Reintroductions Are In Order

[CW: Gender & Body Dysphoria mentions]

Another product of content indoctrination
A malicious movement disguised as empowerment
But accepting who you are only gets you so far
When it’s a far cry from who you need to be
Oh my man, you didn’t treat me so good
But that’s nothing compared to how you treated yourself

Every time you catch your reflection unawares
In the puddle, shop windows, rear view mirrors
A cold sigh, an empty nod
I don’t even greet my greatest enemies like that
But you swear down there’s nothing behind it
As long as it lets you ignore the savagery of time
As it enunciates your feminine figure as the years march on
Cos content culture doesn’t allow for that kind of discontent

But alas, a lifetime spent with womanhood
And all it’s ever done, was do you dirty
It clipped your wings with a premature time limit
On behalf of maternal obligations and a biological clock
It’s always ticking away in the back of your skull
Putting a damper on your travelling plans
Just leaves you with seething jealousy
For those on the other side of the binary
A father at 55? Not sus in the slightest
A freedom you’ll never know, having lost the biology lottery

But alas, a lifetime spent with womanhood
And all it’s ever done, was do you dirty
Stuck with aesthetics disconnected from your soul
Deafened with compliments, so you never thought to check
If your most lauded traits ever brought you joy
Your curved hips, those slender legs
Them gargantuan eyes and stacked behind
Calls of envy from your peers distracts for a spell
But you notice it starts to make your stomach churn
It never fit, it didn’t work, it doesn’t make sense
You get you energy from Mars, not Venus
The future is dreadful, sends you pining for pre-pubescent times
If only you knew then what you do know
The maybe you could’ve put a stop to this…

But alas, a lifetime spent with womanhood
And all it’s ever done, was do you dirty
In hindsight, it had to be why you reacted with venom
As I was on my way out of the binary
The programming didn’t want to accept it viable
All very well as a hypothetical for someone else
But to see it staring at you from a lover
Just makes you remember how you’re 30 years too late
But it’s never too late, there’s no expiry date
To drop the act and live a life that’s true
50 years of beautiful honesty, vs. all 90 years in bullshit?
Oh it’s never too late to embrace the god of war’s power
In fact I pray the next time we cross paths
In the bowels of Dalston, or prematurely in Victoria
You’ll have started your HRT
And reintroductions are in order

Sebastian Noël

Written at the request of S

I Got It

I think I got it
At 14 zoning out on the knoll
Thinking about how there’s no magic coming
My bodies on a set course from now to oblivion
No magic spell to cross the binary is coming
And nothing made me more sad then that

I think I got it
I never would’ve assumed so
I suppose I was unhappy with myself
Until my body started resembling an unwelcome guest
Maybe I just never gave it much thought
I let people paint and put a name on it
When they craved hair like an indicator
Not talking about the mop on their head
Talking about the hair that solidifies chromosomes
“I know you hate it but why would that matter?”
Yeah I really let them have their way
Threw away my ‘me’ and let the wolves fight it out
No reason to complain right? I had it good
Different girl on my mattress every month, good right?
Getting the clout of my peers, it’s good right?
Sex, fame and a living wage, that’s good right?
Knocking back 12 shots just to cope, that’s good right?
Crying in the mirror, that’s the good shit right?
Screaming for help but no one listening, that’s good right?
Saving none of your love for yourself, that’s the good shit yeah?
I had what they wanted, it never looked like suffering
So no one ever lent a hand, just let it all slide
Why’s that? I know why’s that
That’s why I think I got it

Yeah I got it
But I thought soon after does it matter?
Yeah I got it
Can’t everything I wanted to be, can’t it be done as me?
Yeah I got it
It matters plenty it turns out
Yeah I got it
Every time they only saw what they wanted
Yeah I got it
When they saw a monster in their spaces
Yeah I got it
No, when they saw a monster in MY spaces
Yeah I got it
They ask me to take on my guilt
Yeah I got it
No, they ask me to take on another’s guilt

Yeah I got it
When I tell them I’m not of their number
But they don’t care, they got a bone to pick
Man man man, they gotta throw down hands
They know a man when they see one
And it makes me feel like shit cos I got it
Cos nothing makes me more ill
Cos it makes me wanna tear my skin off
Rip my organs out and rearrange them
In a way where they’ll start to see me
Do I wanna? No, but it’s like I gotta
Cos I got it, but they have to see I got it
I got the scars but, nah I ain’t got it
Somedays I feel like one way, so I don’t got it

