Fruitless Decisions

Turns out the centre-left is why our one chance of hope is gone
I’m not sure what the fuck any of us were even supposed to do?
Now it’s 2020 and we’re stuck inside waiting to die
But it’s over 20 today, so what do you wanna do today honey?

Just a day of fruitless decisions
Lovey, dovey pointless decisions
Write your book and finish that project? Nah man
My legacy is the diary entries with you
Every cookie crunched, or desert experiment shared
Time gliding through us, nestled on the settee
Slowly arch over you as I kiss up your neck
Slowly arch over you in a more deprived way
Slump down from exhaustion for the night
The cat screaming for us to get up the next morning
Dragging my palms up and down your body
Gazing down at you as the sunrise assaults my back
This really is the only thing that ever mattered
All the fighting I ever done was for my right to feel this

Whether they find us in our cottage aged 70
Or left hand in hand in an NHS corridor tomorrow
I want everyone to know we’re all deserving of it
To be heard so eloquently, to be held so soft
We’ve the right to feel 10 feet tall
Or even to feel enveloped and small
To be gazed with both sincere adoration
And to be sexualised with untamed lust
To grasp their unfeasible beauty in your hands
And know they see you completely

Tricked by heterosexuals for 25 long years
That love was to fight for your agency
With a straight person your whole damn life
But if my time’s up I just want to let everyone know
You don’t gotta be on guard the entire time
I peaced out knowing, for a little while I was finally known

That’s gotta account for something.

Sebastian Noël

Lied Too – Part 2 (Love Song #561)

I suspect fiction, a diabolical coup by Asmodeus
To strike me with a bitter doses of nostalgia in my psyche
At the worse time imaginable to debilitate me
Exams creep closer, as I’m drowning in the cognitive sea
Hoping to entice me back into his ranks
By reminding me out good that first hit felt
But why is it we allow that poison into our bodies?
Cos I wanna feel like a new day in a past life is a possibility
Like that final season, always promised but sadly absent
Whatever, I’ll let my dreams bring her back to my doorstep

And when you see me, you won’t see me once again
But see me for the first ever time, see the real me
What is it you’ll see? Will you see something of beauty
Will you be happy to finally meet this me?
Will you have trouble adjusting to this ‘they’ as me?
Or will you not be too fussed, cos deep down you knew
That this is always where it was leading, since our first due,
When you caught me outside Williams, was this what you’d seen?
And more importantly if you liked what you see,
Would it possibly encourage you to cross the binary?

Even without my reckless whisper echoing in your ear
Will you grab a bite of ambition and abandon all you hold deer?
To where the best in you field currently go to grow
Cos it just so happens to be the same place, where I’m a stone’s throw
Maybe I could introduce to a few of your peers?
All it takes is a 3 course meal of swallowing your fears

And that’s when against all the odds, you step foot into my land
With a year lease and an acceptance letter for Trent in hand
You tell me it’s a cause to celebrate, yeah to say the least
We get ready for a night’s tour, ending in Jerusalem to the east
You and I even get the chance to trade jewellery for the night
By the time we’re ready it’s an unfathomable sight
A million years away from the timid thing from the middle of Essex
Now the kind of woman that’s an example of humanity at it’s apex

Wouldn’t it be cruel if the epitome of my dreams were fiction?
As you claw your way back into my mind with perfect diction
We’re late back to mine, meaning it’s too late, I’m patient zero
My life and future’s all in your hands, as I lay sweating on my pillow
Oh bacteriophage never looked so exquisite
With a custom painted leather jacket and cherry black lipstick
And when you undid the choke hold your shorts had on your perfect arse
It suddenly occurs me this past decade’s been a bit of a farce
Now matter how hard I prayed, No matter how I tired to distract
Well I don’t think it’s possible to possess any amount of tact
To admit there’s no company, from yesterday to way back
That lasted an evening, or were a several year long pact
That compared to even a few seconds passing by you in the halls
So when you consider our few years, it’s no contest at all

