Can’t Switch It Off

Oh I can’t switch it off no more
Logged off but I can’t switch it off
Hands over my ears but I can’t switch it off
No matter where I am I can’t switch it off anymore

How I supposed to switch it off now?
When every atom belong to every form of life
Is poised to guarantee my demise
They wanna see my gasping for my life
It sleeps in every god damn person alive
So why on the fuck would I ever switch it off?

I’m supposed to just switch it off?
Repress it all and happily play patty cake?
With my fellow man, when all the evidence
Points to that they can’t be reasoned with
Anecdotal, Historical, Psychological take your pick
It all shows the hands get thrown with a guarantee
The moment naïveté infects your common sense
And you get the feeling you can switch it off

How the fuck am I supposed to switch it off?
Logged off but how am I meant to switch it off?
Hands over my eyes but I can’t just switch it off!
No one like me made this far by switching it off

Behind every smile hides a killer, so hell no am I switching it off
Just so they can slug behind me under the guise of tolerance
And they decide at the drop to switch it off permanently
So never switch that shit off, take it from me
Don’t trust any fuck under any circumstances
Less you wanna add to another statistic
That spreads the melancholy to a wider range
You keep that shit switch ON. Till your days stop.

Sebastian Noël

No Future For Us

I can tell they’re uncomfortable when I talk about it
I know it goes against every fairy tale they were ever taught
The idea that life’s virtues aren’t a guarantee
Sends a damn chill up their spines
That a house, a family, a spouse or a kid
Ain’t just gonna fall on your lap before you hit 30
That you can expire from this life just fine without them
Or even worse; that maybe forces unseen keep them out of your reach

But sit your typical ass down, you’ll do just fine
But my little autistic self ain’t safe for it at all tho
I’ve seen the future all nice and clear
I adjust my vision every time, but the image is the same
It’s me uttering my last words to an audience of no one
Even the flowers in the vases seem glad to see the back of me
Sadly no one could make it for my death you see
Their schedules are full with work and the kids
They couldn’t find the time to see me snuff it
Typical, we all only die once too….

I can’t imagine my future with the lil’ picket fence thing
Where the money coming from? Who’s renting?
Who’s hiring a spastic like me so I can afford the mortgage?
Who’s sticking around long enough to co-inhabit with me?
When the only successful love I’ve felt is on borrowed time?
Who’s thinking me man of the house, when I reject that masculine bullshit?
And even if I hid it all, brought a beautiful son or daughter into the world
Who’s to say social services ain’t watching my every move?
Terrified of the empathy I could teach a generation
Ready to kick the door down, medical papers in hands
Take my kids away, and breed them compliant in the orphanage
Who’s to say every inch of depravity wasn’t planned from the start?

But I’m getting ahead of myself here
Cos I’m still at the point of disgust at first sight
In a social ecosystem designed to keep us out
You got 3 replies to inspire their attention
When replying at all drains the energy out of you
And god help you if it ain’t about The Walking Game Of Bojack
That’s where we’re at, our down time has been streamlined
Did you spend it doing what you love? Or did you spend it correctly?

From that petty stuff to the real insidious shit
Like your co-workers looking at you like Bigfoot
When you dare walk in 5 years older, still not a wife, not a mother
They talk to you in the same tone as they would refugees
What possible calamity could’ve befallen you to be this way?
Diddums, poor girl, they ask what’s wrong with you?
No quicker way to feel the reaper crawling down your neck
Tapping his fingers on your back in time to the tick of the clock

But what the fuck do these people expect?
When they still can’t cope with us finally being the real us?
“It’s really unattractive when…” “that’s so unmanly if…”
Too queer for the straights, to straight for the queers, you know how it is
No matter how much self love you got on reserve
There’s no way you can’t view yourself defective after all that
But of course “Having no confidence is so gross”
You gotta laugh, they’ve designed our exile from affection perfectly
Designed so my brothers don’t pass enough to have ever had it
Designed so that my sisters are forced into it before they’re ready
And if they’re not ready? They’re happy to let the bio clock time out
Cos they don’t want us to breed if we don’t step in line

