Paranoid Patty: Jig Is Up (Draft)

The jig is up, the jacket’s off,
The sigh, cause and effect.
Ask me all you want, you know I’d never answer honestly.
Cos yes, maybe it was what you said that made me do it.
And if you see them, maybe it’s the only way to talk,
The only way you’ll listen without interrupting,
When I try improvising a verse together.
Cos I’ve never tried to speak about this before.

Something’s happening molecularly;
An absolute dissolution of my entire being.
People are closer then ever before,
But when they are, they don’t smile like before.
It used to give me a sense of purpose,
To give people the means to smile.
But people started to ask what I wanted too,
Now I’m at a loss for words.

Maybe what I want; you can’t give.
The fulfilment, the direction,
Something to put on my tombstone.
The support, the first response,
When the mind turns on itself.
The control, the peace,
As I learn to maintain myself.
It’s not fair to expect that from you.

He asked “then what can I give you?”
And it felt like a few seconds extended to hours.
I just nestled into his arm, as we lay on the settee,
Put my feet back in the blankets, as his cat lays on my lap.
Then it dawns on me the answer is: “Nothing.”
You’re just a spectator in the event called: Me.
You can’t be my hero, my mediator, you’re sort off; nothing.
Of course it doesn’t feel good to say that,
Plus I couldn’t even say no one else could be those things for me.
It really just… Depends

But for now, if you’ve a roof to cover me,
And there’s still a heart to occupy,
With a shit take away to fill our bellies
Maybe for now, that’s enough.

Sebastian Noël

As Three (If Only)

Wedding bells, wooden cribs
Holding hands as indie singles turn vintage
A sure shot if the soul didn’t prevail
But a noise roared from the inside
And the silence becomes deafening
It must’ve agonising to recognise it
As momentum comes to a snails crawl
But do you remember who gave my heart language?
She was 20 years just like us

You had to have noticed off the bat
When a sadness ever present before
Begins to make itself absent
Around the time she crept into conversation
Then when we started to gather together
It was closest I’ve gotten to drinking from heavens canals
Your optimism complimented her cynicism perfectly
You tried to pick up her frown at the kids park
But nothing we did could stop what was hurting her
We were exactly what was hurting her
Her condolence and passive words weren’t without motive
And it’s not like I weren’t reciprocating

Oh baby can you ever forgive me?
For treating you both with equal agency?
I don’t mean to belittle our legacy
But with just one of you something feels empty
It’s such a tough thing to describe
I wanna give you every second of my time
But she’s keeps intruding into my mind
The casual perfection of her eyes
Her jeans barely containing her thighs
Ignoring the guilt that gives rise

Oh god I adore you so much, how could I?
I’m in love again and it’s a terrible thing
It was supposed to be so pristine, so secure
But I can’t stand us when she’s not there
I want her there was we lay in the living room
Commenting with spite of trash reality TV
Then when the time settles on the night
She’d be resting on my shoulder
And you’d nuzzle on my right
I’d kiss you on the lips
While I run my fingers through her hair
I’d work my way down to biting your neck
Before running my tongue down her breasts
Helping each other get undressed
We’d collapse in the aftermath on our king size
All lose consciousness hand in hand under the sheets
And regain it in the morning the same way
I want to kiss you goodbye for work
And kiss her good morning in the kitchen
I didn’t want to betray you, I didn’t want to destroy you
No one was meant to get hurt
It was meant to be so good, it was gonna be so good
This wasn’t meant to happen

Sebastian Noël

Niche

Another list of things to keep you quiet
Another horde to make your day subpar
I need to skirt around the sinking masts
Courtesy of a beverage named for a faded patriot

The snarl to keep some distance draws you nearer
No one leaves a scar unless they’ve truly earned it
In a sea of lambs it makes a nice change of pace
“Hey darling what’s your name” the message in my Stella
I spose the scowl can vacate to answer that
Just another kid ready for a scrap or two
It leaves a sour taste in your peers mouth
That malice can’t be passed unchallenged
But it brings intrigue to your eye
As bratty as a mutt, as loyal as a dog

I’m all the things you need, ain’t that obvious!?
…No, not really
Can’t you tell from the spit on my sleeves
Where they spat me back out from the taster?
A niche, in a niche, in a niche, in a niche
It’s a miracle your gaze got trapped for this long
I’m a believer, but I’m hardly resurrected
Revive the ego and I’ll make your dreams come true

What’s got you so surprised?
Your faith in other people is disgusting
Haven’t they treated you the way they treated me?
How can you think they’d see what you see?
Your hearts split between your eyes
Your soul hasn’t shrivelled up and died
You can sieve through the perceived lie
You know that words are pointless and speak with your thighs

I’ll give your sweat glands a run for their money
Leave your nerve endings black and blue
I’ll connect leather and flesh
In any context you desire
It’s the reward you deserve
When you pick the mutt from the wolves