Oh it feels like chewing earwax to drop something that huge
I feel like I’ve aged 50 years and become Mr. Scrooge
But how can I deny it now I’ve been let back into your company
You slink around every inch of my body, with immediate familiarity
What have I now got to worry about? Now I’m back home in your thighs
Recalling the faintest feeling of hope, during this cataclysmic high
It brings tears to my eyes, blurring my sight, draining me of any fight
The stuttering the sighs, digging in your nails as you grip me tight
Sinking teeth into the jugular to cure your appetite
A screeching frequency, sure to reach the satellite
My conscious is fading with a rising Fahrenheit
I can’t recall my name, let alone recall a rhyme
I can’t recall my past, I refuse to acknowledge any future
Any life to live outside this moment is the start of devastation
My home for a self-inflicted stasis, to stay here until starvation
With your inner thighs covering my hearing
Sounds for little moans most endearing
I’m a goner, no calling for help, I’m tongue tied
The end is neigh, I’ve found my perfect place to die…

Oh but wouldn’t it be so cruel, if at the peak of my elation
It turns out it was just another work of cognitive fi-

Sebastian Noël

Featured

Love Song #562

It says a lot about the weight I’ve had to carry
That I’ve only just had the time to idle long enough to remember
It’s been a whole month since we last were a part of each others lives
I’m not surprised to find I’ve been left on read this whole time since then
It’s our insignia to leave something like this so open ended
I guess you saw this like a pit stop less a reunion
Two satellites converging on their trajectory for a weekend
Before going their separate ways until the next time fate gravitates them
I’m not gonna act like I’m shocked by it at all
But I’m not gonna act like it didn’t sting a little bit either

To think of the sincerity of what you told me that night
With the kind of grin that comes from exploring a new life in your palms
But with the familiarity of slipping back onto an old coat
To think your happy to just walk away from all that
Cos for you it was just another night
Thinking about it gets me misty eyed if I’m being honest with you

But I am a satellite first and foremost
And my destiny doesn’t lie with waiting on your trail
Cos when I returned to my soil it was instantaneous
The cries of my brothers, sisters and siblings
The ones who share all the corners of my make-up
Were all I could hear even behind my headphones
I didn’t even get a chance to take off my boots
But already I got an obligation to my people

Cos they’re trying to survive under the crosshairs of society
Each and every star in my city struggling to burn brightly
Anyway I can help guide their way, that’s the reason I’m still on this rock
To share this pain and bring them all with me as I raise higher
Cos if I’m doomed to wait for heaven on earth
Then I reckon this isn’t a bad use of my precious time

Still, I think about how you won’t join me and my breathing gets heavier
The callous ways of the cisgendered will be a mystery to me I suppose
But I’m grateful I got to lie with you for one more night again
It gave me a reminder of what love is supposed to look like:

The ease of it, the flowing dialogue, the little moments of contact
An DIY chicken sandwich lunch, letting the time get away from us
The passionate rants 3 glasses of Preseco in
Pound store Christmas lights illuminating the room
As you enthusiastically get reacquainted with the nuances of my body
Only to get flustered at the puzzle of my belt buckle
No vague mysteries or foggy clues: You just want me.
And that’s the most wanted I’ve ever felt in a decade my friend

So now I’m back in my local with the next romance in the queue
When he tries to sell me a tertiary association
As a romance of the same calibre
I’ll remember our night during January 2019
And I’ll see past the contexts and the politics
And remember love doesn’t have to feel this empty

I Don’t (Self) Care

Everytime I have the gall to feel dissatisfaction
At the cataclysmic pass rate I’ve achieved
That familiar little advice pops into my inbox
The one that implies little confidence is elixir
That unlocks all your widest dreams and reels them in
And makes all forms of loneliness redundant
Of course there’s a little summant in that
But I’ve been stargazing over the past few nights, and I wonder…

