I Got It

I think I got it
At 14 zoning out on the knoll
Thinking about how there’s no magic coming
My bodies on a set course from now to oblivion
No magic spell to cross the binary is coming
And nothing made me more sad then that

I think I got it
I never would’ve assumed so
I suppose I was unhappy with myself
Until my body started resembling an unwelcome guest
Maybe I just never gave it much thought
I let people paint and put a name on it
When they craved hair like an indicator
Not talking about the mop on their head
Talking about the hair that solidifies chromosomes
“I know you hate it but why would that matter?”
Yeah I really let them have their way
Threw away my ‘me’ and let the wolves fight it out
No reason to complain right? I had it good
Different girl on my mattress every month, good right?
Getting the clout of my peers, it’s good right?
Sex, fame and a living wage, that’s good right?
Knocking back 12 shots just to cope, that’s good right?
Crying in the mirror, that’s the good shit right?
Screaming for help but no one listening, that’s good right?
Saving none of your love for yourself, that’s the good shit yeah?
I had what they wanted, it never looked like suffering
So no one ever lent a hand, just let it all slide
Why’s that? I know why’s that
That’s why I think I got it

Yeah I got it
But I thought soon after does it matter?
Yeah I got it
Can’t everything I wanted to be, can’t it be done as me?
Yeah I got it
It matters plenty it turns out
Yeah I got it
Every time they only saw what they wanted
Yeah I got it
When they saw a monster in their spaces
Yeah I got it
No, when they saw a monster in MY spaces
Yeah I got it
They ask me to take on my guilt
Yeah I got it
No, they ask me to take on another’s guilt

Yeah I got it
When I tell them I’m not of their number
But they don’t care, they got a bone to pick
Man man man, they gotta throw down hands
They know a man when they see one
And it makes me feel like shit cos I got it
Cos nothing makes me more ill
Cos it makes me wanna tear my skin off
Rip my organs out and rearrange them
In a way where they’ll start to see me
Do I wanna? No, but it’s like I gotta
Cos I got it, but they have to see I got it
I got the scars but, nah I ain’t got it
Somedays I feel like one way, so I don’t got it

Fuck you, I got it
I always liked it when the praise was contradictory
Yeah I got it
“I wish I had your eyelashes, your nails grow so quick”
Yeah I got it
Skin softer then satin, lips swollen like allergies
Yeah I got it
The hair on my head: My greatest asset

The things that get me jealous
The freedom of that beauty
The attention demanded en masse
And the pit of knowing it’ll never be mine
Fuck what your eyes see: I got it
Just cos I didn’t express it in a one piece dress
Cos I’m on that dungrees or Parka and leggings ting
Doesn’t mean I don’t got it
Fuck what your eyes see; I belong here
We share the same energy: Get over it
Someone that looks like me has got it
Yeah I got it

Sebastian Noël

Not U

Don’t call me that, call me that, call me that, call me that
I’m nothing like that
More evident when you insist I am
Evidence exclusive from your insistence
“You’re one of us, expect your this
And this, and this, and this, and this…”
Every stipulation so you don’t gotta say I am
Cos if I am then you are too and anything but that

But fine I never felt like you at all
I never felt it at all
Ever since 14 staring into space
Fantasising body swapping with another kind
The things I’d do, the things I’d say
I could be loved, man it’d be cool
But no animosity, cos I was always happy to come back
If only I could on the fly, if only it was real

But I had to be one, I had to be like them
Hate like them, abuse like them
Take like them, them like them
Who them? Either one: They them
Cos them only care about what they think is there
So if you listen with your eyes
And never see with your ears
Then. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

Sebastian Noël