I Wish Someone Told Me

I don’t know you, know if I’ll ever know you
Know if you’d ever wanna now me too, but dear you regardless
Cos I see you, my brothers and sister of the same mind
With your head 40 degrees up and your eyes another 40 down

I know the world feels alien, more and more each day
No matter the time you clock in, it never gets less cryptic
You always feel like your just a few steps out of time
And your peers look more like aspirations then reflections

But it doesn’t mean as much then you think it does
Ya’ll probably sick of being told that, but damn it’s true
That’s coming from a fellow spastic, no condescending here
That stepping in line doesn’t afford you the magic key
The key to make normal conversation: Nah
The key to feel belonging in a room: Nope
The key to streamline the life stream: Hell no
There’s no shortcut, but you weren’t heading that way anyways

I wish when I were young; another aspie was around
To give me permission to feel, like I was okay
Okay to like the things you like, talk about what you like
And if anyone goes for the gag then they’re the cunt
If anyone’s got an issue with your excitement: Drop ‘em
Wish they told me that it’s not normal when people hone in on differences
The clothes you wear, the food you eat
The words you use, the things you like
To be so obsessed with your taste buds, your nerves, your time
That’s weird man, it’s on them not you

I wish someone was there to tell me sexuality isn’t a race
That virginity isn’t a stigma, not to hand it over to any two-bit
And that when you cross the finish line to keep an eye open
That people will exploit your naivety for their own gains
That they’ll tell you how you’re a pussy if you don’t let them in
Get you too drunk to consent, as there eyes light up
What dabbling in a little assault to make your ex jealous?
Wish I was taught to cover my ears
To those who say violence, sex and destruction is masculinity
To not surrender your body, your health to the malicious

Wish I was told to not keep a lid on my troubles
To not take “Oh you could never tell” as a compliment
You should be able to tell, that’s an embarrassment otherwise
We’re everywhere, some basic adjustment isn’t a luxury
Wish I was taught never to pass, was told my behaviour is uncomfortable
Fuck it, I’ll click my Rubix Cube, stick my tongue out when thinking
Info dump all the bullshit facts I can remember, pick my nose in public
If your irritated: Fuck you, you don’t get the grace of our company

Yeah, of course I know it now, I never let anyone trample on my toes
But like you it was terrifying getting there
So bothers and sister heed my words
Whether your killing time institutionalised, wasting on the dole
It’s a fucking brutal life for people like us
But the world is ours too, to live in not just survive till the grave
If people try and curb anything your proud off: Fuck ’em
If people wanna use your fears to recruit you: Fuck ’em
It’s you or fuck you, your time and life have value
No one gonna tell you that, so let me repeat myself:
Your life and time are the most valuable thing you have
And a million people are gonna tell you different
You’ll be the punchline, the meme, the anti
Well you drink their milkshake, encroach on their space
You tell them “You’re threatened by by me?”
And you walk knowing your stride’s worth 24k
No one will tell you, I know cos they never told me:
But you got the makings to be above human

– Sebastian Noël

Proud Spastic (W.I.P)

An interaction goes fine, proceeding streamline
But uh oh something’s amiss
I spoke too tactless, pronounced my ‘um’ too harsh
Place a ‘come on’ where it shouldn’t go
That’s all it takes for young minds to rage
For the olive to transform to a thorny rose
On the surface your fine, hey your just defending yo’ self
But better should’ve known then to talk to a retard right?
Well like your crocodile smile, the output don’t align
With the intention of inside being sublime
If you hear me out, I just wanna help man
But that’s an ear too much for ‘one of us’ I guess

Diagnosis on the rise, we’re gonna take over in our prime
It’s an epidemic in the USA, we’ll have to start to carry in time
Carry empathy, an extra beat, a shift in social attitudes
It’s a fucking PC nightmare I tell ya dude!
It’s in the food, it’s on the television
It’s in the water, it’s in the vaccines
Cut the vax, let the little Christian child shiver in his bed
Cos his mumma would rather he die then become one of us
Nah your right, bring back the penalty just for us
Missing the cue from that joke: Get the chair
Wall flowering at the party: Get the injection
Truly death is our only salvation