Is it so bad that It gets a little exhausting at times?
I know, lift your head high and all that
Take it from me: I’ve mastered the art
Of a love so selfish; Narcissus would blush
But it’s still a blow to your entire life
When your baby grimaces at your whole being

Cos it’s not the isolation that stings
That’s a wound well and truly self-inflicted
I’m not broken up about breaking up either
It’s the idea I’ve gone diving with the sharks again
And for the all the gashes and cuts, I’ve come up cheap
First Gold, then pounds and now merely pennies

It’s that feeling that years of love won’t protect you
From your special one treating you like chewing gum
Just something to be spat out, when the flavours unfamiliar
They’ll listen to enough whispers in the grapevine
Start to see your low maintenance in incredible highs
Start to tickle your guilt: For the unforgivable sin of being

No matter how intense our love had been
No matter the years of memories and affection we’ve built
It can all come undone in a matter of minutes
Cos my autisticness starts to become noticeable
Cos after a bad day, my disorders are too intense
“Why can’t you perform these ultimately inconsequential
Social acts exactly the same as everyone else?”
That’s an easy one: Cos no one’s cared before you honey

That’s the part that really starts to sting
Where a soap opera really turns into a tragedy
You can make yourself better if you’re an arsehole
You can spruce yourself up if you’ve gotten in a rut
But how does one feasibly address a review like that?
Time and time again romance only serves to prove
You’re only good for a temporary pit stop
A source of thrill and spills, before it’s back to work
Cos no one like you is forever

So my god, how I got self love in abundance
I got time for a staring contest with my reflection
But the fact I gotta reserve so much love from myself
Cos there’s no chance I’m getting any from my lovers
I daydream of the day that love comes with no drama
With someone who doesn’t wince at my neurology

Is it really an exercise in the art of surrender
To admit it leaves you tired every now and then?
Leaves you feeling an extra stone or two?
And after the fact, the idea of swimming for the social climate
Just to find another lover who leaves with a gag
After their vision starts to focus on who you really are?
Oh it just leaves me feeling a little tired is all
Makes me wanna take the summer off
And catch up on all the sleep I’ve missed out on
But of course that just delays the issue
So tell me how hard do I have to love myself?
Until someone sees that summant in me that I see
And how many people do I have to let down before I get there?

Sebastian Noël

HypoFantasy

Oh my beautiful hypothetical fantasy
You do the unthinkable to me
You check in on me when I’m feeling blue
A fucking fantasy in 2018

I think of my beautiful hypothetical
They plan a fun little day out for me
On the anniversary of my mother’s dip into the Nether
Sounds so reasonable, but it’s still a fantasy in 2018

The idea that we can defeat our own apathy
Just feels like a pipe dream, never to be true
You feel you give so much, then you realise
You’re a hypocrite, cos you’ve given nothing too

Oh my sweet hypothetical, we’re too far gone
Too combat callousness and ascend
To bring out our best version, the final edition
And become high beings, amongst mortal men

Instead I’m tied to the hyper reality
Where compasion is dead, and we’re stuck in the muck
We’re lucky to coexist in one piece
Just moving, gassing and then sometimes fuck

Oh my beautiful hypothetical fantasy
You’re all the things, we really oughta be
You don’t care for clout, gender, sex, bodies or minds
That’s how I know you’re of a kind, I won’t live to see
Such an empathetic soul born of this society?
I can safely say it’s never gonna be…

Sebastian Noël

Monster

I just wanted this to go like a theme park film roll
Snapshots of red cheeks, red berry slush in hand, golden rays dropping down
But then I had to go try putting you on the throne
Treating you like you got my six, not like the number 66, heading up Highwoods
For a picnic and walk under the canopies, oh please caress me under the trees
Take me for a meal, have me like mac and cheese, in front of the bees
Oh yes that’s how it were meant to be, but I started to think you my destiny
Oh that didn’t go down very well you see