“Entitlement” or some shit like that right?
Heaven forbid we crave what the typicals are given in spades
That we crave a little security in our lives
That we crave a little love to come home too
That we crave feeling like our lives are equal to yours
That we crave feeling like we’re not alien
That we crave someone enjoying our company
That we crave someone lusting for our bodies
That we crave the right to feel safe in our homes
That we crave the right to feel safe being off kilter
That we crave having a little hope
That we crave having a way to stop feeling doomed
That we crave some sympathy when the sensory overloads
That we crave some sympathy if it takes us a while to talk back
That we crave thinking we can make something of ourselves
Or even that we crave feeling like people don’t want us dead
That we crave knowing people don’t hate us
That we crave knowing people don’t think us inferior
That we crave a little fucking time to figure it out
That we crave just another year to get a handle on it
Heaven forbid we wanna live like you
Heaven forbid we want love like you
Heaven forbid we get up in the morning
Heaven forbid we co-exist with you
Heaven forbid I inhale oxygen in my lungs
Heaven forbid I exhale that CO2 out of them
Heaven forbid I live at all
Heaven forbid….

Milkssshhaaaakkke (2018 edit)

Milkshaaaake
The only way to start the day
A spike of vanilla on the Tuesday
A burst of strawberry on the following day
The hints of honeycomb in my molars
During Thursdays 2 for 1 special
The thought is only thing keeping me awake

Milkshaaaaaake
Me and the Bea and the Shake
Chillin’ on the park as the sun goes down
Looking into her mocha eyes, straw in mouth
Never wanting this moment to end
And when it does I’ll go back to the diner
Then I’ll get another one, maybe with extra cream
She says she doesn’t wanna go back all that way
So I tell her the way home and “see you later”

Milkshaaaaaaaake
It’s always on my mind
The sensations are sublime
When I’m working my mind goes idle
Always wondering back to the same place
Table for 1, alone on a Friday night
With my favourite kind of company
An Ed’s Baileys deluxe shake
My eyes get introduced to the tears
As I gaze on that perfect chrome shine
Did god weep when you feel from heaven?

Milkshaaaaaake
Oh lawrdy now I’m craving
If I lay you down back at mine
And serve you up the triple pop
Will you give me your spare change
So I can afford a Baked Alaska?
Geeez it’s the least you can do

Milllkkkkyysshhaakkeeyyy
I let it dictate my personality
It’s become my identity
All my strife and struggles in life
Forgotten once I hit the grave
“Aaah that guy and his milkshakes” they’ll say
As my family and friends gather in droves
Pour a bottle a Yazoo on my grave
Place flowers in empty Friji bottles

Milshaaaaake
The only reason to live
Spread it on your cornflakes
Use it as your bath water
Inject it into your medicine
My beacon of hope
The light of my life
My comfort, my delicacy
My oxygen, my gold and riches
You find it funny but I’m not laughing
My empire has a Strawberry syrup scent
Your notion of power is implanted
Your view of gluttony isn’t from your eyesight
Pleading for pussy and power? Please
Procure me a Pistachio Plus Special
Cos as the world crumbles around us
Its the closest thing I’ve come to peace
The cost of living doesn’t stop rising
People dying on the streets more everyday
Our government succeeding in killing the poor
And they got their eyes on the disabled next
The earth is succumbing to the wrath of nature
Entire countries wiped out in hurricanes
Life is coming up to that final act
Each second soaring up in value
But no matter what they do, not matter what they say
They can never take your milkshake away

– Sebastian Noël

Inie/Outie

Fuck the introspection, fuck the self-obsession
Fuck the “Her head behind the sunrise, what a beautiful sight”
Can’t stand to stare at my reflection for so long
Now the written word’s looking a lil’ stale
Seems backwards don’t it? Charging 2 quid at the door
To stare at me, while my back is turned
Then I sit down, Peroni in hand
As 4 classically trained wordshits do the same

The irony being this is my first little introspect ditty
Ever since I wagged on the crush poetry thing
A party trick disguised as an act of devotion
Channelling a Borderline’s obsession into a possession
You can show it to your friends, your neighbours if you must
It’s not healthy, but I must do as a poet must
I talk like I’m above it all
But you can expect anthology nostalgia, volume 6, 2024
What I’m getting at is: Scribes were meant for more than this
I can live through shit so my peers don’t gotta

