Breakfast Bap Blues

Your so close to dying
A molecule based misery seeps from the floor
On a not unexpected, but disappointing 5 past 10
Your dodging english again to escape the rainpour
While an egg yolk begins to weep for you
As you take another bite of your morning bap
It’s as miserable of a picture as it sounds
And all you got is the classic English morning for company

You don’t even know when it went wrong
But you know that look when it cuts you
Reserved for the most fiendish of miscreants
As he finds any excuse to pull his hand away from yours
An itch, checking the phone, pointing to a bug eating dogshit
A mere millimetres separate you, but your continents apart
He even was in rush to kiss you at the door
And there goes a boy, who didn’t want to be here in the first place

Was it something you said? Or did?
Did you miss the cue to deliver your line?
Fuck the line, I don’t think you ever got the script
Maybe he’s right, maybe you never do listen
How do you apologise, you know he’ll just ask why?
And if you’re short of an answer
Then that’s as good as telling him to fuck off
Maybe if you got him that album he’s always talki…. mmm…
That’s when a clairvoyants flash slips into your mind
And it slowly starts to dawn, that it’s futile

So you sink further into the diners throne
Your face covered by azure curls
In your Totoro hoodie, and your copy of Wild World
As you stomach that there’s nothing you can do
To make the clouds part and the sun beam
So you might as well just waste your time…

Lnc0

In Review

You know if it’s real
When you let it all go
Let it dash into the woods
And see if it ever comes back

I know it’s just human nature
To regret taking the actions which end up hurting
But it’s better to know
So much better then to never know

While drawing circles in the dirt
As I piddle time away, waiting for your return
I couldn’t pin point the things at stake
It wasn’t the cute peak points, they’re all gone
It wasn’t understanding, you never lent an ear
Maybe you did on summer nights
But on troubling winter noons, you’re nowhere to be seen

So I pick up my bags and head off
It’s shit to know your not coming for me, yeah
All the memories now come with a bitter after taste
But time could be better spent
And if I’m not their, if you never come back
Then don’t fret cos remember
You only know it’s real
If it comes back, after you let it go

Lnc0

Why Me? [Draft]

I just can’t do it
Rimming around the outskirts of my mocha
Trying to grab the clauses from the air
To build us something resembling small talk
Cos that’s what sane people would do right?
Keep it all composed
Shoot eachother satin laced nods and smiles
Where so happy to hear that of each other
Except we couldn’t possibly be in reality could we?
Just tell me why, why didn’t you come?

Where the fuck have you been?
I remember during toaster filtered summer nights
Tearing up in your bedroom, clutching my paws
You were so afraid we’d drift so far apart
You said you didn’t want me to ever leave
That you wanted to do everything to keep me around
I bet you applauded yourself for that one, Oscar worthy even
You can count me among those who fell for it

I know how much more stimuli you get now
From your new life with all the temporary high cads
But when your alone at night….
Who am I kidding? A girl like you is never fucking alone
A slightly fawning cough and they run up in miles
But lets say you could bring yourself to be alone once
Do you never flick thorough the blackbox
And remember the times you said you’d be there
The times you said it killed you to see me hurt
When I’m veiled top to bottom in sulking tears
With my arms covered in blood
Concealing the blade in my jacket pocket
Did you ever think that got any better with time?
Do you just not care anymore?
And if you don’t…. Tell me why?
What made you stop caring?
Weather or not I lived or died?
Why… What did I do? Why me?
Aren’t you worried about me? …Why?

I know I got more rancid as time went on
I arrived as a beacon of lost hope
And turned into a broken brake light
I got so much worse as time went on
I stopped trying to look any good
My hair got more shit and grim
I got so much more fatter
I stopped being someone you could show off
I kept feeling sick around your friends
Because how embarrassing it must of felt to be around me
I could never be like the ones you fawned over
Never be clean cut, Never be cute and nerdy, Never be a virgin
Was that a mistake when you first met me?
Did you smile start to drop when it dawned on you
The real me
The worse me
The fucking worse and worse and worse me
Wrong in every fucking capacity
Then why? What business did you have with me?
Tell me why? Just… Tell me why?
What’s happening to me?
Why me?

The Post Diagnosis Post-mortem

There’s no point stressing, there’s no point in crying
No need to cause any carnage, stir up any chaos
Because nothing you’ll find inside, will familiarize
Anything people used to recognize, has been recontextualized
No wayline leads you to anywhere you remember
I’ve said it before in a poem, and it bears repeating
While it’s nice to learn ‘how’ your cogs work
But I could’ve done without ‘why’
Like a switch to a tinted lense filter
I question the beauty previously seen
Actions of bravery, once redeemed
When taken upon malicious sirens
The sort cherry picked to do you harm
Well ‘harm’ as maybe once interpreted
Because I don’t feel very heroic anymore
Infact like a pretentious student film
It turns out I’m the one who’s all wrong
Taking a bedding of serenity and security
And throwing it out to the casualty list
The hypocrisy of the hateful approach
Tying myself to the train tracks when I’m the driver
I just wanted you to care, with a care in the world
But care can’t thrive in the danger zone
And shit, am I ever in danger now
It didn’t have a name and a face before
But if only I knew then what I know now
We could’ve both solved the mechanics inside