Like cramming a cylinder in a square pocket
It started going wrong immediately
What do you mean you don’t fit in someone else shoes?
You mean to say not anyone can slide in comfortably?
Especially when your more Buttercup then Blossom
And your a stranger in Ballamory, but a local in Gotham

If only it stops right there
The reactive squirm after your nostrils hit that curdled milk
But when you tend to an open wound with another round of booze
I suddenly start to feel like I’m sharing the room with a Dybbuk

1 year, 2 year, 5 years isn’t enough apparently
To stop suspecting I’m on a receiving end of a coup
The moment you stop acting like a mirror I get suspect
“You’ll never trust anyone” you cried, and love, you might be right

I’ve role-played this night a million times
But I always play impostor with my feminine side
I think it could result in my Christabell
With an image of a poor young thing stuck in hell
I thought it might garner me some sympathy
Maybe people would start listening to me
Instead their disgust triggers my mania
All thanks to this cursed genitalia

But I’m seeing that I don’t deserve it, to be fair
Now when I’m on the receiving end of a terrified stare
Hand clutched to my phone, finding anyway to not be here any longer
I dunno how I’m looking to you guys, but to her I’m a clear monster
I’ve treated standing my ground like dropping an atom bomb
When a simple enquiry would’ve gotten the job done

Now it’s a matter of time till your gone
Till you’ve found a laid back yokel in Beeston
And when it’s 2024 and I’m down the community hall
With my new flame, who can take care of me no matter the fall
I’ll be pining for the low stake weekend away
Wild nights in the hostel restroom, by the end of the day
And when we stumble in two hours late for the poetry due
What’s the bet I’ll start getting them to wear your old shoes?

Sebastian Noël

Shout out to the side beas

There’s a hole in my soul
There’s a hollow in my passenger seat
My future set in muck
Does that make it all in vain?

You mean the times cruising up the country
With my lady speeding toward the sunset
Cos our knack for being late is impeccable
The way we scour the place top to bottom
The way we share a wine in a hidden slice of heaven
The way she shakes my soul with the hips Eros blessed her with
All in vain was it?
Oh fuck off

This thing we got going here is perfect
And it’s a thing people never think to perfect
They say it’s just the puppy love you feel on the way
To be discarded when the gold hits the finger
God bless Polyamory for providing another way
To keep that energy alive in it’s own right
“But after a while surely you gotta….”
My guy, we ain’t gotta do a damn thing

The nesting thing? Yeah that’s for someone else
But I can hear them chiming in now
“Oh that’s good till you find…”
Find who? I got a future built for two
Any endgame without her is not one worth reaching
Who’s the governing body for relationships anyway?
Do you get yours verified? I never knew you had too
But I got the backing of: Me, Myself and I. So I’ll be fine

Cos it’s nearly been two rotations around the sun
But she dominates my thoughts like a schoolyard crush
Comes into my daydreams like she’s entitled to it
Keeps me paralysed from her perfect ass to perfect mind
But that’s from the Patriarchal point of view
Cos I know how it really is
I’m her summer break, her holiday home in Yarmouth
And I thank god everyday she occupies my time
It’s something they never rate on the silver screen
Domestic bliss isn’t the end of the voyage
People like us want it all; we’re greedy with pride
But I expected a coffee with my Sunday roast
But I got the whole damn parfait, so hold off on the meat
I need a lifetime or two to get to grips with her

So shout outs to my fellow side beas
And the time frames that we make ecstatic
They’re the milestones of my life
It’s so good it’s got the bystanders jealous
They’re trying to throw every Monogamous lore they can at us
But when you’re holding me for ransom on platform 4
While waiting on that midnight train back home
Who can blame ‘em?