I’m sharing a coffee as a means to prolong the weekend
With a enlistee of Generation Y.5
She describes a trap; harmless in it’s aesthetics
But malicious in it’s construction
It’s not unlike a blood pact, your DNA’s been swallowed
You’re a part of the family now, you’ve entered a contract
And I got flags honey, I can reach into my bag
Throw you flag after flag after flag
But you can’t put it to a binary, but it’s all familiar
He’s staring you down behind the house red
Split the bill, as long as you pay for the starters
You let a smidgen of trauma slip the tongue
“You’re family’s trash?” He say “Well you’re ours now”
Clear your books, introduce you to his accountants son
You’re the daughter they never had, an asset
Killed you with kindness, decisions now come with considerations
Not just he, but he mam, he dad, he dad’s co-worker
There’s no lock and key, but your fate is sealed

I wanna tell you that, but I’ll tell you in verse
Cos coming out with it does nothing to help
It implies motives that are non-existent
My heart’s taken, my libido’s not a factor
But where would that leave you even after I drop the first flag?
I tell you what I’ll do, I’ll phase it out
Not over hours, but over generations
I’ll write the hypothetical, inspire an idea
I won’t even hand you the saw, you won’t need it
My bars and rhymes will kick your mind
It’ll go feral, you’ll bite the chains of the cuffs
It’ll come to you, snap, like instinct
You’ll go coyote; savage, beaming, powerful
That’s some scribe to enrich the soul
It’s not about me, it’s about how me
How me, can take me, and make the masses see
A tendril up there back, a gag entering their gobs
Take back the timeline they tried to rob
So if I walk into a murder scene come next week
Blood on the wall, claw marks on the door
And a free woman, a free man, centres in the battle field
Then whether I succeed, crash or fail, fuck it, it was worth it

Sebastian Noël

Sex Posexclusitive

From a glitter soap box, proudly proclaimed
“Sensual liberation for everyone,
All peoples deserves to feel desired and loved”
Artemis said to Diana
From the start the rosters looking one note
Goddesses, Champions and Prodigies
One frame, One colour
‘All peoples’ according to their social circles

Community is a currency
Your support is sparse, less it loses value
Each comment particular, purposeful
What do I get back? How do I get in?
Beauty next to beauty gets more beautiful
My crooked nose next to beauty gets the boot
No suit, No 40 quid barber cut
No Garibaldi, No Sale, No value
Like a Reliant Robin turning up to NASCAR
Throw a sun dyed figure from your collection
Keep the gene pool untainted
It’s an illuminati, fortnightly down my local

“Beauty for the beautiful
Sex for the sexy
Our arms are open to everyone
To deliver love for everyone”

Yeah, you’re allright mate
The manifesto comes of as hollow
Like a Robin Hood stealing from the poor
Then pretending to act like the rich
“Ah” you say “That can’t include me,
I take Erythromycin and use a crutch to leave the house”
Look in the mirror and get some perspective
You fucking Hepburn Monroe idget

They say don’t pay attention to the numbers
As they pray you pay attention to the numbers
300 little love notes passed in class
On your routine bath selfie
A lot of literature to get through
Too busy to aid the needy
“Please ma’am can I have some?” she says
Some acknowledgement for the ugly
For the 9 likes break out skin and pug nose
May as well be whistling through your gappy teeth
“Awwwh babe…” Copy and paste
Out of sight, out of mind, job done
Can still put “open and accepting” on the CV
But you can’t deny those numbers
The contrast is like a fissure
But that’s probs why you keep us around

– Sebastian Noël

From the “Ugly” series

Meoph surcreh tona

The moon’s leaving bags in the night sky
As it descends at an alarming rate
While we walk to a haven, here on London’s backside
Sponsored by Prosecco and post sell-by date Rosé
Hosted by late naughties sketch comedy
I think it may of been another night at the take out for you
Picking me out like ordering a number 58 with extra sauce
But I don’t think you knew what you were doing that night
You were turning stone back into flesh
Returning excitement back to it’s rightful place

Cos I’ve been stuck in the pits for a year
It’s tough to dismiss the wounds as scratches
But a year’s a long time to collect dust and moss
Your limbs and joints bound by the narrative it creates

But trapped in the surgeons chair, you get used to the idea
Of being a spectator to love’s sweet rose garden
The little coffee dates, the negotiations in the park
The walls coming crashing down after glass 3
It’s a ritual of another design, another dimension
You can only smirk through a smile as your skin decays
The pebbles fall from your marble skin
If I was permitted for romance, it wasn’t for today