Fuck you, I got it
I always liked it when the praise was contradictory
Yeah I got it
“I wish I had your eyelashes, your nails grow so quick”
Yeah I got it
Skin softer then satin, lips swollen like allergies
Yeah I got it
The hair on my head: My greatest asset

The things that get me jealous
The freedom of that beauty
The attention demanded en masse
And the pit of knowing it’ll never be mine
Fuck what your eyes see: I got it
Just cos I didn’t express it in a one piece dress
Cos I’m on that dungrees or Parka and leggings ting
Doesn’t mean I don’t got it
Fuck what your eyes see; I belong here
We share the same energy: Get over it
Someone that looks like me has got it
Yeah I got it

Sebastian Noël

Not U

Don’t call me that, call me that, call me that, call me that
I’m nothing like that
More evident when you insist I am
Evidence exclusive from your insistence
“You’re one of us, expect your this
And this, and this, and this, and this…”
Every stipulation so you don’t gotta say I am
Cos if I am then you are too and anything but that

But fine I never felt like you at all
I never felt it at all
Ever since 14 staring into space
Fantasising body swapping with another kind
The things I’d do, the things I’d say
I could be loved, man it’d be cool
But no animosity, cos I was always happy to come back
If only I could on the fly, if only it was real

But I had to be one, I had to be like them
Hate like them, abuse like them
Take like them, them like them
Who them? Either one: They them
Cos them only care about what they think is there
So if you listen with your eyes
And never see with your ears
Then. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

Sebastian Noël

Successors Gratitude

Resigned to a life of the fight
Every second designed to a diplomatic way or declaration
His skirt is the capote, to the masses bull hardy hearts
Every step is a step ready to die
To splay on the grown sucking your own blood for the cause
To only be as brave as you
To keep the fight outside the confines of your room
The activists, the hashtagers
Those who say your life matters
They’ll turn their backs to you
Unless you wind up dead
Compressed into a headline, ready to tweet

But I won’t forget you
Maybe you dunno the fallout, nor it’s effects
As you tell another paragon of heaven’s kingdom
To politely go fuck themselves
But when I show my face to the public
Toting my leggings, the choker and oversized jumper
I hope you’ll know

And though your masculine identity is set in stone
When I see those less attached
Start to fill my streets
I hope you’ll know

When despite the fear of an abrupt end
Looms over those same young ladies heads
Shaking as they order another pale ale
I hope you’ll know

They may not speak
They may be too awkward to credit you
But beyond the middle class plastic activists
Is us
And we know

Sebastian Noël

Things A Boy Can Never Be

Grabbing galaxies from your palms
As they linger a meander in the atmosphere
Cos to say you had the world in your hands
Would be a gross understatement

You command the eyes with your sways
You dodge the gazes like lasers in a 80’s flick
But made damn sure they were still looking your way
Everytime you touch their cheeks
You can see their gods die in their eyes
There’s no value in faith of the unseen
For the night, your all they believe in now

So desired, so admired
They flock around you like magpies
Such lust, with a little warmth
And if you allow it maybe even a little love

It cuts me up as a bystander
I’m not in the queue with a ticket in hand
I have my eyes on a bigger prize then that
I don’t wanna be with you, I wanna be you

To have each step treated like a tremor
With people dashing from their seats
Just for a chance of a gamble to be in proximity
And feel like I have a reason to be anywhere
To have every crook of my body
Analysed and immortalised in verse
To have the eyes of envy gaze longingly
Then have the eyes of jealousy mark me

I can’t stand to see it so out of my reach
I’m swaying with loaned energy on the floor
But if they’re not looks of bewilderment
Then it’s nostalgic gaze of malice
I’ve no reason to be anywhere, it’s clear
As they back away to get out range

To be as loved as her
To be as desired as her
To be so admired as her
Just a handful
Of the many things
That a boy can never be


The Power Of Youth [W.I.P]

Make sure to soak every second of this in
Swipe away the condescending stares and slurs
The ones flung by the powerless low set girls
The attack of your candour behind SMITE accounts

Because your the monarchy right here and now
And the parliament, as well as the rebels and movers
In the arms of your sidekick, in the comfort of his seat
As the subjects grasp for tributes and activities
All to feel for one second they were on your level
Soak it in young’un this’ll be the only time it’s in reach
The only time a flick of the wrist, results in a new glass
Each curve of the spine, encouraging the spit reserve

