And They/Them Undid It All

[ CW: Transphobia, Ableist slurs ]

To think all it took was They/Them
Two single syllables was all it took to dismantle a timeline
They/Them vetoes years of our time
It still leaves me shook how abrupt the effect was
You couldn’t even bring yourself to hold me
As I mourn on the anniversary of my mother’s passing

They/Them undoes holding my hand down Forrest
Comparing our spoils from the capsule machines
People watching from the park benches
They/Them undoes trying to squeeze in time
During a school night hiding in Gratham’s backstreets
With your hands up my shirt, cigarette in mouth
They/Them undoes kissing the back of your neck
All the way down to your backside
While illuminated by the Itallian sun
People tell it’s been far too long to still be mad about it

You’re damn right, it’s been a year and a half and I’m still mad
I tried to sit on these feelings to get this verse just right
But time after time I find, that I just get more mad
When it dawns, all the little ways you’re still hurting me
Cos last night when I walked towards you at Royal Centre
Was the same night I couldn’t reach out to the woman I adore
She was calling out for me under the fluorescent lights
I couldn’t bring myself to lend her an ear

All because of the things you taught me during our time
That you can’t trust when someone says they care for you
That everyone’s love for you is conditional
That people can look you dead in the eye
Spin a lie that you’re the one that makes them high
Only to find out they were seeing through you the whole time

What ever happened to our time huh?
What happened to me being a consideration huh?
What happened to splitting the bill for the wine
On Autumn nights in central London
As you look me in the eye and tell me
How you thought it was so sad I didn’t see a future for myself
That you wanted to give me one yourself
That you wanted to have my kids one day
That you didn’t want to see a future without me
Fuckin’ They/Them undoes all of that huh?

So sorry about upending all our plans
Yeah it matters you won’t respect that I’m trans
Taking out all your bullshit out on me
Just because you never learned any tolerance
We’re not here to take the bullet for you
Just cos you wanna stay in the closet
Just cos you don’t wanna process your dysphoria
Yeah I wash my hands of it, it’s not my problem anymore
Die a miserable cis women for all I care
I could’ve talked you through it
Could’ve talked you through all your feelings
We could’ve started you on your best life
But you wanna destroy that you see in yourself
As you’d rather stop anyone from being themselves
Just cos you don’t wanna admit your own feelings

Well fuck you, I’m not gonna downplay myself
I’m a nonbinary, traumatised, gay as fuck spastic
I’m at full power now, I’m not gonna be quiet
I’ve never been happier in my own skin
I found the family who takes care of me
I found the lover who sees the enby in front of them
To which They/Them makes us stronger
Meanwhile you’re stuck lying about your life
I pray this is the last thing I ever write about you
I just recall you like a cringe schoolyard anecdote
Cos you’re a disgrace to the culture
A disgrace to Polyam folks
A disgrace to Kiwi’s worldwide
A disgrace to Autistics everywhere
I’m embarrassed I ever knew your transphobic ass
Fuck. You.

Sebastian Noël

Lied Too – Part 1 (The Cisgender Days)

[CW: Sexual Assault]

All it took was a two short months
Before Asmodeus starting working his magic
And the cracks in my skin started gasping
Struck by muscle memory of the ‘ol cisgender days
That’s a lot sooner then the guarantee assured me
My rosary beads eroding from keeping the influence back
I guess I’m just recalling when this used to a thriving place
Like a one man travelling botanical gardens 
Inviting, populated and never wanting for company
If I was feeling cheeky I’d even call it coveted

But at what cost? Only the pittance giving him everything
Hard to see it now, but that felt like such a small price to pay
Slip into someone else suit, and sign a 5 year acting contract
And you get to be “One of them” you get to feel loved, finally
A childhood of “He’ll do” and last picked in P.E
The begrudging admittance of companionship on the playground
Snide 4 out of 10 ratings at the house parties
It’s that recollection of obscurity is how he seals the deal
It’s all gonna come to an end before you know it
Just become another of Asmodeus’ number

I still remember the times when those benefits were reaped
Someone not of this world set me in their sights
They offered me a seat on the “Neurologically typical table”
An autistic like me? Really?
A lifetime of self doubt melts away in an elegant fashion
In one beautiful night, under 99p store candle lights
With the kind of woman who’d steal your dreams for decades
Just the notion of someone being glad that I’m accompanying
As the dawn kisses dusk goodbye at the door
She grips me tight as she slides under the sheets
She climbs onto me and lets me know “Baby I can’t wait anymore”
That’s enough to melt this cold, cold soul

Then like a car crash into euphoria she screams
“Call me worthless, call me scum, just like a real man would”
And suddenly I don’t wanna do it, I don’t wanna do this anymore
Then come the breakfast table, discussion sours in the bowl
“Cut the dialogue unless your ploughing me, like a real man would”
And suddenly I don’t wanna see her, I don’t wanna see her anymore