Ode To Crush Poetry

Oh my darling little fallback, if not you then who?
I know it’s been a while since I wrote about you
In the millions of your easy to emulate forms
Long divisions of calculation to respect my current contract
Or little sugar bites of those who I chase to break that contract
Oh what one of two could I scribe down this week

I don’t mean to disrespect what you’ve given me
My baby steps, my identity
My heart smeared on my dinner plates
Oh and I know we could be good still
But the puppa’s gone, kick down the cage and got out
We’ve persevered so much together, but the wars done
I need you as much as you need me
And I know you don’t need my broke-ass life
Flooding Tumblr with more shite then before

It’s been a gas but I gotta find more to scribe
Like my existence, my tremors, my ideals
Something a little more permanent to leave behind
Then another crush poem about a theoretical idea
Of half a person I reckon of from behind a text message
Who’ll end up fucking me off before I’ve written the last line
Oh how!? Can I crush when my hearts flat!
And fresh out of heart to give
Any more crushed and it’ll be a replacement credit card
And over what? Two-bit identity queens who’ll drop you
Oh no more crush poetry, no more crush poems
On people that don’t deserve a second of my time
Much less the value of my immortality

Oh crush poetry, we’ve been through so much
You’ll be my only high school sweetheart for sure
But my little hearts out of bruises to take
My romantic calculations need to be more precise
Much less for you, but for my sanity
You deserve a lot better then what I’ve become
But there’s no shortage of heirs to the throne
Hearts falling hard, every single day
I know I’ve left you in capable hands
Hands of those with gallons of innards
Just waiting to be crushed

So Ugly (I Am) [W.I.P]

It’s okay to feel secure right?
To enjoy all the confectionery of your romance
To rest on the foundations we’ve made together
There’s no chance of being usurped
BUT FROM THE LEFT! ZWAP! POW! SWISH!
HOLY FUCK!
You never see it coming a blow to the body
A strike to your face, and sneer from the shadows
And suddenly it all comes raining down
Someone’s stolen your love, no it’s even worse
You never had a love to lose in the first place
It can’t be I couldn’t of lost it all
Not to a kilobyte of spectlyte, anti socialite, vomit inducing, gargoylyte

But you’ll find that the biggest victories
Come from the unlikeliest of places!

YOU! Oh get a load of you, your entire being optimizes
All those autistic mannerism, aspects, stereotypes
I de-fragmented out of my systems!
You, the collection of things I hate about myself
You used them against me, left me swaying to and fro
You’re the MVP, you’ve taken the jackpot home
You can’t of won you version 1.0 digitalyte
A post patch pansy, boretisitc snorzamel

But you’ll find that the biggest victories
Come from the unlikeliest of places!

A bleeding sandbag, a colourful corpse
That’s the state you left me this Monday morning
Dragging my tails from the London bridge
On a one way ticket, on my carriage heading up Nowrich
He got me good that fuckwading shit stained kitted jumper toting dweeb
That predictable app-uling swallowing, belenginiring dork
That limp amateur hour, hormone deprived, second class Jiggalo
That one note, deaf tone, flatline to everyone’s summer jam
That crocodile smiling, reptilian skinned, asphalt of a man
That stuAAARRGGHHH I CAN’T FUCKING TAKE IT!

I know that the biggest victories in history
Come from the unlikeliest of places!
But if I’m a Blue Ribbion to his Crunchie Bar
Then what am I?
Something so awful it can’t be describe

A deafening silence, that’s what I am
And that’s worse then anything I could call anyone
That’s worse then nothing

He’s Not Always Like This

You’re not the only thing in your orbit anymore
But you’d never catch that with a still life of us
Sullen eyebrows and penny drop silences
Hypnotised spouses and distress signals
I try to break through the atmosphere with choking
Inquires and concerns squeeze through a closed windpipe
But I get the feedback of a crackle in a crash site
We’re joint at the hip, but I’m so alone

I make the same impact entering your vicinity
That a knock knock joke makes at a funeral
The disinterest is making me dip dye into madness
Nothing baits it more then your own thoughts echoing off the wall
I need to start taking chemistry on the side
Cos I don’t know which formula hidden in the air
Turns my cries for help into a defensive reaction from you
Each outstretched arm like a knife in your hide
Each yearn for affection; a threat to your precarious ego
Not when your bacon is smeared on these support beams
The change of oil, scented candles, a premium dota account
Like fuck should I dare take that way from you
So I guess I’ll sit back and take in the atmosphere
We locked ourselves in here, but I’m still so alone

I just really like you
About as much as you’ve become sick of me
I keep liking you more and more
Maybe at the same rate of you become weary of me
We’re on route to be betrothed, but I’m so alone

I miss giving rasberries on your neck
I miss tickling the inside of your palms
I miss neglecting the stars for a full view of you
I really like you, but I’m so alone

