I Still Got It

I still got it, got it, got it
Half a year on and I still got it
Still got that euphoria
Stemming from a more balanced wardrobe
From when the aesthetics keep people guessing
Even when catching the war gaze
Still got it, got it
Always had it, only now getting it
Finding the real me, only now just grabbing it
That hole in my soul, only now just filling it

But what I had to do to get it
My love, my mind, my status: All gone
Lovers saw the path, didn’t wanna walk
Say they love us, but couldn’t love me as one of us
Staring down the chambers, from every form of print
Reeling to see old friends, hesitate to lend to a hand
What else are they thinking? But never thought to say
Cos it wasn’t relevant, now it’s fucking relevant
Nothing to distract, from daily onslaught
Little fun with some company, notion long lost
All the smiles, turn into wretches of disgust
Liked better when they could squint, act like I was a man
Now they gotta see me, they don’t wanna know
My love, my mind, my status: All. Fucking. Gone

But there’s no way I’m gonna lose it
Not when I worked so hard to get it
It’s just a long process to wait
For everything in your life so far
To shrivel up, mould away and die
So summant better can take it’s place

Sebastian Noël

I Got It

I think I got it
At 14 zoning out on the knoll
Thinking about how there’s no magic coming
My bodies on a set course from now to oblivion
No magic spell to cross the binary is coming
And nothing made me more sad then that

I think I got it
I never would’ve assumed so
I suppose I was unhappy with myself
Until my body started resembling an unwelcome guest
Maybe I just never gave it much thought
I let people paint and put a name on it
When they craved hair like an indicator
Not talking about the mop on their head
Talking about the hair that solidifies chromosomes
“I know you hate it but why would that matter?”
Yeah I really let them have their way
Threw away my ‘me’ and let the wolves fight it out
No reason to complain right? I had it good
Different girl on my mattress every month, good right?
Getting the clout of my peers, it’s good right?
Sex, fame and a living wage, that’s good right?
Knocking back 12 shots just to cope, that’s good right?
Crying in the mirror, that’s the good shit right?
Screaming for help but no one listening, that’s good right?
Saving none of your love for yourself, that’s the good shit yeah?
I had what they wanted, it never looked like suffering
So no one ever lent a hand, just let it all slide
Why’s that? I know why’s that
That’s why I think I got it

Yeah I got it
But I thought soon after does it matter?
Yeah I got it
Can’t everything I wanted to be, can’t it be done as me?
Yeah I got it
It matters plenty it turns out
Yeah I got it
Every time they only saw what they wanted
Yeah I got it
When they saw a monster in their spaces
Yeah I got it
No, when they saw a monster in MY spaces
Yeah I got it
They ask me to take on my guilt
Yeah I got it
No, they ask me to take on another’s guilt

Yeah I got it
When I tell them I’m not of their number
But they don’t care, they got a bone to pick
Man man man, they gotta throw down hands
They know a man when they see one
And it makes me feel like shit cos I got it
Cos nothing makes me more ill
Cos it makes me wanna tear my skin off
Rip my organs out and rearrange them
In a way where they’ll start to see me
Do I wanna? No, but it’s like I gotta
Cos I got it, but they have to see I got it
I got the scars but, nah I ain’t got it
Somedays I feel like one way, so I don’t got it

Fuck you, I got it
I always liked it when the praise was contradictory
Yeah I got it
“I wish I had your eyelashes, your nails grow so quick”
Yeah I got it
Skin softer then satin, lips swollen like allergies
Yeah I got it
The hair on my head: My greatest asset

The things that get me jealous
The freedom of that beauty
The attention demanded en masse
And the pit of knowing it’ll never be mine
Fuck what your eyes see: I got it
Just cos I didn’t express it in a one piece dress
Cos I’m on that dungrees or Parka and leggings ting
Doesn’t mean I don’t got it
Fuck what your eyes see; I belong here
We share the same energy: Get over it
Someone that looks like me has got it
Yeah I got it

Sebastian Noël

FP

You’re
sick of hearing about it
I’m sick of thinking about it
Like a prefix, a disclaimer
Painting a context over everything
Everything I say, think or feel
Getting nostalgic doesn’t even feel good no more

