Confused For The Sake Of Being Confused [2016 Remake]

For a romantic debut, I think I could’ve done better
Just to think, nary 2 nights ago we were rolling in the mud
Exerting hot air with no substance to it what so ever
But does it matter? Two teeny bopers shooting the shit
Aiming nothing substantial to be immortalised in the stars
I can’t think of nothing more beautiful in hindsight

Such a cosmic contrast to a classic Essex bust up
Hanging on the thread of another request to be put on hold
Twiddling my toes, finding ways to kill time
While a flood of possibilities pass me by the roadside
Did you do it in the cubicles? Or in the cinema?
Fantastic ways to waste your time on the weekend
I’ve no doubt your trading sucker punches with another fella
Already a jab on it’s own, but the part that really stings
Is the confirmation that love wasn’t the motive to this crime
You just could, that’s it

I try to put it to the back of my mind
This is my first love, and maybe I just don’t know any better
Maybe everyone goes through this too! It’s just process
That’s the key I use to get out of this prison
I’ve curated for myself with absolute precision
With every imagine conjured up designed to incite anguish

So I get my coat and stroll out
The evening’s air has done nothing but aid me thus far
And then I’m greeted by a gorgeous sight
The sight of you patrolling the night with him round the bend
We exchange the looks
I want to scream out, but my mouths locked tight
It’s the restraints I used to lock myself back in the prison
But not before I turn my head to check what I had seen
To check that’s it’s really the end
It’s agony

So I’m back to serving my sentence
Except my imagination’s become fact
A buzz on the phone
The sounds of a moan
I think I knew it all along
But confusions a great delaying tactic ain’t it?

Lnc0

————————————————————————-

As hinted at above, this poem is a remake, infact it’s a remake of THE VERY FIRST POEM I EVER ‘PROPERLY’ WROTE. I’ve never posted it cos y’know Tumblr wasn’t a thing in my life in 2007, but here it is, written by 17 year old me in all it’s embarrassing glory:

By the time the moon has made the lap another 2 times
Your off slinging your hooks with some other guy
To think 2 rotations ago i was sure you was mine
But now i’m a victim of change and at the mercy of why

I wanna be at home and to go alone
I’m not sure anymore
From When to Who and Why and back to Where
I’m shrouded in doubt

Doubt that love was ever the motive behind this most henious crime

I’m strolling about the town again, to find a preaty sight
The sight of you and 2 other guys patroling round the bend
We exchange the looks;
sad in
glad out
but the mouths are shut tight
I turn my head for one last check, to check it’s realy the end

I wanna be close and i wanna be away
I’m not thinking anymore
I rush back home, but i’m feeling regret in confort
I’m left wanting more

So i sit here, on the night alone, only with a brew to call my own
A buzz on the phone
The sounds of a moan
Just please, i need a minuite alone

You can’t put me down for being mad for wearing this frown
It’s just that i can’t bealive i was up aginst half the fucking town

[17 year old] Lnc0

The End Of The 4 Nights Of Hell

I’ve been kicked out of heaven
But I don’t belong here in hell
And limbos such a fucking bore
So I guess I got to keep on living here

Looking back on it all, back on these 4 nights
I can’t even remember what I was even looking for
I waved my hand out to the crowd
Looking for another soul to grab onto
And I found them, I found more then you could know
So many that the boys looked at me with envy
But anything I caught a hold of crumbled in my hands
Like blood flowing through my fingers
And I could feel the critters crawl up my skin
Everyone seems to enjoy it, so why can’t I?
Absence cuts through my sanity like a knife
But that’s pocket change in comparison
To the fallout when suspect entities draw near
I’ll take fucking anyone, but anyone’s not good enough
And every night just collapses right in front of my eyes
And I’m the only one occupying my space
I tore the IV from my arm in order to be free
But now I’m out here with all the control in the world
I’m just counting the days to be bound again
And that’s a cycle no one wants to witness

I want to spend every second of clear time
To polish and perfect my little creations
Maybe if I finally made something of worth
The right people would gravitate towards me
If I finally learnt the bloody guitar
People would want to be around me
But I just spend that precious time earned
Staring at a series of menus and profiles
Begging again and again
SOMEONE PLEASE BREATHE LIFE INTO ME!
No matter how I pray into the void
Nobody came

