I Got It

I think I got it
At 14 zoning out on the knoll
Thinking about how there’s no magic coming
My bodies on a set course from now to oblivion
No magic spell to cross the binary is coming
And nothing made me more sad then that

I think I got it
I never would’ve assumed so
I suppose I was unhappy with myself
Until my body started resembling an unwelcome guest
Maybe I just never gave it much thought
I let people paint and put a name on it
When they craved hair like an indicator
Not talking about the mop on their head
Talking about the hair that solidifies chromosomes
“I know you hate it but why would that matter?”
Yeah I really let them have their way
Threw away my ‘me’ and let the wolves fight it out
No reason to complain right? I had it good
Different girl on my mattress every month, good right?
Getting the clout of my peers, it’s good right?
Sex, fame and a living wage, that’s good right?
Knocking back 12 shots just to cope, that’s good right?
Crying in the mirror, that’s the good shit right?
Screaming for help but no one listening, that’s good right?
Saving none of your love for yourself, that’s the good shit yeah?
I had what they wanted, it never looked like suffering
So no one ever lent a hand, just let it all slide
Why’s that? I know why’s that
That’s why I think I got it

Yeah I got it
But I thought soon after does it matter?
Yeah I got it
Can’t everything I wanted to be, can’t it be done as me?
Yeah I got it
It matters plenty it turns out
Yeah I got it
Every time they only saw what they wanted
Yeah I got it
When they saw a monster in their spaces
Yeah I got it
No, when they saw a monster in MY spaces
Yeah I got it
They ask me to take on my guilt
Yeah I got it
No, they ask me to take on another’s guilt

Yeah I got it
When I tell them I’m not of their number
But they don’t care, they got a bone to pick
Man man man, they gotta throw down hands
They know a man when they see one
And it makes me feel like shit cos I got it
Cos nothing makes me more ill
Cos it makes me wanna tear my skin off
Rip my organs out and rearrange them
In a way where they’ll start to see me
Do I wanna? No, but it’s like I gotta
Cos I got it, but they have to see I got it
I got the scars but, nah I ain’t got it
Somedays I feel like one way, so I don’t got it

Fuck you, I got it
I always liked it when the praise was contradictory
Yeah I got it
“I wish I had your eyelashes, your nails grow so quick”
Yeah I got it
Skin softer then satin, lips swollen like allergies
Yeah I got it
The hair on my head: My greatest asset

The things that get me jealous
The freedom of that beauty
The attention demanded en masse
And the pit of knowing it’ll never be mine
Fuck what your eyes see: I got it
Just cos I didn’t express it in a one piece dress
Cos I’m on that dungrees or Parka and leggings ting
Doesn’t mean I don’t got it
Fuck what your eyes see; I belong here
We share the same energy: Get over it
Someone that looks like me has got it
Yeah I got it

Sebastian Noël

Not U

Don’t call me that, call me that, call me that, call me that
I’m nothing like that
More evident when you insist I am
Evidence exclusive from your insistence
“You’re one of us, expect your this
And this, and this, and this, and this…”
Every stipulation so you don’t gotta say I am
Cos if I am then you are too and anything but that

But fine I never felt like you at all
I never felt it at all
Ever since 14 staring into space
Fantasising body swapping with another kind
The things I’d do, the things I’d say
I could be loved, man it’d be cool
But no animosity, cos I was always happy to come back
If only I could on the fly, if only it was real

But I had to be one, I had to be like them
Hate like them, abuse like them
Take like them, them like them
Who them? Either one: They them
Cos them only care about what they think is there
So if you listen with your eyes
And never see with your ears
Then. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

Sebastian Noël

No Future For Us

I can tell they’re uncomfortable when I talk about it
I know it goes against every fairy tale they were ever taught
The idea that life’s virtues aren’t a guarantee
Sends a damn chill up their spines
That a house, a family, a spouse or a kid
Ain’t just gonna fall on your lap before you hit 30
That you can expire from this life just fine without them
Or even worse; that maybe forces unseen keep them out of your reach

But sit your typical ass down, you’ll do just fine
But my little autistic self ain’t safe for it at all tho
I’ve seen the future all nice and clear
I adjust my vision every time, but the image is the same
It’s me uttering my last words to an audience of no one
Even the flowers in the vases seem glad to see the back of me
Sadly no one could make it for my death you see
Their schedules are full with work and the kids
They couldn’t find the time to see me snuff it
Typical, we all only die once too….