I just
remember the plan; buzzwords spiking my drink
Being treated like an asset, an elixir, a cure
Like your pleasure, isn’t my pain
Like your familiar, isn’t my nightmare
So when people politely suggest to me, like Eureka
As if they’ve clocked on why the raven’s like the writing desk
That I just forget them, take my mind off ‘em, quick snap
Jesus Christ, as I jump out of my chair, Einstein walks among us!
But common sense and logic doesn’t have a stake in this conundrum
People gotta think I’m nursing a cocktail as the sun goes down
Time travelling to 2010 with comforting sigh
As if it’s welcome, as if it’s not involuntary
As if it doesn’t intrude at the worst of times
Times when I should be basking in the wealth of the present
But it’s logical too me, like I left a part of me behind
I’m shivering, the draft’s going through a hole in my soul
It’s that estrangement feeling, like a kid yearning for its parents
It’s that logical, that ingrained, it’s an auto-pilot feeling
When I’m back in control of course I steer away
It’s why I fear the idle thoughts like the bogeyman
Cos do you think I’d feel any better if that void got filled?
I didn’t forget the toxic shit that used to be there
The way it’d twist my mind, it’d leave my feelings behind
The way it made me feel ugly, the way it turned me into a freak
Filled to the brim the prose they used to whisper in my ear
Like “I regret dating a spastic like you”, straight out of
Shakespeare

I know
you’re sick of hearing it
I know you’re sick of them coming back like a bad sequel
I’m sick of it, sicker than I’ve ever been
So please just set aside a little prayer for me about it
Cos I wanna stop thinking about it too
But I can’t escape my favourite of all time
Cos when the anniversary creek’s it ugly head
On the 29th of the year’s tail end
I start thinking about my favourite person
But thinking about ’em’s my least favourite thing

Sebastian Noël

Milkssshhaaaakkke (2018 edit)

Milkshaaaake
The only way to start the day
A spike of vanilla on the Tuesday
A burst of strawberry on the following day
The hints of honeycomb in my molars
During Thursdays 2 for 1 special
The thought is only thing keeping me awake

Milkshaaaaaake
Me and the Bea and the Shake
Chillin’ on the park as the sun goes down
Looking into her mocha eyes, straw in mouth
Never wanting this moment to end
And when it does I’ll go back to the diner
Then I’ll get another one, maybe with extra cream
She says she doesn’t wanna go back all that way
So I tell her the way home and “see you later”

Milkshaaaaaaaake
It’s always on my mind
The sensations are sublime
When I’m working my mind goes idle
Always wondering back to the same place
Table for 1, alone on a Friday night
With my favourite kind of company
An Ed’s Baileys deluxe shake
My eyes get introduced to the tears
As I gaze on that perfect chrome shine
Did god weep when you feel from heaven?

Milkshaaaaaake
Oh lawrdy now I’m craving
If I lay you down back at mine
And serve you up the triple pop
Will you give me your spare change
So I can afford a Baked Alaska?
Geeez it’s the least you can do

Milllkkkkyysshhaakkeeyyy
I let it dictate my personality
It’s become my identity
All my strife and struggles in life
Forgotten once I hit the grave
“Aaah that guy and his milkshakes” they’ll say
As my family and friends gather in droves
Pour a bottle a Yazoo on my grave
Place flowers in empty Friji bottles

Milshaaaaake
The only reason to live
Spread it on your cornflakes
Use it as your bath water
Inject it into your medicine
My beacon of hope
The light of my life
My comfort, my delicacy
My oxygen, my gold and riches
You find it funny but I’m not laughing
My empire has a Strawberry syrup scent
Your notion of power is implanted
Your view of gluttony isn’t from your eyesight
Pleading for pussy and power? Please
Procure me a Pistachio Plus Special
Cos as the world crumbles around us
Its the closest thing I’ve come to peace
The cost of living doesn’t stop rising
People dying on the streets more everyday
Our government succeeding in killing the poor
And they got their eyes on the disabled next
The earth is succumbing to the wrath of nature
Entire countries wiped out in hurricanes
Life is coming up to that final act
Each second soaring up in value
But no matter what they do, not matter what they say
They can never take your milkshake away

