And They/Them Undid It All

[ CW: Transphobia, Ableist slurs ]

To think all it took was They/Them
Two single syllables was all it took to dismantle a timeline
They/Them vetoes years of our time
It still leaves me shook how abrupt the effect was
You couldn’t even bring yourself to hold me
As I mourn on the anniversary of my mother’s passing

They/Them undoes holding my hand down Forrest
Comparing our spoils from the capsule machines
People watching from the park benches
They/Them undoes trying to squeeze in time
During a school night hiding in Gratham’s backstreets
With your hands up my shirt, cigarette in mouth
They/Them undoes kissing the back of your neck
All the way down to your backside
While illuminated by the Itallian sun
People tell it’s been far too long to still be mad about it

You’re damn right, it’s been a year and a half and I’m still mad
I tried to sit on these feelings to get this verse just right
But time after time I find, that I just get more mad
When it dawns, all the little ways you’re still hurting me
Cos last night when I walked towards you at Royal Centre
Was the same night I couldn’t reach out to the woman I adore
She was calling out for me under the fluorescent lights
I couldn’t bring myself to lend her an ear

All because of the things you taught me during our time
That you can’t trust when someone says they care for you
That everyone’s love for you is conditional
That people can look you dead in the eye
Spin a lie that you’re the one that makes them high
Only to find out they were seeing through you the whole time

What ever happened to our time huh?
What happened to me being a consideration huh?
What happened to splitting the bill for the wine
On Autumn nights in central London
As you look me in the eye and tell me
How you thought it was so sad I didn’t see a future for myself
That you wanted to give me one yourself
That you wanted to have my kids one day
That you didn’t want to see a future without me
Fuckin’ They/Them undoes all of that huh?

So sorry about upending all our plans
Yeah it matters you won’t respect that I’m trans
Taking out all your bullshit out on me
Just because you never learned any tolerance
We’re not here to take the bullet for you
Just cos you wanna stay in the closet
Just cos you don’t wanna process your dysphoria
Yeah I wash my hands of it, it’s not my problem anymore
Die a miserable cis women for all I care
I could’ve talked you through it
Could’ve talked you through all your feelings
We could’ve started you on your best life
But you wanna destroy that you see in yourself
As you’d rather stop anyone from being themselves
Just cos you don’t wanna admit your own feelings

Well fuck you, I’m not gonna downplay myself
I’m a nonbinary, traumatised, gay as fuck spastic
I’m at full power now, I’m not gonna be quiet
I’ve never been happier in my own skin
I found the family who takes care of me
I found the lover who sees the enby in front of them
To which They/Them makes us stronger
Meanwhile you’re stuck lying about your life
I pray this is the last thing I ever write about you
I just recall you like a cringe schoolyard anecdote
Cos you’re a disgrace to the culture
A disgrace to Polyam folks
A disgrace to Kiwi’s worldwide
A disgrace to Autistics everywhere
I’m embarrassed I ever knew your transphobic ass
Fuck. You.

Sebastian Noël

I Don’t (Self) Care

Everytime I have the gall to feel dissatisfaction
At the cataclysmic pass rate I’ve achieved
That familiar little advice pops into my inbox
The one that implies little confidence is elixir
That unlocks all your widest dreams and reels them in
And makes all forms of loneliness redundant
Of course there’s a little summant in that
But I’ve been stargazing over the past few nights, and I wonder…

Is it so bad that It gets a little exhausting at times?
I know, lift your head high and all that
Take it from me: I’ve mastered the art
Of a love so selfish; Narcissus would blush
But it’s still a blow to your entire life
When your baby grimaces at your whole being

Cos it’s not the isolation that stings
That’s a wound well and truly self-inflicted
I’m not broken up about breaking up either
It’s the idea I’ve gone diving with the sharks again
And for the all the gashes and cuts, I’ve come up cheap
First Gold, then pounds and now merely pennies

It’s that feeling that years of love won’t protect you
From your special one treating you like chewing gum
Just something to be spat out, when the flavours unfamiliar
They’ll listen to enough whispers in the grapevine
Start to see your low maintenance in incredible highs
Start to tickle your guilt: For the unforgivable sin of being

No matter how intense our love had been
No matter the years of memories and affection we’ve built
It can all come undone in a matter of minutes
Cos my autisticness starts to become noticeable
Cos after a bad day, my disorders are too intense
“Why can’t you perform these ultimately inconsequential
Social acts exactly the same as everyone else?”
That’s an easy one: Cos no one’s cared before you honey

That’s the part that really starts to sting
Where a soap opera really turns into a tragedy
You can make yourself better if you’re an arsehole
You can spruce yourself up if you’ve gotten in a rut
But how does one feasibly address a review like that?
Time and time again romance only serves to prove
You’re only good for a temporary pit stop
A source of thrill and spills, before it’s back to work
Cos no one like you is forever

So my god, how I got self love in abundance
I got time for a staring contest with my reflection
But the fact I gotta reserve so much love from myself
Cos there’s no chance I’m getting any from my lovers
I daydream of the day that love comes with no drama
With someone who doesn’t wince at my neurology

Is it really an exercise in the art of surrender
To admit it leaves you tired every now and then?
Leaves you feeling an extra stone or two?
And after the fact, the idea of swimming for the social climate
Just to find another lover who leaves with a gag
After their vision starts to focus on who you really are?
Oh it just leaves me feeling a little tired is all
Makes me wanna take the summer off
And catch up on all the sleep I’ve missed out on
But of course that just delays the issue
So tell me how hard do I have to love myself?
Until someone sees that summant in me that I see
And how many people do I have to let down before I get there?