I can’t imagine my future with the lil’ picket fence thing
Where the money coming from? Who’s renting?
Who’s hiring a spastic like me so I can afford the mortgage?
Who’s sticking around long enough to co-inhabit with me?
When the only successful love I’ve felt is on borrowed time?
Who’s thinking me man of the house, when I reject that masculine bullshit?
And even if I hid it all, brought a beautiful son or daughter into the world
Who’s to say social services ain’t watching my every move?
Terrified of the empathy I could teach a generation
Ready to kick the door down, medical papers in hands
Take my kids away, and breed them compliant in the orphanage
Who’s to say every inch of depravity wasn’t planned from the start?

But I’m getting ahead of myself here
Cos I’m still at the point of disgust at first sight
In a social ecosystem designed to keep us out
You got 3 replies to inspire their attention
When replying at all drains the energy out of you
And god help you if it ain’t about The Walking Game Of Bojack
That’s where we’re at, our down time has been streamlined
Did you spend it doing what you love? Or did you spend it correctly?

From that petty stuff to the real insidious shit
Like your co-workers looking at you like Bigfoot
When you dare walk in 5 years older, still not a wife, not a mother
They talk to you in the same tone as they would refugees
What possible calamity could’ve befallen you to be this way?
Diddums, poor girl, they ask what’s wrong with you?
No quicker way to feel the reaper crawling down your neck
Tapping his fingers on your back in time to the tick of the clock

But what the fuck do these people expect?
When they still can’t cope with us finally being the real us?
“It’s really unattractive when…” “that’s so unmanly if…”
Too queer for the straights, to straight for the queers, you know how it is
No matter how much self love you got on reserve
There’s no way you can’t view yourself defective after all that
But of course “Having no confidence is so gross”
You gotta laugh, they’ve designed our exile from affection perfectly
Designed so my brothers don’t pass enough to have ever had it
Designed so that my sisters are forced into it before they’re ready
And if they’re not ready? They’re happy to let the bio clock time out
Cos they don’t want us to breed if we don’t step in line

“Entitlement” or some shit like that right?
Heaven forbid we crave what the typicals are given in spades
That we crave a little security in our lives
That we crave a little love to come home too
That we crave feeling like our lives are equal to yours
That we crave feeling like we’re not alien
That we crave someone enjoying our company
That we crave someone lusting for our bodies
That we crave the right to feel safe in our homes
That we crave the right to feel safe being off kilter
That we crave having a little hope
That we crave having a way to stop feeling doomed
That we crave some sympathy when the sensory overloads
That we crave some sympathy if it takes us a while to talk back
That we crave thinking we can make something of ourselves
Or even that we crave feeling like people don’t want us dead
That we crave knowing people don’t hate us
That we crave knowing people don’t think us inferior
That we crave a little fucking time to figure it out
That we crave just another year to get a handle on it
Heaven forbid we wanna live like you
Heaven forbid we want love like you
Heaven forbid we get up in the morning
Heaven forbid we co-exist with you
Heaven forbid I inhale oxygen in my lungs
Heaven forbid I exhale that CO2 out of them
Heaven forbid I live at all
Heaven forbid….

Shout out to the side beas

There’s a hole in my soul
There’s a hollow in my passenger seat
My future set in muck
Does that make it all in vain?

…

You mean the times cruising up the country
With my lady speeding toward the sunset
Cos our knack for being late is impeccable
The way we scour the place top to bottom
The way we share a wine in a hidden slice of heaven
The way she shakes my soul with the hips Eros blessed her with
All in vain was it?
Oh fuck off

This thing we got going here is perfect
And it’s a thing people never think to perfect
They say it’s just the puppy love you feel on the way
To be discarded when the gold hits the finger
God bless Polyamory for providing another way
To keep that energy alive in it’s own right
“But after a while surely you gotta….”
My guy, we ain’t gotta do a damn thing

The nesting thing? Yeah that’s for someone else
But I can hear them chiming in now
“Oh that’s good till you find…”
Find who? I got a future built for two
Any endgame without her is not one worth reaching
Who’s the governing body for relationships anyway?
Do you get yours verified? I never knew you had too
But I got the backing of: Me, Myself and I. So I’ll be fine