Whatever god is pulling the strings on causality
Won’t you hear my pleas and cries?
Let me break the barriers of mortality
Let me sprout wings, let me take flight
Cos the pain of solitude gets more overbearing each day
And seeing people all round me, progressing faster and faster
Hand in hand, with someone who wouldn’t dare let them go
When they find my dead body, they’ll say it’s that what killed me
I’d love to become a coward, just give up on it all
But I have an obligation to the lives I’ve touched
They’re looking at me with expecting eyes
And I hate coming up empty handed everytime
What can I tell you man? I can’t stop crying every night
Unless someone comes in, grabs me by the hands
Kisses me on the head and promises everythings gonna be allright

But I know for now the cycles due again
So suit up, make yourself look nice
Cos here comes the next 4 nights of hell

Lnc0

A part of the ‘4 Nights Of Hell’

Dear Daddy

It’s just the kind of world we live in
I could transcribe a perfect line portrait
But even with all the evidence and testimonies
But alliance is a fucking bitch, fucking efffooorrttt

So this recap is just for myself
Cos everyone knows it, even if they choose to forget it
But I’m struggling for the words honestly
It feels like nature at this point
The birds sing, the wind blows
And your the embodiment of evil
Your voice makes me shudder
I can stand to have you in my sight
You’ll take out anyone so you’ll stay the victim
You’ll play kids of against each other
You know your worth nothing
So you’ll beat everyone down to beyond anything
So you can stay on the top billing
And you’ll hold her grave hostage to get your way

There’s no word for a evil so concentrated
Just know I hurt myself in some way everyday
To make sure I can bleed your gene’s out of me
To remake myself in any other image

Lnc0

The Contrast // The Fairy Tale

I’m in the wild, I’ve been seen, I’ve been admired
But it’s not enough to patch up this folding heart
Like a leopard behind the glass at the zoo
The eyes pry with no intention of crossing the panes
The smiles, the joy, the inspiration
But still in a solitary context

Boys and girls like avatars of deities
Appearing in forms mortals can hardly believe
Beautiful people as far as the eye can see
It’s enough to make a guy suicide-y

I wanna break the dividers with my bare hands
I wanna ask you every little thing
What things make up you?
What things make you so beautiful?
I want that feeling of being so hooked
Without the reality of the scope of what divides us
Every thought of the day being consumed
I’ll donate a few of the night too
Even if the road leads to a dead end
The way my heart flutters on the way defines
I just want someone to take this energy away
I just want a reason to stay alive

Boys and girls like subjects of mythology
Appearing in ways to shape our destinies
Beautiful people as far as the eye can see
It’s enough to make a guy suicide-y

I know that when night’s cloak covers this town
That’s when dividers break down
And we all revert back to animals
But the angels behind the glass from the daylight
Are nowhere to be seen, returning to the staircase above
Nothing so pure could make it as a creature of the night
We can only ever meet at arms reach away
Never to speak, never to see
If you could deliver to me ecstasy
There’s no hope for me, that definitely makes a guy suicide-y

Lnc0

A part of the ‘4 Nights Of Hell’ series

Dead

Kiss, cradle, sizzle sizzle
I can’t do anything to make you hate me
No achievement can elevate me
No enslavement makes me intimidate
I’ve lost all humanity In the gulf
The only thought that keeps me marching
Is the writhe, the pain, the agony
Taking every inch and transplanting onto you

They come in single file
I have to turn ‘em all away
Your not good enough for my scheme
You’ll hardly graze their arm with that shot
It’s really gotta get underneath their nails
The thought of us has got to cause unfathomable strain
Oh honey of course your the most beautiful thing
But it’s about more then that now

Your remorseless
Unabsolvable by any god or deity
You withdraw into the nest
Free of consequence or reaction
I wanna slip in through the cracks
Tear your bubble open
And consume you
As you see the level I’m operating at
You’ll start to feel regret
You’ll put someone above you for the first time
Just want you to feel that bullet hole
Regardless of weather or not it’s their

I just want you too feel dead
Dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead

Dead Like me

Lnc0

A part of the ‘4 Nights Of Hell’ Series

Dear Mother

Good mummys are supposed to teach their son’s nice things
How to be kind, How to fight against the bullies
But to think about how you taught me to think
Drags like paralysis of the perception
You taught me bruises where kisses
Taught me slurs are disguised love letters
Like when he strolled in and asked “why are you such a freak?
Why aren’t you outside like the normal boys!?”
I cried into your arms, you said you’d have a word
Bet you never did, did you?