Now I have no idea where I am
Leaving a leeches impression on his neck
Leaving a tally with my nails on the toilet cubical
I feel weird
My skin feels like it’s peeling off my arms
As he runs his fingers down my silhouette
My spit feels foreign, My tears feel like waste
And as I whisper worship to him, he breathes life into me
I don’t know him and he can do it, anyone can
Anyone who isn’t you can breathe life into me
I don’t like him, but now I feel I’m in reality again
I feel so weird

I can’t stand missing you, when I see you everyday
I reek of substance and perspiration
But it’s still not enough to raise an octave out of you
A nod, a twitch if I’m lucky, and then back to null
I feel super weird, I feel like I wanna die
I take his 50 and your old parka
I take anything I call my own into a bag
I dodge tear stains and haste together a cliff note
“Fuck you
Anyone could do it and you choose not too
Just fuck you!”
I jump into his car and make a dive out of your field
You’re the only thing in your orbit now
But did you even notice anything different
Can anyone else do it too?
Now I’m across the toll booth
I feel so fucking weird
Now I’m really alone
And now I don’t know what I feel…

October Poetry Month 1/31

If Only I Could Overcome The Social Stigma and Ask If You’re Okay

What a sight for sore eyes, right smack in the middle of a birthday due
It’s been an Autumn and a Winter, since I caught wind of your silhouette last
A lanky young marsupial perched over in the corner of the bar
Leaking from the ears in dark ale from the latest special offer
Entertaining two mysterious characterise you might of called darling
Desperately scrambling in your pockets for the antidote
That might keep this conversation from dying
With very minimal success

The blood in your veins runs thinner, to make room for the booze
You could tell by the 3rd glass of JD that slipped through your fingers
And found it’s way in segments onto the dancefloor
You dodge the bouncers gaze like it was choreographed
Demand in slurred tongue they play Last Nite again
You shoot a look my way every now and then
I can see you visibly wince when you saw me in his arms
And soon after you disappeared out the door

Then it hit me like a ton of history revision books
Tomorrow was a dire date indeed to remember
It was when your beloved Empress departed from our planet
Suddenly all your movements became see through
Something, anything to wake up to on that horrible morning
To clutch you in their arms, to kiss you on the head
To tell you it’s all going to be allright
To offer you a tour of the arcades to take your mind of things

You were last seen slouched against the wall of V-Bar
Wiping your tears away with an empty bottle of Desperado
You moved your head like a periscope as if waiting for something
Checking your phone as every second passed as if your life depended on it
And with the way your cover up your arms
And the way you rubbed the inside of your legs
And how you massaged that scar on your throat
Who knows? Maybe it really did

Did I do this to you?
If I stuck around after you unlocked the cuffs
Could I stopped you getting this way?
I wonder as I find my way back to my home

Do You Hate Me?

That look of worry when you opens your eyes
See? She hates you
When you get out of my bed like a robot
See? She hates you
How you shrug my hand from your shoulder
See? She hates you
The way you hold that silent note
See? She hates you
That way you carry yourself down the stairs
See? She hates you
When you show my lips your cheek
See? She hates you
When you don’t say you’ll see me again
See? She hates you
And I’m just left waving to the door
See? She hates you

It never hurts as much as it does then
When you know they’re glad to be out of your door
Your love notes became a lot more dry since then
Devoid of letters or a personal touch
Using an efficient lack of words as you could
All to give the doggy his bone, not cos you wanted too
No explanation, no warning of what I did
I just wanted to hold you through out the week
All I ever did was try to make you feel my affection
But no she hates you

That’s just the way the dating game goes
She’ll come to hate you
Atoms clash at an alarming rate
She’ll come to hate you
We’ll share memories in the taxi
She’ll come to hate you
You’ll drain me of sensual ecstasy
She’ll come to hate you
But they always grow to hate you
She already hates you

Just Four Words

I feel like anything I’ve claimed to have cherished
Is slowly sieving through my fingers like sand
Their’s no place to call my home
Their’s no person to call my own
Laying on a loaned mattress in a loaned domain
I feel like the batteries aren’t included now more then ever
I have no idea what was going through my mind
When I picked up the only thing keeping our door ajar
And against any intelligent thinking
Send you a message of just four words

Just four little words to let you know
You still come into my thoughts every now and then

What a massage to a broken ego our time was
In the company of those who would call me worthless
You let me know my words captivated your heart
In the company of those who would call me incapable
You made me feel like I could be a real man
In the company of those who would call me detestable
You grabbed me from the public eye so I could be all yours
Just four words to tell you how much that meant to me

Just four little words to let you know
How much I could use your company right now

When you get my little fortune in your cookie
What exactly will happen?
Will you drop the ban you’ve placed on yourself
And get the first method of transport to my house
Knock on the door exactly three times
And lay your arms around me in an embrace
Tell me you never meant anything by it
And that you want to make up for lost time

But probably not
And the guarantee we’ll never cross paths ever again
Will only grow stronger like a gaping chasm
Now I’ve sent you those four little words

Just four little words to let you know
I’m still thinking about you
Just four little words
I really miss you

*Written For National Poetry Month – 27/30*