Cos it’s nearly been two rotations around the sun
But she dominates my thoughts like a schoolyard crush
Comes into my daydreams like she’s entitled to it
Keeps me paralysed from her perfect ass to perfect mind
But that’s from the Patriarchal point of view
Cos I know how it really is
I’m her summer break, her holiday home in Yarmouth
And I thank god everyday she occupies my time
It’s something they never rate on the silver screen
Domestic bliss isn’t the end of the voyage
People like us want it all; we’re greedy with pride
But I expected a coffee with my Sunday roast
But I got the whole damn parfait, so hold off on the meat
I need a lifetime or two to get to grips with her

So shout outs to my fellow side beas
And the time frames that we make ecstatic
They’re the milestones of my life
It’s so good it’s got the bystanders jealous
They’re trying to throw every Monogamous lore they can at us
But when you’re holding me for ransom on platform 4
While waiting on that midnight train back home
Who can blame ‘em?

Sebastian Noël

-DEADNAME- (Where’s He At?)

Oh -DEADNAME- -DEADNAME-
Oh -DEADNAME- they still ask for you
Did you know that? They still weep for you
They ask “Hey what happened too -DEADNAME-?”
Remember how -DEADNAME- used to be?
-DEADNAME- would be so happy and smiley
I don’t think they remember you at all -DEADNAME-
By any other name, but they still wouldn’t recognize you

When I show my face in your stead
I’m greeted by sighs when they see I’m not you
Damn if that don’t hurt
Cos it doesn’t matter who you are
All they wanna see is what they wanna see

His name still carries infamy
They’re peeking out the car windows for him
But they’ll never find him
No not anymore
I’ll engage them but it’s not good enough
The dissonance with their replies is too great
Are they listening to me? Can they hear me?
They’re replying to -DEADNAME- but he’s not here

They’re waiting on his invitation
To complete the trip down memory lane
But the guest of honour is a no show
Good. I hope he stays that way
I’ve broken if off, I’ve had enough of ‘him’
To be asked to represent ideals
I see no value in, bit unfair init?
I tell you I’m no villain
But it matters not, everything they say is true
People want a villain, one born of hell
But I keep trying to tell you, he don’t live here no more
I’m no villain, no more

When all they see is what they wanna see
Regardless of the reality
Damn if it don’t hurt
Cos it doesn’t matter what you are
It’s not as important as what they wanna see

I’m free from the shackles of he!
Please don’t drag me back
Cos you got a vendetta with a dead man
Something better has taken it’s place
Don’t ask me to regress for the sake of nostalgia
It’s not just taking an identity
It’s also asking to take on all it’s sins
I hear them pop off from the stands
-DEADNAME- -DEADNAME- -DEADNAME-
They wanna see a villain
But that’s him, that’s not me
I’m no villain

Sebastian Noël

FP

You’re
sick of hearing about it
I’m sick of thinking about it
Like a prefix, a disclaimer
Painting a context over everything
Everything I say, think or feel
Getting nostalgic doesn’t even feel good no more

I just
remember the plan; buzzwords spiking my drink
Being treated like an asset, an elixir, a cure
Like your pleasure, isn’t my pain
Like your familiar, isn’t my nightmare
So when people politely suggest to me, like Eureka
As if they’ve clocked on why the raven’s like the writing desk
That I just forget them, take my mind off ‘em, quick snap
Jesus Christ, as I jump out of my chair, Einstein walks among us!
But common sense and logic doesn’t have a stake in this conundrum
People gotta think I’m nursing a cocktail as the sun goes down
Time travelling to 2010 with comforting sigh
As if it’s welcome, as if it’s not involuntary
As if it doesn’t intrude at the worst of times
Times when I should be basking in the wealth of the present
But it’s logical too me, like I left a part of me behind
I’m shivering, the draft’s going through a hole in my soul
It’s that estrangement feeling, like a kid yearning for its parents
It’s that logical, that ingrained, it’s an auto-pilot feeling
When I’m back in control of course I steer away
It’s why I fear the idle thoughts like the bogeyman
Cos do you think I’d feel any better if that void got filled?
I didn’t forget the toxic shit that used to be there
The way it’d twist my mind, it’d leave my feelings behind
The way it made me feel ugly, the way it turned me into a freak
Filled to the brim the prose they used to whisper in my ear
Like “I regret dating a spastic like you”, straight out of
Shakespeare

