Good mummys are supposed to teach their son’s nice things
How to be kind, How to fight against the bullies
But to think about how you taught me to think
Drags like paralysis of the perception
You taught me bruises where kisses
Taught me slurs are disguised love letters
Like when he strolled in and asked “why are you such a freak?
Why aren’t you outside like the normal boys!?”
I cried into your arms, you said you’d have a word
Bet you never did, did you?

He would stroll in from work the next evening
And your title changed to a punching bag
Though you moaned, you obeyed
Because he’d love you through materials and apologies
Yeah bet you proper loved that
Never mind how the spawn interpret that one ey?

Even when you left us the hypocrisy continues
Not content with just life, you deal a blow beyond the grave
On a 2 for 10 from Paperchase you leave me behind
The condescending memoirs of an ashamed parent
You ask I do what I want? Not what I can?
You tell me to break out and be more independent?
Then in the next breath tell me I’m too spastic to do so?
That I can’t get my degree and make it on my own?
“Your condition” “You did well for having your condition”
What the hell’s that supposed to mean?

And your lessons are the cause of it all
It’s those norms I embody during my weakest times
When I let the narcissist do to me what he did to you
Take me apart wire by wire, node by node
And take away everything that was anything inside of me
Install the notion that I’m no better then scum
And put me back together again like brand new
Why question it hey? It’s the only love I’ve ever known

I think of those lessons when I crave the aggression
A connection’s not real if she’s not at my throat
“Do what you can! Not what you want!”
Makes me recall the background soundtrack
To school nights spent cowering in my room
As unwashed dishes crash against the wall
Cos that’s love right? That’s totally normal right?
Letting someone call you an embarrassment?

I think of those lessons at the end of drunken nights
When I keep my mouth shut and let it go
Even after telling her I want to stop
And her legs tighten around me
With no intention of release
And she says “A real man would keep going”
“Without complaining, without consent”
Cos no matter what they do they still love you right?
No matter how deep the cut, it’s out of love right?

Does this sound a little psychotic to you?
To be beaten, trashed and violated
And take it all with a smile and a step?
Well mummy dearest I learnt it all from you!
It’s all your fucking fault
All of it leads back to you
You killed me inside before I even began
I hate you so much, but I’d never let it on
Cos they’ve all made you untouchable
“Poor little saint, taken from us too early”
Not early enough, I’m glad your finally gone
Cos where you are now, you can’t hurt me anymore

It’s gonna take me an age or two
To unlearn all the things you taught me
But I’ll come out the other side better
And I’ll teach myself, to love thyself, for the first time

Lnc0