– Sebastian Noël

Adventures Of The Friendzone

You may adore me, but I feel like going psycho
So do you mind if I just put you in the friendzone?
The comfort of romance and the thrill of affection has it perks
But sometimes a guy just wants to show someone the cheat sheet
Friends don’t care how I’m doing, Family doesn’t care how I’m doing
You probably don’t care how I’m doing, but I wanna play pretend
So in the friendzone you go, cos I want go psycho
I’m Sally, you’re the brick wall, just want tell you it all
You want get intimate, I want tell you that’s it all gone to shit
Into my DM’s you wanna sliiiide, I wanna joke about suicide
I’d love to love you, but I don’t get to choose when I go pyscho
So soz to say, but until your grave, you’re in the friendzone

Sebastian Noël

Good Attention

You taught me the value of good attention

It wasn’t long into a muggy Friday morning
That I could feel each individual cell of my makeup
Being analysed to their very atoms
With the same curiosity a infant gives it’s surroundings
Diagrams and graphs in your mind
As you burn holes into my sides
Like a figure in a collectors shelf
I surrender my life as a mere visual for a moment

It’s something I’ve needed for months now
Kisses and caresses with just a look
It engulfs the creases of my stomach
The stretches on my sides, the hairs on my back
You just say; “keep doing what your doing”
All you wanna do is give good attention
It pushes the blood in my veins
It places a good personality in the cockpit
It contradicts the paranoia
That gaze refutes a million doubts in one swoop

Declarations can be overwritten, promises can be broken
But there’s no refuting the value of good attention
And when the weight of observation becomes too heavy
You cradle your head upon my lap

Sebastian Noël

Paranoid Patty: So’ (Demo)

You represent an impossible world
You represent queerness unchallenged
You represent benefit from fulfilment
You represent a vacuum on my bedside

A smile and a stroke on the back
That’ll never come to fruition
But in the domain of the cognitive
Is that such a tragedy?
Cos in this universe for my eyes only
You never left my side
Cos in this universe confined to my room
You never left my side

One day
Sophie
You’ll be real
Yeah, one day soon…

I’ve not left the bed in 4 days
But I’m not alone
I’m talking to no reply
But I’m not paranoid
You wake me up at dawn
But you’re not trouble
They’re adamant you don’t exist
But I see more of you than I do of them

While my friends betray their attendance
With deafening silence
You suggest we get the Domino’s in
To salvage a miserable Monday
While my lovers back up their well-wishes
With complete absence
You were waking up next to me
Watching Saturday morning cartoons in bed

It breaks me when I act out of script
And my hand passes through your breast
The illusion comes crashing down
From where ever your projection originates
I’d surrender all my blood and flesh
To give you form in this world

If the Blue Fairy decides to empathize
Then the dimensional barriers could evaporate
Your arms would fill up my palms
As you fell from fiction
You’d speak to me on the fly
No preemptive, no choreography
What could I even say back to you?
The language hasn’t been established
To do the wash of emotions justice
But quote me on this: it’s only a matter of time

Yeah, one day
Sophie
You’re gonna be real
It’s just a matter of time…

–A ‘demo’ of the Paranoid Patty poetry set/book–

Sebastian Noël

Paranoid Patty: Jig Is Up (Draft)

The jig is up, the jacket’s off,
The sigh, cause and effect.
Ask me all you want, you know I’d never answer honestly.
Cos yes, maybe it was what you said that made me do it.
And if you see them, maybe it’s the only way to talk,
The only way you’ll listen without interrupting,
When I try improvising a verse together.
Cos I’ve never tried to speak about this before.

Something’s happening molecularly;
An absolute dissolution of my entire being.
People are closer then ever before,
But when they are, they don’t smile like before.
It used to give me a sense of purpose,
To give people the means to smile.
But people started to ask what I wanted too,
Now I’m at a loss for words.

Maybe what I want; you can’t give.
The fulfilment, the direction,
Something to put on my tombstone.
The support, the first response,
When the mind turns on itself.
The control, the peace,
As I learn to maintain myself.
It’s not fair to expect that from you.

He asked “then what can I give you?”
And it felt like a few seconds extended to hours.
I just nestled into his arm, as we lay on the settee,
Put my feet back in the blankets, as his cat lays on my lap.
Then it dawns on me the answer is: “Nothing.”
You’re just a spectator in the event called: Me.
You can’t be my hero, my mediator, you’re sort off; nothing.
Of course it doesn’t feel good to say that,
Plus I couldn’t even say no one else could be those things for me.
It really just… Depends

But for now, if you’ve a roof to cover me,
And there’s still a heart to occupy,
With a shit take away to fill our bellies
Maybe for now, that’s enough.

