greatest summer wasted just for you
Just to escape isolation and take it all

Eyes that ignore what they perceive
And tune into reality
That’s the source of my dream energy
Where abandoning my encapsulation
Doesn’t leave me with exasperation
A dream that’s deceptively gargantuan

Sebastian Noël