It dawns on me that masculinity has lied to me again
This wasn’t the climax of my adolescence Asmodeus implied
The moment that would grant me my humanity, my place in society
In fact you could argue what little humanity I accumulated over time
Has been stripped from me with cynical accuracy
But it’s far too late, the indoctrination has truly sunk in
I’m starting to believe the fallacy, like when intimacy makes it’s absence
It can only imply malice, spite and boredom, it’s like the canary
Once it’s died in the shaft, there’s nothing bring that love back to life
An absurd theory, but the things we fall for before hindsight…
There’s no excitement, no elation, at your continued insistence to be
Your presence in her bed’s like inviting a stone into a shoe
Why aren’t we doing it? Don’t you like me anymore?
And during the hysterics, you catch yourself in the mirror
And you’ve become the very thing that got you here at all
Now I don’t wanna do it, I never wanna do it anymore

There’s no longer any critique from the water to the wine
Chasing that forever fleeting feeling of being revered by someone
Instead going back to that deafening indifference
Maybe the secret to happiness lies with the next one
Asmodeus assures you it’s gonna be the next one
They’ll let you love yourself again
That feeling that curls your stomach when you look at yourself?
That way you hate yourself? It’ll end he promises
But that’s the kind of logic that finds you stuck in the talons
Of those also bound to Asmodeus contract
Except they got a little ace up their sleeve; They’re soulless
It’s a thirst, and it’s gonna be quenched regardless of your consent

Her eyes light up in the doorway, as the true face comes to light
“Oh take me in your arms and put your hands around my neck
And take it all from me like a real man would”
And now I don’t wanna do it, I don’t wanna do it anymore
Her aggression starts to rise from your reluctance
She starts to pin you down and won’t let go
“You’ll take it from me, weather you like it or not, like a real man would”
But I don’t wanna be one, no I don’t wanna be one anymore

Needless to say that wasn’t what I consented too
Not on the night, or when I first got into a man’s suit
I took a year of celibacy to heal my aching soul
As it turns out, a plot twist to no observer, It was never worth it
A brief sense of acceptance by the masses, that crumbled in sunlight
A feeling that I was loved by everyone, but still hated by the one that mattered
They’re the one I’m stuck from sunrise to night fall
It’s the one that screams at the moonlight, every night
Begging for a body that matches the insides
While Asmodeus pats me on the back
For spreading toxic masculinity among the masses
The real me was starving in solitary confinement

A day doesn’t pass when I’m so glad I broke them out
Neither a woman or a man, still someone I’m getting to understand
Solitary nights in and dialogue with the echoes off my walls
It feels so good to get to know them after all this time
And all it cost was the pittance of everything
All the hype and clout I had built, I let it slip through my fingers
My appearance now lowers the mood in the room by 2 octaves
I don’t think anyone’s been glad to see me in a long while
I think Asmodeus sees it as the ultimate exile
But truth be told, I needed the solitude
Maybe somewhere, out there, the appearance of the real me
Is just the thing someone’s been waiting for

Sebastian Noël

Locked In

I’m feeling the exile once again
But it somehow stings a little less this time
Cos the more I try to integrate into it
The more I’m left feeling locked outside the library
Is it worst to be exiled from the 2 point 5 children life,
In a thinly veiled attempt to curb divergent mind numbers?
Or is it perhaps worse to the be locked in
In a social model curated without your people’s input?

Can’t help but wonder when comparing
The epilogues of those recently let in the door
Covering every pour and hole
She’s suffocating from the droll
Of spectre’s hanging down her neck in idle times
Every breath, word and call, twisted and poked
Reminded of the needlessly gendered social hierarchy
Calculated, purposeful, negging call of the crows
An ecosystem made invincible, impenetrable
Perhaps it is worse to be locked in….

Worse to be locked with their grip on your arms
Forcing you to choke the life out of your love
Cos that’s the mark of a Mars in charge
Even worse when you look down
And you see who’s holding your arms, orchestrating the choke
“It’s what the Mars kind should do” she says
Every breath, word and call, twisted and poked
Reminded of the needlessly gendered social hierarchy
Perhaps it is worse to be locked in
Where your identity is out of your control

Sebastian Noël

I Got It

I think I got it
At 14 zoning out on the knoll
Thinking about how there’s no magic coming
My bodies on a set course from now to oblivion
No magic spell to cross the binary is coming
And nothing made me more sad then that

