Their Narrative (II)

I bellow and exhausted sigh
While flicking through the saved pics on my Nikon
That’s all the emotion I can muster these days
A far cry from the drunken nights slumped in alleyway

I recognise backdrops from Colchester all the way up to York
With each year since 2010 getting their spotlight
I can see old flames, lost loves and deserted comrades
Clinging to my shoulders, with me busting out the fingerguns

A heartbreak comes as no surprise anymore
Just an inevitable outcome
Of any satellite coming into orbit
A part of my cycle, till gravity dictates otherwise

Still got pictures of us all on the SD card
From posing on the London Ferry, to coming home from Mayfair
Or V-Festival; back when good people where on the roll call
I go through them all, like my final years in a nursing home

Mental illness can be a drain on merriment
You can do everything by the book
But all it takes is disturbing the precarious balance
And it’s the scapegoating that sours the whole thing

I just want to take the easy way out
Put all the blame on this psyche
Beat my personality to a bloody pulp
Until it looks like something you could love

It felt easier to just put “Abusive” on my business card
With zero critique, and call it a day
“Yes dear, even your tendency to entertain ableist ideas,
That’s my fault too” I say with a heart halfer then half

But I can’t just do it like that anymore
Out of character for me: But I’m putting value in living
That’s right! So now putting it all on the line
Just to keep you pristine, don’t feel worth it anymore

I’m mourning a severed connection tonight baby!
Not of you and I, but more with society
Yeah I’m sure it’s easy to make out you’re an isolated case
But this is rewrite number 6 of the same narrative
My reviewers are getting sick of the reprise
Oh I know, imagine how it feel living it?

Cos people like to play make believe
With my good old friend: BPD
Like he’s crawled out of the Black Lodge
Pulling my arm, planting a 44. in hand
Oh but I don’t think it’s pointing at you, oh no no
And in fact, the fingerprints would reveal something interesting

BPD isn’t the aggressor, I’ll tell you all
BPD is amassing a collections of little red flags
From the school of “Why aren’t you like sane man?”
And not running for the hills the second that quote lands
BPD is fool me 10 times, still shame on me
Just for the oft chance it’s just a phase
But you don’t like hearing that? Okay I hear you
I remember Goffman’s rules of Stigma, I get you
So I’ll admit I did put that pistol in your hands
And I gave you 4/5 odds you’d take the shot
But darling…. You didn’t have to take aim
You def didn’t have to pull the trigger
And for sure you didn’t need to hit my vitals
Now I’m on the floor bleeding for my life: That’s Borderline

I feel like the time I spent with you all was wonderful
I’ll look back on these selfies like monuments
My first. Kiss. Time. Fling. Both Mono and Poly.
They’re nodes in my timeline, like slices of Nirvana
During extended periods of solitude
But… I also make sure to keep them as reminders
A row of little Purple Hearts on my shelf
Proof of surviving the decade irregardless
And a warning for the decade to come
Of what it looks like, when your seen like a free ride

Sebastian Noël

Their Narrative (I)

(CW: Ableist Language/Slurs)

The disclosure’s taken a turn for the worst
People don’t see a declaration they see a curse
Or worse they lick their lips and see a chance
To express their neurosis guilt free at last!

Just imagine, accountability out the fucking window
You can let your empathy run at an all time low
If you feel anything, it takes sole priority
Cos your irrational supersedes any solidarity

And if they start to challenge that? Well it’s easy enough!
Just say they’re on a mad one; the stupid spasticated borderline cunt
And what if they catch wise and start to call you out on it?
Just call it abuse to your faux-victim mates on the LovedOnes Reddit

They can suppress it all they want, but it’ll never be enough
Not when you’re eyeing a free ride with your affinity bluff
With your coverted support peaking at a sorry looking glance
I can hear you now: “Ah the perks of retarded romance”

Sebastian Noël

No Empathy (W.I.P)

You come to me with testimonies and expect empathy?
I’m supposed to share the pain I’ve felt this whole time?
Where’s your credentials? Where’s your references?
Check the year, it’s time to prove your rape

Did you not record the walking on eggshells?
Did you not snapchat them saying “No one else does this”?
Did you not video them calling you pathetic cunt?
Did you not get a witness when you couldn’t see your friends?
Did you not get a time sheet of when they were your best friend
Only to desert you when the 2nd woman comes by?
Did you not get an x-ray of them invading your space?
Along with a voice recording of you saying no
Each and every time their claws came around?
Then why would I believe you at all?