Sebastian Noël

Meoph surcreh tona

The moon’s leaving bags in the night sky
As it descends at an alarming rate
While we walk to a haven, here on London’s backside
Sponsored by Prosecco and post sell-by date Rosé
Hosted by late naughties sketch comedy
I think it may of been another night at the take out for you
Picking me out like ordering a number 58 with extra sauce
But I don’t think you knew what you were doing that night
You were turning stone back into flesh
Returning excitement back to it’s rightful place

Cos I’ve been stuck in the pits for a year
It’s tough to dismiss the wounds as scratches
But a year’s a long time to collect dust and moss
Your limbs and joints bound by the narrative it creates

But trapped in the surgeons chair, you get used to the idea
Of being a spectator to love’s sweet rose garden
The little coffee dates, the negotiations in the park
The walls coming crashing down after glass 3
It’s a ritual of another design, another dimension
You can only smirk through a smile as your skin decays
The pebbles fall from your marble skin
If I was permitted for romance, it wasn’t for today

But what should arrive on an unassuming afternoon?
With grace powerful enough to make renaissance portraits blush
And the charm to talk a bullet back into it’s chamber
You could hear the Velcro damn near tear as she pulled me from the wall
With a smile that can alter paradigms
All while finding the time to subvert Medusa’s gaze
She brings me back to the 3rd Dimension
Reviving my pigments back from the earth
I never meant to make you entertain any doubt darling
It’s just elation’s a hard suit to get comfortable in again
I lack the talent to produce the stanza’s to let you know
How it felt to see you bide your time through my stillness
I was in there for sure and you came upon me eventually
I just hope the toffee lives up to the chocolate that preceded it

Sebastian Noël

Who’s Really On The Side?

His mind’s slowly escaping his grasp
As he’s trying keep his feet planted in reality
And give the Sunday roast his full attention
Masquerading the neighbours new car as interesting conversation
But it’s no use, his short term memory is relentless
He’s staring at his wife’s face but nobodies home
It all ends up becoming flashback
To 2 night’s ago in a grotty hotel in Hull
Just him and an ethical side bea
She’s whispering clairvoyance in his ears
And it’s not long before the results are in
The predictions start to parallel our time line
As her lips leave a trail down his stomach
While his wrists turn blue from the discount restraints
Her eyes peek from above the belt line
As the leash drags him back… Into the present that is
Cos it’s time to pick up his daughter from tennis club
He kisses his wife with absent conviction
All while he pretends to be excited for tonight
When he’ll meet back with her in the bedroom

She notices the mark on his neck
She notices the burns on his wrist
She notices the lipstick on his chest
She notices the perfume on his musk
It’s not like her schedules barren
It’s not like her sides have fled for winter
It’s not like her secondaries fall short
It’s not like she’s tasting the backside of a veto
Her loins turn blue
As her face goes red
She hums a forced gleeful tune
As her hubby goes out the door

A werewolf in Sylvanian families
A hurricane in full house
It’s not my job to give a fuck
Your name’s on the contract
And I’m out to get mine
A 150 hotel roam doesn’t scream apprehension
Shred your plastic guilt
You want nothing else
Now apply your restraints
Let me veto your right to abstain
I know you can’t stop thinking bout me
I’m the trauma to your PTSD
I’m creepin’ when the mundane thrives
Tax returns with the wife, I’m there
Visiting the parents, I’m there
Arguing about being late, I’m there
Sitting through your kids recital, I’m there
Checking texts on the train, I’m there
Candle lit Tesco’s finest, I’m there
The car ride to Great Yarmouth, I’m there
Bills come in the post, I’m there
Looking forward to getting out the house, I’m there
Dreading having to vacate the hotel room, Cos I’m there
You can’t escape me, I’m always there

Sebastian Noël

Intended to be preformed by a trio

No Ambition Blues

I’m an A student running on D fuel
You put that together and you get a C life
And that was a fine way to live for me
I definitely never asked for the greenlight to ascend
But with your eyes drenched in tears
And your hands tied by a freshers wristband
You’re not letting me have a choice in the matter
Progress or perish, the narrative my Dear John contains

Nirvana is what we make of it, so what if mine’s on the ground floor?
With the ice cold burgers from the local caff’
Decor as gloomy as the staff, as miserable as the weather
You’d look up at me from your mouldy egg sandwich
Playing D.I.Y Pictionary with a few napkins and my Biro
But still ‘Gone With The Wind’ is out of my artistic scope
You fight through the aesthetics and conjure a smile
That’s when I theorised that we could withstand any pressure

But you’re content to get other people involved
“You could do so much good for the world”
But I don’t want to do the world any fucking good
I just want to do you some good
Evaporate the floods from your vision
Flow life back into your tired face
Fill a silent living room with your laughter
Calm you down when the family sends an opinion
That’s all the good I wanna do
Thoese are the accomplishments I hang on the fire place
Don’t send me off on a Hercules errand
I have no will to harness what I’ve got to offer
You’re where the ambition starts and ends
So let me sink the flag pole with you and a call it a life

Sebastian Noël

VHSVCRABC

Thing about memories is that they’re like a VHS
Record over those junk food recollections
With a brand new call back
All it takes is pressing REC with me

We’ve been broke from our silky confines
With new forms, with new names
Yet we can’t ignore the guarantee
Left behind by our predecessors, as a memento

Cos I can see a future not to distant from ours
I see eyes trying to escape to the back of your head
I see nail marks down your spine
I see a smile crack through Armageddon

Summers been actin’ mundane thus far
The nights haven’t delivered on their promises
The day to day starts to blend with no spike in sight
Didn’t you say you weren’t doing nowt after your shift?