I know
you’re sick of hearing it
I know you’re sick of them coming back like a bad sequel
I’m sick of it, sicker than I’ve ever been
So please just set aside a little prayer for me about it
Cos I wanna stop thinking about it too
But I can’t escape my favourite of all time
Cos when the anniversary creek’s it ugly head
On the 29th of the year’s tail end
I start thinking about my favourite person
But thinking about ’em’s my least favourite thing

Sebastian Noël

Milkssshhaaaakkke (2018 edit)

Milkshaaaake
The only way to start the day
A spike of vanilla on the Tuesday
A burst of strawberry on the following day
The hints of honeycomb in my molars
During Thursdays 2 for 1 special
The thought is only thing keeping me awake

Milkshaaaaaake
Me and the Bea and the Shake
Chillin’ on the park as the sun goes down
Looking into her mocha eyes, straw in mouth
Never wanting this moment to end
And when it does I’ll go back to the diner
Then I’ll get another one, maybe with extra cream
She says she doesn’t wanna go back all that way
So I tell her the way home and “see you later”

Milkshaaaaaaaake
It’s always on my mind
The sensations are sublime
When I’m working my mind goes idle
Always wondering back to the same place
Table for 1, alone on a Friday night
With my favourite kind of company
An Ed’s Baileys deluxe shake
My eyes get introduced to the tears
As I gaze on that perfect chrome shine
Did god weep when you feel from heaven?

Milkshaaaaaake
Oh lawrdy now I’m craving
If I lay you down back at mine
And serve you up the triple pop
Will you give me your spare change
So I can afford a Baked Alaska?
Geeez it’s the least you can do

Milllkkkkyysshhaakkeeyyy
I let it dictate my personality
It’s become my identity
All my strife and struggles in life
Forgotten once I hit the grave
“Aaah that guy and his milkshakes” they’ll say
As my family and friends gather in droves
Pour a bottle a Yazoo on my grave
Place flowers in empty Friji bottles

Milshaaaaake
The only reason to live
Spread it on your cornflakes
Use it as your bath water
Inject it into your medicine
My beacon of hope
The light of my life
My comfort, my delicacy
My oxygen, my gold and riches
You find it funny but I’m not laughing
My empire has a Strawberry syrup scent
Your notion of power is implanted
Your view of gluttony isn’t from your eyesight
Pleading for pussy and power? Please
Procure me a Pistachio Plus Special
Cos as the world crumbles around us
Its the closest thing I’ve come to peace
The cost of living doesn’t stop rising
People dying on the streets more everyday
Our government succeeding in killing the poor
And they got their eyes on the disabled next
The earth is succumbing to the wrath of nature
Entire countries wiped out in hurricanes
Life is coming up to that final act
Each second soaring up in value
But no matter what they do, not matter what they say
They can never take your milkshake away

– Sebastian Noël

Inie/Outie

Fuck the introspection, fuck the self-obsession
Fuck the “Her head behind the sunrise, what a beautiful sight”
Can’t stand to stare at my reflection for so long
Now the written word’s looking a lil’ stale
Seems backwards don’t it? Charging 2 quid at the door
To stare at me, while my back is turned
Then I sit down, Peroni in hand
As 4 classically trained wordshits do the same

The irony being this is my first little introspect ditty
Ever since I wagged on the crush poetry thing
A party trick disguised as an act of devotion
Channelling a Borderline’s obsession into a possession
You can show it to your friends, your neighbours if you must
It’s not healthy, but I must do as a poet must
I talk like I’m above it all
But you can expect anthology nostalgia, volume 6, 2024
What I’m getting at is: Scribes were meant for more than this
I can live through shit so my peers don’t gotta