Sebastian Noël

Monster

I just wanted this to go like a theme park film roll
Snapshots of red cheeks, red berry slush in hand, golden rays dropping down
But then I had to go try putting you on the throne
Treating you like you got my six, not like the number 66, heading up Highwoods
For a picnic and walk under the canopies, oh please caress me under the trees
Take me for a meal, have me like mac and cheese, in front of the bees
Oh yes that’s how it were meant to be, but I started to think you my destiny
Oh that didn’t go down very well you see

Like cramming a cylinder in a square pocket
It started going wrong immediately
What do you mean you don’t fit in someone else shoes?
You mean to say not anyone can slide in comfortably?
Especially when your more Buttercup then Blossom
And your a stranger in Ballamory, but a local in Gotham

If only it stops right there
The reactive squirm after your nostrils hit that curdled milk
But when you tend to an open wound with another round of booze
I suddenly start to feel like I’m sharing the room with a Dybbuk

1 year, 2 year, 5 years isn’t enough apparently
To stop suspecting I’m on a receiving end of a coup
The moment you stop acting like a mirror I get suspect
“You’ll never trust anyone” you cried, and love, you might be right

I’ve role-played this night a million times
But I always play impostor with my feminine side
I think it could result in my Christabell
With an image of a poor young thing stuck in hell
I thought it might garner me some sympathy
Maybe people would start listening to me
Instead their disgust triggers my mania
All thanks to this cursed genitalia

But I’m seeing that I don’t deserve it, to be fair
Now when I’m on the receiving end of a terrified stare
Hand clutched to my phone, finding anyway to not be here any longer
I dunno how I’m looking to you guys, but to her I’m a clear monster
I’ve treated standing my ground like dropping an atom bomb
When a simple enquiry would’ve gotten the job done

Now it’s a matter of time till your gone
Till you’ve found a laid back yokel in Beeston
And when it’s 2024 and I’m down the community hall
With my new flame, who can take care of me no matter the fall
I’ll be pining for the low stake weekend away
Wild nights in the hostel restroom, by the end of the day
And when we stumble in two hours late for the poetry due
What’s the bet I’ll start getting them to wear your old shoes?

Sebastian Noël

FP

You’re
sick of hearing about it
I’m sick of thinking about it
Like a prefix, a disclaimer
Painting a context over everything
Everything I say, think or feel
Getting nostalgic doesn’t even feel good no more

I just
remember the plan; buzzwords spiking my drink
Being treated like an asset, an elixir, a cure
Like your pleasure, isn’t my pain
Like your familiar, isn’t my nightmare
So when people politely suggest to me, like Eureka
As if they’ve clocked on why the raven’s like the writing desk
That I just forget them, take my mind off ‘em, quick snap
Jesus Christ, as I jump out of my chair, Einstein walks among us!
But common sense and logic doesn’t have a stake in this conundrum
People gotta think I’m nursing a cocktail as the sun goes down
Time travelling to 2010 with comforting sigh
As if it’s welcome, as if it’s not involuntary
As if it doesn’t intrude at the worst of times
Times when I should be basking in the wealth of the present
But it’s logical too me, like I left a part of me behind
I’m shivering, the draft’s going through a hole in my soul
It’s that estrangement feeling, like a kid yearning for its parents
It’s that logical, that ingrained, it’s an auto-pilot feeling
When I’m back in control of course I steer away
It’s why I fear the idle thoughts like the bogeyman
Cos do you think I’d feel any better if that void got filled?
I didn’t forget the toxic shit that used to be there
The way it’d twist my mind, it’d leave my feelings behind
The way it made me feel ugly, the way it turned me into a freak
Filled to the brim the prose they used to whisper in my ear
Like “I regret dating a spastic like you”, straight out of
Shakespeare

I know
you’re sick of hearing it
I know you’re sick of them coming back like a bad sequel
I’m sick of it, sicker than I’ve ever been
So please just set aside a little prayer for me about it
Cos I wanna stop thinking about it too
But I can’t escape my favourite of all time
Cos when the anniversary creek’s it ugly head
On the 29th of the year’s tail end
I start thinking about my favourite person
But thinking about ’em’s my least favourite thing

Sebastian Noël