Sebastian Noël

Paranoid Patty: Decent

That’ll be £5.50 for the underground,
Just to come face to face with another educator,
As they deconstruct the many ways you fucked it this time.
Face sunk into your own scarf, revelling in your stench,
Clutching your Yabba-Fro-Chino, passing Euston.
Tastes like shit, makes your plasma pass at a snail’s rate,
Eons better than pushing trash down to avoid hunger.
Already feels like your insides are gonna give out.
Heart attack on the Hammersmith line, no hope there,
They’d sooner kick your corpse on the tracks to make it home.

The world around you is coming apart,
And that’s to say nothing of the world inside.
Millions of miles before anyone knows your name,
Even then it’s usually in infamy.
Ping! From your Facebook;
“Why can’t you come to this party you can’t afford?”
Ping! From your inbox;
“Why can’t you come home for xmas?
Fake a smile and share some crap food
With the very people who left the scars on your mind?”
She looks down, traces the cuts on her hands,
She wasn’t even sad when she made them last night.
She just wanted to get the same reaction from the outside,
As they’d give if they could see her insides.
The sigh from the bus driver, the looks from her classmates,
From being scared, broken and ruined.

She covers her mock exam results when she gets them.
She doesn’t wanna know if she’s fucked it all again.
She doesn’t wanna know if her momma were right.
She doesn’t wanna know if the voice in her head called it.
Little trip past the corner shop on her way home,
Maybe a little wine to shred time off this episode.
Gets to her room, collapsed in front of the screen.
She’s crying for help but she doesn’t know what she wants,
Cos she doesn’t believe when her friends say they miss her,
Cos she doesn’t believe it when her boy says he loves her.
What Sasquatch or deity is she looking for?
What they gotta say to make it all go away?
Her skin sags like it’s not connected to her body anymore,
Her psyche feels like 5 years out of sync.
Just reminds her she’s got no control of her body.
Anything she could be proud of is pouring from her fingers;
She can’t write any lines no more,
She can’t fuck to save her life no more,
And everytime she vocalises that, she makes someone cry.
So sit tight, mouth shut, as it all melts away.
Scratch your scalp as your hair’s coming out,
Readjust your eye as it’s falling from your sockets.
Your hearts beating extra drums out of sync,
Bed sheets ruined, as your life seeps out of your pores.
Finish the wine, try and lose consciousness for tonight,
Maybe it’ll be better tomorrow.

That’s what you said last night.

Sebastian Noël

Never Trust A Compliment

“Oh Seb, why do you have such low self-esteem?”
While a magnitude 7 transpires in my pocket,
As if to answer that very question.
A letter in the bandwidth arrives on my shores,
Meticulously designed to remind me:
I was born of flawed clay and to there I’ll return.
Any avenue not filled they’ll find there way;
Whatsapp, Insta or Kik. It’s all game.

Don’t tell me the lens focuses ‘Too much’ on the anti,
Cos every pleasantly is temporary.
All smiles turn into frowns, if given time.
Offers to hang out turn into reaching excuses.
She’ll let you know “Boy you’re so valid.”
She’ll say “You try so hard to illuminate those in your gaze.”
Two crumbs of Twix on her shoes later however:
I’ll epitomise a callous generation of dregs.

Danni holds my hand by the riverside,
When I accidentally get some water on her dress.
“I never asked to be with such a mental case.”
She advises me to get the 47 bus home.

Allie smiles over her mocha on our anniversary,
When I ordered a gingerbread latte when I meant hazelnut.
“You don’t know how to love anyone, and never will.”
I’m left alone with a cold drink I didn’t even want.

I’m staring Christine down the alter,
Her hand in mine, as we say our vows.
With a decade of hardships behind us,
With an extra year or two of love to call our own.
I look my bride longingly in the eyes,
And accidentally put the ring on her index finger.
“Everything they said about you is true, you’re such a cunt.”
SEB!? WHY DO YOU HAVE SUCH LOW SELF-ESTEEM!?

I can be the apple lodged in someone’s eye
And a thorn infesting their side by tomorrow.
The slander is what sticks,
While compliments are temporary,
Until you start to taste foul in their mouths
And we all know that nothing is succulent eternally.
So I believe what everlasts,
Not what only stays present on good behaviour.

Sebastian Noël