I’m sharing a coffee as a means to prolong the weekend
With a enlistee of Generation Y.5
She describes a trap; harmless in it’s aesthetics
But malicious in it’s construction
It’s not unlike a blood pact, your DNA’s been swallowed
You’re a part of the family now, you’ve entered a contract
And I got flags honey, I can reach into my bag
Throw you flag after flag after flag
But you can’t put it to a binary, but it’s all familiar
He’s staring you down behind the house red
Split the bill, as long as you pay for the starters
You let a smidgen of trauma slip the tongue
“You’re family’s trash?” He say “Well you’re ours now”
Clear your books, introduce you to his accountants son
You’re the daughter they never had, an asset
Killed you with kindness, decisions now come with considerations
Not just he, but he mam, he dad, he dad’s co-worker
There’s no lock and key, but your fate is sealed

I wanna tell you that, but I’ll tell you in verse
Cos coming out with it does nothing to help
It implies motives that are non-existent
My heart’s taken, my libido’s not a factor
But where would that leave you even after I drop the first flag?
I tell you what I’ll do, I’ll phase it out
Not over hours, but over generations
I’ll write the hypothetical, inspire an idea
I won’t even hand you the saw, you won’t need it
My bars and rhymes will kick your mind
It’ll go feral, you’ll bite the chains of the cuffs
It’ll come to you, snap, like instinct
You’ll go coyote; savage, beaming, powerful
That’s some scribe to enrich the soul
It’s not about me, it’s about how me
How me, can take me, and make the masses see
A tendril up there back, a gag entering their gobs
Take back the timeline they tried to rob
So if I walk into a murder scene come next week
Blood on the wall, claw marks on the door
And a free woman, a free man, centres in the battle field
Then whether I succeed, crash or fail, fuck it, it was worth it

Sebastian Noël

Sex Posexclusitive

From a glitter soap box, proudly proclaimed
“Sensual liberation for everyone,
All peoples deserves to feel desired and loved”
Artemis said to Diana
From the start the rosters looking one note
Goddesses, Champions and Prodigies
One frame, One colour
‘All peoples’ according to their social circles

Community is a currency
Your support is sparse, less it loses value
Each comment particular, purposeful
What do I get back? How do I get in?
Beauty next to beauty gets more beautiful
My crooked nose next to beauty gets the boot
No suit, No 40 quid barber cut
No Garibaldi, No Sale, No value
Like a Reliant Robin turning up to NASCAR
Throw a sun dyed figure from your collection
Keep the gene pool untainted
It’s an illuminati, fortnightly down my local

“Beauty for the beautiful
Sex for the sexy
Our arms are open to everyone
To deliver love for everyone”

Yeah, you’re allright mate
The manifesto comes of as hollow
Like a Robin Hood stealing from the poor
Then pretending to act like the rich
“Ah” you say “That can’t include me,
I take Erythromycin and use a crutch to leave the house”
Look in the mirror and get some perspective
You fucking Hepburn Monroe idget

They say don’t pay attention to the numbers
As they pray you pay attention to the numbers
300 little love notes passed in class
On your routine bath selfie
A lot of literature to get through
Too busy to aid the needy
“Please ma’am can I have some?” she says
Some acknowledgement for the ugly
For the 9 likes break out skin and pug nose
May as well be whistling through your gappy teeth
“Awwwh babe…” Copy and paste
Out of sight, out of mind, job done
Can still put “open and accepting” on the CV
But you can’t deny those numbers
The contrast is like a fissure
But that’s probs why you keep us around

– Sebastian Noël

From the “Ugly” series

Honest Lovesong

You’re an apex of affection in someone’s life
Don’t that mess you up?
Someone mirrors your gaze of an unrelenting infatuation
Doesn’t that proper fuck you up?

I know over time it’s gotta grate
How I take an off cuff I love you
Not a face value, but begrudgingly
Like a Evangelist at a Prehistoric museum
But I wish I could convey it correctly to you
How absurd it is your here with me tonight

I know you mean well, I know your heart swells
But when you put my name at the end of your love
It feels like I’ve jumped in from another timeline
A history free from my glowing failures
You say my name but you gotta mean someone else
It only makes sense if your seeing anyone else

It should go without uttering a single syllable
That I adore you even on a molecular level
Like ivy climbing up a historical abode
I’m a intrusive element feeding on another beauty
So when you tell me the ways I bring a smile
It feels like hieroglyphics on a birthday card
It feels like mercury spreading on my skin
It doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t feel right
I fucking hate how this feels
Please I just need to be left alone tonight

Oh of course I love you too
But you’re treating poison like porcelain

Sebastian Noël