The aged might tear into the bobbing of the lap
But were they any different, all them nights ago
They gritt their teeth ever second they’re not in your shoes
To command a committee of admirers
To ascend past a 2nd class citizen
Oh what a treat! What she’d give to return to that……

Lil effeminate one

In the crux of a new addiction across the nation
And they’re indulging in full
It’s the deconstruction of an Identity to an algorithm
“Your giving strain to that uniform with your form”
“That jacket gives me pause with your clashing chromosomes”
Well here’s something to choke on with your pies and Carlsberg;

Maybe I just don’t care

If it’s too feminine then I’ve repulsed the right kind
Obsessive and convulsive with patriotic hate
If it’s too effeminate then I’m repugnant in all the right ways
Because spouting verses and hymns and comparing dicks

Wow, that sounds incredibly straight

And your saying it’s gross, nowhere near gruff like a bloke oughta’
That’s funny cos I don’t recall your companion complaining
When she’s collecting wood from the bed under her nails
And lamenting how “The boy is nothing compared to the man”

– Lnc0

Acting Submissive/Domineering With The Clubbers Of Colchester

You don’t have to yell at me so loud
Why’d you have to shriek at me so fucking loud?
I’m trying my hardest to have a good time and crack a smile
I’m trying my hardest to juice a bit of joy from this car wreck
But in the midst of this gaggle of boars
But in the midst of this murder of scavengers
The type that prey on the wandering fawns
The type that pick apart the scraps of poor lost lambs
Who have lost the sparkle in their eyes
Caked in petrol station cologne, it’s a sickening sight

I see you spread out in the back of the bar like a corpse
I wish I could obey the green lights at the racetrack
But I can’t find the heart to reach out and take it
You slump in your seat as if inviting me to do the same
I was born with more class then that love
And besides what exactly have you done to sell me on the act?

Oh and you make your disappointment in my discomfort known
All you’ve done is make your disappointment in my boredom known
If I had a penny for every time I was under criticism
If I had a penny for every time I came under criticism
Cos’ I didn’t know the way to be a real man
Cos’ I refused to fall in line for the male stereotype
I’d of ran for the taxi home to save you the embarrassment
I’d of brought you a taxi home, just to get you out of my sight

I wish I could tear your focus away from your phone screen
Trying to gather the scraps of a good night out
You shell out a drug lords daily paycheck
To sit your arses in the in the side of the club
Snapping evidence of having a good night out
To justify your empty wallet the next day
I just want to grab you by the wrist, and pull you up
Into the phantasm of the violet lights
And dance the dread away, loosen up them thighs
But oh my god I’m falling asleep
Run your hair inbewteen my fingers
And plant the sweetest embrace
But you’ve lost your willpower you just want to sink into the seats
I left my mothers womb 22 years ago to have fun
So why is it such a trail to get you on the dancefloor
Lets put them litres of booze in us to good use!

Oh please let me go!
Oh please let me free!
I can’t stand to see you like this any more
I can’t stand to put up with this any more
You fidget and squirm like a child in a push-chair
We just aren’t comfortable together it would seem
There’s more to life drinking and planting evidence for it
Get a hobby, get a life, get a fucking clue
I didn’t mean to be such a disappointment
I wish you weren’t such a disappointment
I didn’t mean to make you so sad
I wish you didn’t make me so mad
I didn’t mean to fail you as a man
I wish you’d just let me be myself, instead of a ‘man’
Maybe it’ll be better if I just went home
Maybe it’ll be better if you just fucked off?

As Preformed By Domestic

A Domestic re-write of two previous poems I wrote:

– Lnc0

Can A Life Be Well Lived?

Deep within the recesses of tonight’s summer dream I say
“Don’t looks some glum honey it’s better this way”
As you clutch your cyan tinted suitcase
While boarding the 7:12 to London Liverpool Street
My absence in your life in but a small price to pay
To ensure you can touch the stars you lust for at night

Yet in reality: I see girls discarding away dreams and ideas
Like a pile of first drafts overflowing from a bin
All because of that funny look their boy gives them
When they dare try to make a move in his presence
That may kick him of the top dollar spot on the throne
To die so submissively it breaks my heart

And yet even in a world where I can have anything
I’ll still let you go to makes sure you can have everything

And yet when I awake at the rise of tomorrows sun
I’ll be having breakfast alone again

I don’t think a life can be well lived
At least unless lived on your own

*Written For National Poetry Month – 10/30*