But what should arrive on an unassuming afternoon?
With grace powerful enough to make renaissance portraits blush
And the charm to talk a bullet back into it’s chamber
You could hear the Velcro damn near tear as she pulled me from the wall
With a smile that can alter paradigms
All while finding the time to subvert Medusa’s gaze
She brings me back to the 3rd Dimension
Reviving my pigments back from the earth
I never meant to make you entertain any doubt darling
It’s just elation’s a hard suit to get comfortable in again
I lack the talent to produce the stanza’s to let you know
How it felt to see you bide your time through my stillness
I was in there for sure and you came upon me eventually
I just hope the toffee lives up to the chocolate that preceded it

Sebastian Noël

Who’s Really On The Side?

His mind’s slowly escaping his grasp
As he’s trying keep his feet planted in reality
And give the Sunday roast his full attention
Masquerading the neighbours new car as interesting conversation
But it’s no use, his short term memory is relentless
He’s staring at his wife’s face but nobodies home
It all ends up becoming flashback
To 2 night’s ago in a grotty hotel in Hull
Just him and an ethical side bea
She’s whispering clairvoyance in his ears
And it’s not long before the results are in
The predictions start to parallel our time line
As her lips leave a trail down his stomach
While his wrists turn blue from the discount restraints
Her eyes peek from above the belt line
As the leash drags him back… Into the present that is
Cos it’s time to pick up his daughter from tennis club
He kisses his wife with absent conviction
All while he pretends to be excited for tonight
When he’ll meet back with her in the bedroom

She notices the mark on his neck
She notices the burns on his wrist
She notices the lipstick on his chest
She notices the perfume on his musk
It’s not like her schedules barren
It’s not like her sides have fled for winter
It’s not like her secondaries fall short
It’s not like she’s tasting the backside of a veto
Her loins turn blue
As her face goes red
She hums a forced gleeful tune
As her hubby goes out the door

A werewolf in Sylvanian families
A hurricane in full house
It’s not my job to give a fuck
Your name’s on the contract
And I’m out to get mine
A 150 hotel roam doesn’t scream apprehension
Shred your plastic guilt
You want nothing else
Now apply your restraints
Let me veto your right to abstain
I know you can’t stop thinking bout me
I’m the trauma to your PTSD
I’m creepin’ when the mundane thrives
Tax returns with the wife, I’m there
Visiting the parents, I’m there
Arguing about being late, I’m there
Sitting through your kids recital, I’m there
Checking texts on the train, I’m there
Candle lit Tesco’s finest, I’m there
The car ride to Great Yarmouth, I’m there
Bills come in the post, I’m there
Looking forward to getting out the house, I’m there
Dreading having to vacate the hotel room, Cos I’m there
You can’t escape me, I’m always there

Sebastian Noël

Intended to be preformed by a trio

Proud Spastic (W.I.P)

An interaction goes fine, proceeding streamline
But uh oh something’s amiss
I spoke too tactless, pronounced my ‘um’ too harsh
Place a ‘come on’ where it shouldn’t go
That’s all it takes for young minds to rage
For the olive to transform to a thorny rose
On the surface your fine, hey your just defending yo’ self
But better should’ve known then to talk to a retard right?
Well like your crocodile smile, the output don’t align
With the intention of inside being sublime
If you hear me out, I just wanna help man
But that’s an ear too much for ‘one of us’ I guess

Diagnosis on the rise, we’re gonna take over in our prime
It’s an epidemic in the USA, we’ll have to start to carry in time
Carry empathy, an extra beat, a shift in social attitudes
It’s a fucking PC nightmare I tell ya dude!
It’s in the food, it’s on the television
It’s in the water, it’s in the vaccines
Cut the vax, let the little Christian child shiver in his bed
Cos his mumma would rather he die then become one of us
Nah your right, bring back the penalty just for us
Missing the cue from that joke: Get the chair
Wall flowering at the party: Get the injection
Truly death is our only salvation

Oh it’s a slasher fic in my room
You guessed it, another NT gettin’ tetchy
Oh god the spastics out, proper blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
Well I ain’t gonna shy from no blah’s
I’m spastic plain and simple
And I won’t curb my tongue when I’m excited
I won’t sit still and bind in the corner
I repeat jokes, I spit when I pronounce my P’s
I miss the punchline, I misinterpret the word
I mistake being condescending for agency
I trip over my big-ass tongue every sentence
But if that’s your do or die, what’s that say about you?
Sorry I bring discord to your community
Sorry I put a kink in your perfect victim complex
Sorry I was born, and I promise I’m sorry I exist
But neither me nor any of us are going anywhere
But man you love us on the job right?
“You lot are good with computers right?”
“He comes in everyday and doesn’t complain”
Oh yeah THEN you can’t get enough of us, don’t need no cure
But when your one to one at the end of a coffee mug
And you realize you have to suppress the freedom on your tongue
Then it all goes out of the window don’t it?