He would stroll in from work the next evening
And your title changed to a punching bag
Though you moaned, you obeyed
Because he’d love you through materials and apologies
Yeah bet you proper loved that
Never mind how the spawn interpret that one ey?

Even when you left us the hypocrisy continues
Not content with just life, you deal a blow beyond the grave
On a 2 for 10 from Paperchase you leave me behind
The condescending memoirs of an ashamed parent
You ask I do what I want? Not what I can?
You tell me to break out and be more independent?
Then in the next breath tell me I’m too spastic to do so?
That I can’t get my degree and make it on my own?
“Your condition” “You did well for having your condition”
What the hell’s that supposed to mean?

And your lessons are the cause of it all
It’s those norms I embody during my weakest times
When I let the narcissist do to me what he did to you
Take me apart wire by wire, node by node
And take away everything that was anything inside of me
Install the notion that I’m no better then scum
And put me back together again like brand new
Why question it hey? It’s the only love I’ve ever known

I think of those lessons when I crave the aggression
A connection’s not real if she’s not at my throat
“Do what you can! Not what you want!”
Makes me recall the background soundtrack
To school nights spent cowering in my room
As unwashed dishes crash against the wall
Cos that’s love right? That’s totally normal right?
Letting someone call you an embarrassment?

I think of those lessons at the end of drunken nights
When I keep my mouth shut and let it go
Even after telling her I want to stop
And her legs tighten around me
With no intention of release
And she says “A real man would keep going”
“Without complaining, without consent”
Cos no matter what they do they still love you right?
No matter how deep the cut, it’s out of love right?

Does this sound a little psychotic to you?
To be beaten, trashed and violated
And take it all with a smile and a step?
Well mummy dearest I learnt it all from you!
It’s all your fucking fault
All of it leads back to you
You killed me inside before I even began
I hate you so much, but I’d never let it on
Cos they’ve all made you untouchable
“Poor little saint, taken from us too early”
Not early enough, I’m glad your finally gone
Cos where you are now, you can’t hurt me anymore

It’s gonna take me an age or two
To unlearn all the things you taught me
But I’ll come out the other side better
And I’ll teach myself, to love thyself, for the first time

Lnc0

Allright

No one’s allright are they?
Loving stares into the pine
Hit me with another JD shot
I’m so fucking bored
The kids are all so bored
Get anything inside me
To transmogrify this monotony
Into the start of my next biography

We’re all so frozen
Trapped in the clay that’s made us
But we wall want to feel it
The hooks of kinship
The drug of romance
But we’re just ourselves
So I’ll take another pint
And take my soldiers by the hands
It might not be what we want
But it’s what we asked for
Greeting Monday mornings shift
2 fingers to the sun
2 of our most treasured fingers to the sun

But we’ll be allright
You’re all so beautiful
You’re all the paradigm of youth
The path is long
But it’ll fly past
Especially once you get running
But it’s the wait
Oh god how it’s the wait
So raise your poison
And piss all the time away
We’ll be allright won’t we?
Yeah we’ll be allright

Lnc0

From the ‘4 Nights Of Hell’ series

What A Life

“Nice jacket”
As another hometown special flies down the gullet
Dictated by the throw of the die or the deal of the hand
I told ‘em “I need release, from the ails of the week”
“Ales you say!” as my glass is miraculously refilled
A few “I learned this from Leeds” cocktails get rationed out
As more of my best brothers and sisters add to the roster
“Hey I really like your jacket”
We ride the hearse into the roosters den
I feel like an Infant as I take my first steps on the pavement

What a life this is; objectively

We kick down the portcullis into the snake pit
“Dude that’s a sweet jacket”
As we screech an echo as “Can’t stand me now” hits the deck
Like the traveling karaoke no one asked for
We migrate to the garden of Eden
“Gotta say, you really suit that jacket”
Recounting the weeks fables like fisherman’s tales
I say “I tell you again I need some release
Feels like a canines life time I’ve been on the phone
Juggling referrals and appointments like they’re my kids
I don’t really know what that means, but I need to unwind”
As my moan comes to a close I swear I saw my future skirt by
We spoke standing on the pillars of artistic expression
I said “Your right no one talks about ideas anymore”
She said something about my jacket
Just as the chains on our hearts grew tighter and tighter
Lightning must’ve struck, cos in a flash she’s gone
Did anyone see where she went!?
Shitting fuck son of a twatting cunt!
Oh well, only takes a Kraken and coke later
And we’re screeching indie anthems again
“You gotta tell me, where’d you get that jacket?”