Oh it’s a slasher fic in my room
You guessed it, another NT gettin’ tetchy
Oh god the spastics out, proper blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
Well I ain’t gonna shy from no blah’s
I’m spastic plain and simple
And I won’t curb my tongue when I’m excited
I won’t sit still and bind in the corner
I repeat jokes, I spit when I pronounce my P’s
I miss the punchline, I misinterpret the word
I mistake being condescending for agency
I trip over my big-ass tongue every sentence
But if that’s your do or die, what’s that say about you?
Sorry I bring discord to your community
Sorry I put a kink in your perfect victim complex
Sorry I was born, and I promise I’m sorry I exist
But neither me nor any of us are going anywhere
But man you love us on the job right?
“You lot are good with computers right?”
“He comes in everyday and doesn’t complain”
Oh yeah THEN you can’t get enough of us, don’t need no cure
But when your one to one at the end of a coffee mug
And you realize you have to suppress the freedom on your tongue
Then it all goes out of the window don’t it?

Another scar on the arm, but no skin off my nose
I take my technicolour mind, and inspire on someone else’s time
I’ll create on someone else’s time
I’ll advise on someone else’s time
You can talk down to me on someone else’s time
Talk about me like an animal on someone else’s time
Like when the plastic activist raises a brow
“Is this spastic talking back to me?”
Like when masculinity erodes in my hands
“Is this spastic squaring up to me?”
Yeah this spastic make’s a point too
He’s got more to him then a stagnant shot straight mind
Shock! He knows the facts you need too
Shock! He can understand the opinion of others
Shock! He can socialize, hell even start a conversation
Shock! He can bring the charm if he chooses too
Out done by ‘one of them’, yeah you bet
I’ll forget more then you’ll ever know
My comment lands harder then your entire routine
I draw in, in the time it takes you to repeal
And you bet when I hit the sheets, it’s fucking Armageddon
While they Bambi to the phone to call in sick for work
They ask me how on earth I do me?
You know, I know, everyone should already know
It’s the same reason I cast the comments and scream it loud:
I’m a proud spastic!

Sebastian Noël

Pacifier (W.I.P)

Everything fine, but is that the danger?
It’s okay from a progressive standard
But it leaves him feeling a little mismanaged
The employee tag says devoted other
But I don’t think that’s what she sees
She can call him useless to Karen down the pub
But it’s all smiles and well wishes
When she gets home and prepares the roast

Getting onto month 5 on the dole
It’s no one’s fault in theory
When the agency feels like rolling the dice again
It’ll all be back to the normal for the lad
He’s not the kind of boy they keep an eye out for
Only to be given grace, never given a chance

Until then he’s left to monitor the ticks of the clock
For the time the nursing home loosens her cuffs
His heart gives rise at the sight of her
Her heart sinks as the side job merely begins
He can’t seem to get anything right
He can’t enjoy her cooking try as me might
He couldn’t remember the chores in time
He coudln’t remember her favourite colour
He struggles to find the right words to say
Every word he digs from his pockets go down awfully

Why doesn’t his brain work like everyone else?
Why can’t he just do these simple fucking things?
Why is he such a stupid fucking cunt?
The questionnaire that pushes past her fangs
His dream is growing callous working the machine
To keep his life in permanent stasis
Did her patience eroded over time?
Or maybe he just didn’t notice it was always like this
Her eyes uncover, a lover; pacified
The feeling that fastens over time, before his very eyes

Sebastian Noël

I’ll Let You Keep That False Sense Of Superiority

It’s coming up to 5 minutes past 3
And before us all the best holligan repelling bars
Are coming under lock down in front of our very eyes
My platoon has no choice but patrol the slums
The kind of bar filled with seedy salary man
The ones who turn a blind eye to personal boundaries
The kind of gross specimen I find side by side with my rendezvous
With a sigh I walk on over to be introduced

You then turn in my general direction
Tilt your head like you would a toddler
Carrying the burden of a hastily cast, plaster cast
And put on the pout on your lips
At the news of my autistic blood
You tell me how your so sorry
How that’s such a shame for me to be this way
How I’ve roll the dice and got snake eyes

I find that funny you would talk to me that way
Like a old fisherman’s pup, missing a hind leg
Because your not to know this, but me and your ex lady
The one you’ve been awkwardly gyrating on the dancefloor
Receiving the same reactions as an electric bill in the mail
Yeah we’ve been at it for the last month
You make comments about I can’t do things like the normies
Oh she doesn’t seem to think so not at all
Reading back the reviews it’s clear I’ve surpassed you
No I might not be the talkative lad at bars
Sometimes the washing up can be confusing
But is that really a price to pay for what I gain?
You won’t admit it but you’d kill to be me right now