Another scar on the arm, but no skin off my nose
I take my technicolour mind, and inspire on someone else’s time
I’ll create on someone else’s time
I’ll advise on someone else’s time
You can talk down to me on someone else’s time
Talk about me like an animal on someone else’s time
Like when the plastic activist raises a brow
“Is this spastic talking back to me?”
Like when masculinity erodes in my hands
“Is this spastic squaring up to me?”
Yeah this spastic make’s a point too
He’s got more to him then a stagnant shot straight mind
Shock! He knows the facts you need too
Shock! He can understand the opinion of others
Shock! He can socialize, hell even start a conversation
Shock! He can bring the charm if he chooses too
Out done by ‘one of them’, yeah you bet
I’ll forget more then you’ll ever know
My comment lands harder then your entire routine
I draw in, in the time it takes you to repeal
And you bet when I hit the sheets, it’s fucking Armageddon
While they Bambi to the phone to call in sick for work
They ask me how on earth I do me?
You know, I know, everyone should already know
It’s the same reason I cast the comments and scream it loud:
I’m a proud spastic!

Sebastian Noël

No Ambition Blues

I’m an A student running on D fuel
You put that together and you get a C life
And that was a fine way to live for me
I definitely never asked for the greenlight to ascend
But with your eyes drenched in tears
And your hands tied by a freshers wristband
You’re not letting me have a choice in the matter
Progress or perish, the narrative my Dear John contains

Nirvana is what we make of it, so what if mine’s on the ground floor?
With the ice cold burgers from the local caff’
Decor as gloomy as the staff, as miserable as the weather
You’d look up at me from your mouldy egg sandwich
Playing D.I.Y Pictionary with a few napkins and my Biro
But still ‘Gone With The Wind’ is out of my artistic scope
You fight through the aesthetics and conjure a smile
That’s when I theorised that we could withstand any pressure

But you’re content to get other people involved
“You could do so much good for the world”
But I don’t want to do the world any fucking good
I just want to do you some good
Evaporate the floods from your vision
Flow life back into your tired face
Fill a silent living room with your laughter
Calm you down when the family sends an opinion
That’s all the good I wanna do
Thoese are the accomplishments I hang on the fire place
Don’t send me off on a Hercules errand
I have no will to harness what I’ve got to offer
You’re where the ambition starts and ends
So let me sink the flag pole with you and a call it a life

Sebastian Noël

The Contrast // The Fairy Tale

I’m in the wild, I’ve been seen, I’ve been admired
But it’s not enough to patch up this folding heart
Like a leopard behind the glass at the zoo
The eyes pry with no intention of crossing the panes
The smiles, the joy, the inspiration
But still in a solitary context

Boys and girls like avatars of deities
Appearing in forms mortals can hardly believe
Beautiful people as far as the eye can see
It’s enough to make a guy suicide-y

I wanna break the dividers with my bare hands
I wanna ask you every little thing
What things make up you?
What things make you so beautiful?
I want that feeling of being so hooked
Without the reality of the scope of what divides us
Every thought of the day being consumed
I’ll donate a few of the night too
Even if the road leads to a dead end
The way my heart flutters on the way defines
I just want someone to take this energy away
I just want a reason to stay alive

Boys and girls like subjects of mythology
Appearing in ways to shape our destinies
Beautiful people as far as the eye can see
It’s enough to make a guy suicide-y

I know that when night’s cloak covers this town
That’s when dividers break down
And we all revert back to animals
But the angels behind the glass from the daylight
Are nowhere to be seen, returning to the staircase above
Nothing so pure could make it as a creature of the night
We can only ever meet at arms reach away
Never to speak, never to see
If you could deliver to me ecstasy
There’s no hope for me, that definitely makes a guy suicide-y

Lnc0

A part of the ‘4 Nights Of Hell’ series