Sebastian Noël

FP

You’re
sick of hearing about it
I’m sick of thinking about it
Like a prefix, a disclaimer
Painting a context over everything
Everything I say, think or feel
Getting nostalgic doesn’t even feel good no more

I just
remember the plan; buzzwords spiking my drink
Being treated like an asset, an elixir, a cure
Like your pleasure, isn’t my pain
Like your familiar, isn’t my nightmare
So when people politely suggest to me, like Eureka
As if they’ve clocked on why the raven’s like the writing desk
That I just forget them, take my mind off ‘em, quick snap
Jesus Christ, as I jump out of my chair, Einstein walks among us!
But common sense and logic doesn’t have a stake in this conundrum
People gotta think I’m nursing a cocktail as the sun goes down
Time travelling to 2010 with comforting sigh
As if it’s welcome, as if it’s not involuntary
As if it doesn’t intrude at the worst of times
Times when I should be basking in the wealth of the present
But it’s logical too me, like I left a part of me behind
I’m shivering, the draft’s going through a hole in my soul
It’s that estrangement feeling, like a kid yearning for its parents
It’s that logical, that ingrained, it’s an auto-pilot feeling
When I’m back in control of course I steer away
It’s why I fear the idle thoughts like the bogeyman
Cos do you think I’d feel any better if that void got filled?
I didn’t forget the toxic shit that used to be there
The way it’d twist my mind, it’d leave my feelings behind
The way it made me feel ugly, the way it turned me into a freak
Filled to the brim the prose they used to whisper in my ear
Like “I regret dating a spastic like you”, straight out of
Shakespeare

I know
you’re sick of hearing it
I know you’re sick of them coming back like a bad sequel
I’m sick of it, sicker than I’ve ever been
So please just set aside a little prayer for me about it
Cos I wanna stop thinking about it too
But I can’t escape my favourite of all time
Cos when the anniversary creek’s it ugly head
On the 29th of the year’s tail end
I start thinking about my favourite person
But thinking about ’em’s my least favourite thing

Sebastian Noël

Honest Lovesong

You’re an apex of affection in someone’s life
Don’t that mess you up?
Someone mirrors your gaze of an unrelenting infatuation
Doesn’t that proper fuck you up?

I know over time it’s gotta grate
How I take an off cuff I love you
Not a face value, but begrudgingly
Like a Evangelist at a Prehistoric museum
But I wish I could convey it correctly to you
How absurd it is your here with me tonight

I know you mean well, I know your heart swells
But when you put my name at the end of your love
It feels like I’ve jumped in from another timeline
A history free from my glowing failures
You say my name but you gotta mean someone else
It only makes sense if your seeing anyone else

It should go without uttering a single syllable
That I adore you even on a molecular level
Like ivy climbing up a historical abode
I’m a intrusive element feeding on another beauty
So when you tell me the ways I bring a smile
It feels like hieroglyphics on a birthday card
It feels like mercury spreading on my skin
It doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t feel right
I fucking hate how this feels
Please I just need to be left alone tonight

Oh of course I love you too
But you’re treating poison like porcelain

Sebastian Noël

Good Attention

You taught me the value of good attention

It wasn’t long into a muggy Friday morning
That I could feel each individual cell of my makeup
Being analysed to their very atoms
With the same curiosity a infant gives it’s surroundings
Diagrams and graphs in your mind
As you burn holes into my sides
Like a figure in a collectors shelf
I surrender my life as a mere visual for a moment

It’s something I’ve needed for months now
Kisses and caresses with just a look
It engulfs the creases of my stomach
The stretches on my sides, the hairs on my back
You just say; “keep doing what your doing”
All you wanna do is give good attention
It pushes the blood in my veins
It places a good personality in the cockpit
It contradicts the paranoia
That gaze refutes a million doubts in one swoop

Declarations can be overwritten, promises can be broken
But there’s no refuting the value of good attention
And when the weight of observation becomes too heavy
You cradle your head upon my lap

Sebastian Noël