Your opening up is phoney
Your cries are all fictional
Your standing up is hurting us
Your experience is stereotype
Your suffering is invalid
You can’t prove a damn thing to me

This is the state we’ve been reduced
A victim can’t just be a victim, you must prove your rape
Your abuse isn’t as abusey as their abuse
That’s an abuse of the abuse tag!
It’s now a world where the walls of speaking up are higher
It’s not the just the gaze of the predator you gotta avoid
Now empathy is a thing to earned, not received
And the victim is more silent then ever before

Sebastian Noël

The Spark -The First Movement-

The 9-5 method of preservation
Just to fund the monthly sink to hasten the decay
As he whispers cynical realities into your ears
Clip the wings, petrify the soul
So escape seems impossible
So settling seems inevitable
Cos if you could fly away
Then we all could escape the loop
And the notion of effort couldn’t repulse him more
So he jots down a script, time to dose the fire

But channel out the equalisers
Your destiny was always to become The Spark
Soar into the second reality
Become the lighting rod to power us all
To make our plasma supercharged
Break free of the confines
Taste our dreams resting upon our tongues
We’ve put more stock into you then is healthy

But The Spark’s duty comes at a cost
Especially in front of the malicious kind
Who need to be the top of their podiums
They’re content with moulding into the tarmac
They can’t have you excelling at all
Not at the risk of smelting their gold into bronze

So they’ll tell you anything they can
Show you a descending ladder into crystals
And then they’ll ‘Welcome you to reality’
Then if you start to ascend that ladder
You become ‘The Idiot’ you become ‘The Retard’
Turn the world into the hopeless one

If only you could see the grace in you, that we do
That you’re potential incarnate
The working class heroine the snake pit deserves
You gotta show us a world where it’s possible
To escape the blindfold of the abuse cycle
Deleting the failsafe installed at birth
That we have to take the very little we can get
That safety comes at cost of your entire life
None of us want to believe any of that’s true
I know for a fact you don’t wanna think that’s true

So come on XXXXXX you can’t fall here now
Your lowly doppelgängers just want to believe
Because if it’s all hopeless and you fall here now
Then I’ll pull the fucking trigger


The Empathy Age (W.I.P)

Oh there’s nothing you can do, they’re all dead
No future for your favourite people, they’re all dead
Destined to smile though a bruised jaw
And a demolished ego, boy they’re already dead

Try as I might to babble through textbooks
Of analogy, quotes, self help propaganda
It appears I just don’t have the tongue for it
To get you see the spade as a spade

If only you were the only one
Ping, Ping, Ping, all day long
A breakdown censored by the sweetest smile
From all over Essex county

It feels like a task intended for meta-humans
To convince people they don’t deserve this
To be tendered and made to feel like dirt
If they have the audacity to think themselves human

What can I do if they’re already long gone?
I can’t convince them, they’re better then dead
How much empathy can I spare,
If the dead can’t find it in them to cling to life?

Does it earn attention away from my beloved?
To share the strain of empathy
Almost to strip the awards from her hands
For knowing she’s worthy of humanity

Oh what a horrible thing to say, to even think
But my heart can’t bear to ache anymore
Is it right to leave you to your grave
And spend that time tending to my wounds?


Mr. Mercy [W.I.P]

Mr. Mercy tell me why
You not letting them girls go out
Mr. Mercy tell me why
Why you not letting them see their friends
Mr. Mercy tell me why
Why you shooting her dreams down
Mr. Mercy tell me why
Why you saying she’s losing her mind
Mr. Mercy tell me why
Why you getting mad when she put her foot down
Mr. Mercy tell me why
Why you only apologise when she tires to go
Mr. Mercy tell me why
Why you crying when they leave you alone
Mr. Mercy tell me why
Why you getting scared when a girl gets ideas
Mr. Mercy tell me why
Why you getting nervous when she talks to her friends
Mr. Mercy tell me how
She treats you like fucking dirt
Especially that one time she had the nerve
To be asked to be spoken to like a fellow human being

Mr. Mercy tell me why
Why you shocked when they go
Mr. Mercy tell me why
Why you slur their name afterwards
Mr. Mercy tell me why
Why you think everyone else is insane
Mr. Mercy tell me why
Why you think your never to blame
Mr. Mercy tell me why
Why you saying their behaviours wrong
Mr. Mercy tell me why
Why you saying that yours is okay
Mr. Mercy tell me why
Why you got to see it as an attack
Mr. Mercy tell me why
Why you never seem humans in them girls
Mr. Mercy tell me why
Why you never see an eye for an eye
Mr. Mercy tell me why
Why you never see a tooth for a tooth
Mr. Mercy tell me why
Why you feed on them like vampires
Mr. Mercy tell me why
Why you fuck them like it’s required
Mr. Mercy tell me why you think
Your anymore then a child out of it’s crib
Painting your cries as for love and affection
When you really wish they’d just be obedient

Mr. Mercy let me tell you why
You gotta live this why:

Cos who the fuck would want a fucking cancer like you otherwise!?