Cos yours is a face I wanna collide with in the dark
I hope mine’s a face you wanna keep a fugitive in your thighs
I hope I’m still the kind of boy you wanna make mischief with
The sugar facade hiding syrup clad intent

I’m only in town for a month hence
But you can dictate the rest of my days
Towering above you, or bowing at your feet
You got me by the choke collar girl
I ain’t going anywhere not without your say-so
So take your possession to Pasteur, and lets make your night

Sebastian Noël

To Treat You As Less

My porcelain pride and the carnage laid to my hide
You say you admire the state of my life
The state despite the damage
And the method of my ambition
With no commentary on the worth of my devotion
I’ll take the flattery, but I’m losing my life signs
Just to know the price of your devotion
Can you see past an oddity
Can you sniff out my humanity?
Or is mine a view of a quirk?

I can’t turn blind eye to god’s immaculate placement
Of your freckles, the complimentary contrast
Of those crystalline eyes to the decaying nature
Of slouching bags that take refuge beneath them
But I know you want me to pluck my eyes from my skull
So I always do

Perfection an aggravating thing to put aside
I can’t lie
Even as I try to avert my gaze to the sky
My hearts goes awry
My concentration returns to my eyes
Onto to your eyes
No fucking surprise

But of course I’ll comply
There’s nothing more useless then a mutt who disobeys
So I’ll sleep within the wash of your light
Such elation is the only thing keeping me alive

Sebastian Noël

Aftermath – B-Side

Tell me has there ever been a time you’ve met me
That wasn’t a result of trading stern words with him?
If not it were a long while hence
Back to a time where our worries reached an apex
When wondering if we could make it under the sheets before dark
A far cry from the padlocks of stresses that keep us bound
You find yourself in an Alcatraz on earth
Where even your tongue is cuffed to the ceiling

So when you tell me your desperately searching for me in him
Honey, how else am I supposed to take that?
Other then a silenced vow of devotion?
Morse code hidden in the small talk
If I could upset the delicate balance we got going here
I’d reciprocate entirely
Take you in my arms, present you with my beating chest
Then I’d ask “Why search for me, when I’m right here?”

Cos I’ve always been your voluntary slave
And everyone, our friends, our sisters, they all know it
But not to speak out of line or anything
I just wish for once; you were free to speak honestly
Command me to connect with your lips
Then I’ll decommission the ground beneath you
We’ll fall into an uncertain abyss for sure
But we’d be falling arm in arm

Cos truth be told I’ve been looking for you too
In the hearts and minds of an uncaring and cold public
I’ve come damn close to finding you again sure
But no close call matches up to the original
They all took a step away cos they all knew
My heart was just on loan to them
Still waiting for it’s original owner to come back
To take it back into their possession

So won’t you take a Molotov to your domestic bliss
Then take back what’s rightfully yours?
Cos if I was tailored for loving you
Then I’m just a boy scout stuck in the Amazon without you
It takes so little to inflame the fuse
But the wires around your throat hold you back
I hate to end the romcom before the liar revealed
But… There is truly nothing I can do

The sunset’s serene that’s guaranteed
And everyone’s waiting for it
But if Juliet misses the casting call
Then again… What exactly is it we can do?

What am I supposed to do
When there’s nothing anyone can do
When I’m only alive to love you
But there’s shit all anyone can do

What to do?
No one can control a heart or a mind
What’s a boy to do?

Sebastian Noël

The XXXXXXXXX series

Here’s a compilation of them poems I christen the ‘XXXXXXXXX’ series in what is in many ways a chronological order of events, some of these take years before I finish them so if you want to see my heart be destroyed in a canonical timeline, now you can!

1) XXXXXXXXX
http://thetartanprelude.tumblr.com/post/147258028267/xxxxxxxxx

——————————————————————————–

2) Byakko
http://thetartanprelude.tumblr.com/post/143784812282/byakko

3) Another Draft Of History
http://thetartanprelude.tumblr.com/post/146711143547/another-draft-of-history

4) Feeder
http://thetartanprelude.tumblr.com/post/145360464887/feeder

5) Detachment Blues
http://thetartanprelude.tumblr.com/post/143989454096/detachment-blues

6) Being Honest
http://thetartanprelude.tumblr.com/post/147257267742/being-honest

7) Aftermath
http://thetartanprelude.tumblr.com/post/147258954067/aftermath

Sebastian Noël