What a life this is; objectively

Better then what’s to come next
As we enter that foulest domain
Where decaying dregs cling onto their youth
By crying out 90’s throwaways
The kind you’d be embarrassed to tell your kids you remembered
At least another apple of my eye’s come into view
And she’s fawning for my attention
But in the most serial killer way
As her friend jostles my shoulders
Pushing me her way, as she turns her head
Flag’s raise until a sea of rouge covers the dance floor
She stays away, but continues to stare
I was never a man to cave to peer pressure
Never one to play the “Hard to get game”
Was I expected to? Just cos I’m a man?
And that’s what the sliver screen says we should do?
I’m a diamond in a Pog collection
If you want a part of me, you gotta reach out and get it
Am I not entitled to feel like a prize too?
Right now I feel like a Minotaur in a zoo
I take my brothers and sisters and vacate
I’m a glorious human before biology

What a life this is; objectively

We end on the soil, where all life began
And compare notes on this weeks crawl
Things can be shit indeed
But your putting the world to rights
Underneath the glistening sky
Y’know things really are allright?
And they’re right; This is a NICE jacket
So that’s allright

What a life this is; objectively

Lnc0

A part of the “4 Nights Of Hell” series

The Eyes

My adoring public
I can hear your calls loud and clear
And I promise I got all your nice letters and gifts
But something ain’t sitting quite right with me
I’m standing here in a coat of saliva
Reflecting of the strobe lights, the jazzy sonics
But the brain doesn’t feel any less at ease
The cancer of isolation is slowly taking it away
Cos I’m running on empty this night
And I dunno what it is I really need
Can I find the elation that only company can provide?
Can I find the worth to which only praise can comply?
Maybe the silhouettes shaking in the smog can set me free?
As one snaps back into reality and approaches me

She moves through the night like smoke
Pins me to the wall gagging for life like monoxide
Pythons running through my shirt
While she barks through forked tongues
The haze of your 5th rum intake
Translates the howls and barks more colloquially
“I want every atom and line of code
That created your being, all the time, every time”
But when your soul starts to radiate
As soon as you unleash the locks from your jaws
Will it decay the budding rose
Will your verse turn into pesticide?
Her claws try to relax the buttons of your jeans
But does she really care about what’s inside?

You defragment and collect yourself in another scene
But try as you might you can’t escape it
The eyes undress you, they molest you
They grow in numbers as they surround you
Your so beautiful, the most prettiest thing they’ve seen
But your just beautiful, just the prettiest thing
And the panic starts to set in
The anxiety really starts to rev up
You dunno what it was you ever wanted
But you’ll never find it here
You die inside, you just want to cry
Your soul starts to quiver and freeze
What is that you’ve done?
Do you really even know?

Lnc0

From The ‘4 Nights Of Hell’ Series

Angels Only Serve To Aggravate

You can hear them praying now
When cracks appear on their rose tinted lens
“Why can’t girls around her be nicer!?”
Written on the slip in their right hand
With a rum and coke in the left
But taste the salt in their tears
When Principalities do descend from above
They’re nicer, they show you boys grace
But that can never change the fundamentals
That the divine are destined to abandon the sinners

God bless the angels, that only serve to aggravate

No amount of divinity can change
A tight locked schedule for the planet
Rapture’s right around the corner
What’s a poor Cherubim supposed to do?
Too nice to tighten the grip on his heart
Knowing it has to loosen someday
Too nice to indulge his curiosities
When accession’s clearly off the cards
That’s the epitome of kindness
That’s the meaning of courtesy
But clearly they’ve missed the memo of that one
Cos all it does is piss a heathen off

So god bless the angels, that only serve to aggravate

Lnc0