I think I got it
I never would’ve assumed so
I suppose I was unhappy with myself
Until my body started resembling an unwelcome guest
Maybe I just never gave it much thought
I let people paint and put a name on it
When they craved hair like an indicator
Not talking about the mop on their head
Talking about the hair that solidifies chromosomes
“I know you hate it but why would that matter?”
Yeah I really let them have their way
Threw away my ‘me’ and let the wolves fight it out
No reason to complain right? I had it good
Different girl on my mattress every month, good right?
Getting the clout of my peers, it’s good right?
Sex, fame and a living wage, that’s good right?
Knocking back 12 shots just to cope, that’s good right?
Crying in the mirror, that’s the good shit right?
Screaming for help but no one listening, that’s good right?
Saving none of your love for yourself, that’s the good shit yeah?
I had what they wanted, it never looked like suffering
So no one ever lent a hand, just let it all slide
Why’s that? I know why’s that
That’s why I think I got it

Yeah I got it
But I thought soon after does it matter?
Yeah I got it
Can’t everything I wanted to be, can’t it be done as me?
Yeah I got it
It matters plenty it turns out
Yeah I got it
Every time they only saw what they wanted
Yeah I got it
When they saw a monster in their spaces
Yeah I got it
No, when they saw a monster in MY spaces
Yeah I got it
They ask me to take on my guilt
Yeah I got it
No, they ask me to take on another’s guilt

Yeah I got it
When I tell them I’m not of their number
But they don’t care, they got a bone to pick
Man man man, they gotta throw down hands
They know a man when they see one
And it makes me feel like shit cos I got it
Cos nothing makes me more ill
Cos it makes me wanna tear my skin off
Rip my organs out and rearrange them
In a way where they’ll start to see me
Do I wanna? No, but it’s like I gotta
Cos I got it, but they have to see I got it
I got the scars but, nah I ain’t got it
Somedays I feel like one way, so I don’t got it

Fuck you, I got it
I always liked it when the praise was contradictory
Yeah I got it
“I wish I had your eyelashes, your nails grow so quick”
Yeah I got it
Skin softer then satin, lips swollen like allergies
Yeah I got it
The hair on my head: My greatest asset

The things that get me jealous
The freedom of that beauty
The attention demanded en masse
And the pit of knowing it’ll never be mine
Fuck what your eyes see: I got it
Just cos I didn’t express it in a one piece dress
Cos I’m on that dungrees or Parka and leggings ting
Doesn’t mean I don’t got it
Fuck what your eyes see; I belong here
We share the same energy: Get over it
Someone that looks like me has got it
Yeah I got it

Sebastian Noël

Not U

Don’t call me that, call me that, call me that, call me that
I’m nothing like that
More evident when you insist I am
Evidence exclusive from your insistence
“You’re one of us, expect your this
And this, and this, and this, and this…”
Every stipulation so you don’t gotta say I am
Cos if I am then you are too and anything but that

But fine I never felt like you at all
I never felt it at all
Ever since 14 staring into space
Fantasising body swapping with another kind
The things I’d do, the things I’d say
I could be loved, man it’d be cool
But no animosity, cos I was always happy to come back
If only I could on the fly, if only it was real

But I had to be one, I had to be like them
Hate like them, abuse like them
Take like them, them like them
Who them? Either one: They them
Cos them only care about what they think is there
So if you listen with your eyes
And never see with your ears
Then. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

Sebastian Noël

-DEADNAME- (Where’s He At?)

Oh -DEADNAME- -DEADNAME-
Oh -DEADNAME- they still ask for you
Did you know that? They still weep for you
They ask “Hey what happened too -DEADNAME-?”
Remember how -DEADNAME- used to be?
-DEADNAME- would be so happy and smiley
I don’t think they remember you at all -DEADNAME-
By any other name, but they still wouldn’t recognize you

When I show my face in your stead
I’m greeted by sighs when they see I’m not you
Damn if that don’t hurt
Cos it doesn’t matter who you are
All they wanna see is what they wanna see

His name still carries infamy
They’re peeking out the car windows for him
But they’ll never find him
No not anymore
I’ll engage them but it’s not good enough
The dissonance with their replies is too great
Are they listening to me? Can they hear me?
They’re replying to -DEADNAME- but he’s not here

They’re waiting on his invitation
To complete the trip down memory lane
But the guest of honour is a no show
Good. I hope he stays that way
I’ve broken if off, I’ve had enough of ‘him’
To be asked to represent ideals
I see no value in, bit unfair init?
I tell you I’m no villain
But it matters not, everything they say is true
People want a villain, one born of hell
But I keep trying to tell you, he don’t live here no more
I’m no villain, no more

When all they see is what they wanna see
Regardless of the reality
Damn if it don’t hurt
Cos it doesn’t matter what you are
It’s not as important as what they wanna see

I’m free from the shackles of he!
Please don’t drag me back
Cos you got a vendetta with a dead man
Something better has taken it’s place
Don’t ask me to regress for the sake of nostalgia
It’s not just taking an identity
It’s also asking to take on all it’s sins
I hear them pop off from the stands
-DEADNAME- -DEADNAME- -DEADNAME-
They wanna see a villain
But that’s him, that’s not me
I’m no villain

Sebastian Noël