*Written For National Poetry Month – 28/30*

Poor Daisy

I wish I could say it straight to you
Why I feel like I have to get behind the curtains
And then disappear in a splash of doves in front of your eyes
Why I bring attention to the flaws in my psyche
Only to keep the explanations under a timed unlock
Why I ripped out my hair, over the buzzwords in your greetings
Before acting like nothing had happened to following day
And I dismiss all the above with “You haven’t caught me on a good day”

But it matters not how much of a heart a gold Daisy has
A human can only tolerate so many questions thrown their way
Especially if someone’s ripped all the answers out from the back
Daisy stops making the effort to come and see me
Daisy stops telling me that she thinks the world of me
Daisy stops wanting me to hold her hand in the street
Daisy starts to detonate the dynamite whenever she can
Make the very earth around us shatter and sink into the ground
Puts me at the very forefront of domestic carnage itself
Daisy smashed my nose, Daisy smashed my copy Pokemon
Daisy slashed the ropes that kept this bridge hanging, Daisy slashed herself
All in thin hope she could goat me into something resembling a reaction
But as much as I rummaged in my pockets for a spare one, I couldn’t provide
All I could fine was a spare 3.50 in coppers and nuggets
Perfect to walk out the door and leave her self-destructing
In the pursuit for one more gin and tonic and maybe a pint of pale ale
And maybe if I keep pumping it into my body and rummage around my head
I could find something resembling an emotion, But I couldn’t find one

*Written For National Poetry Month – 26/30*

Failed Integration

Dear diary, it happened again
Society has shown me the back of it’s hand
And all I tried to do was coexist
Dear diary, it happened again
Society has spat on my brand new shoes
And all I tried to do was understand it

I tried to let my guard down again today
Attempting to slowly peel away
The years of perfecting the perfect persona
But like a moth to flame I never learn
I have no idea what it is I did
Now they’ve illuminated me with their bright red glares
It’s time to slink back away to the drawing board
And stitch together a new persona all over again

Do you see the bloody towels?
And the birthday gifts gathering dust?
That’s what’s left of your last attempt
To integrating with the everyfolk
An animal can only learn to mimic human mannerisms
No matter how convincing the mask and the dance
They can see right through you like jelly
The closer you get the harsher the kickback

Dear diary, it happened again
Society has shown me the back of it’s hand
And all I tried to do was not get in the way
Dear diary, it happened again
Society has spat on my brand new shoes
And all I tried to do was ask why it had to be this way

I’m all out of fight, I submit to your will
Just tell me what it is you want me to do
I’ll sit gag, bound and tied up by the hands
And you can pick me up by the strings
And make me act like everyone else
The type of person people are glad to see
A version of me that wasn’t born in this defective way
Maybe it’ll make them happy
Maybe it’ll make me happy…

*Written For National Poetry Month – 22/30*

It’s Hard To Watch People Squirm

Slumped with your pelvis pointing to the heavens
On a forgotten park bench underneath an oaks slouch
Caressed by the fog on a humid spring afternoon
I spot a familiar wince to trigger the mist in your eyes

There isn’t a grimoire in the land that could scratch the surface
Of the inner workings of the roulette wheel in your head
The one that decides how your going to see the world today
The one that despite all the drugs, steals control from your hands

Oh but I know that dice roll all to well
I was born with the same game of chance in my cortex
All I ever wanted was to let you know someone understands
I just wanted you walk the streets with a smile again

It was never an intention to be a pylon in your path
I just hoped maybe It’d steer you away from any more aches
But you just plough through me at top gear, as if I wasn’t there
Just to make your way to the next pothole to fall down

Oh how it ties my gut into a Shroud knot
When I see you shriek in pain from your pedestal
It’s an impulse to feel a twinge of guilt
Maybe I could’ve taken the bullet you aimed at your head?

What do I have to do to get your attention?
What do I have to do to not receive the palm of your hand?
I can’t be your distributor of impulses on the side
Is that all I could be for you to listen to me?

I never ment to make you cry
To make you lose your mind under the street lights
I just wanted to see these things though
I didn’t want leave you alone without knowing I tried

*Written For National Poetry Month – 16/30*