And They/Them Undid It All

[ CW: Transphobia, Ableist slurs ]

To think all it took was They/Them
Two single syllables was all it took to dismantle a timeline
They/Them vetoes years of our time
It still leaves me shook how abrupt the effect was
You couldn’t even bring yourself to hold me
As I mourn on the anniversary of my mother’s passing

They/Them undoes holding my hand down Forrest
Comparing our spoils from the capsule machines
People watching from the park benches
They/Them undoes trying to squeeze in time
During a school night hiding in Gratham’s backstreets
With your hands up my shirt, cigarette in mouth
They/Them undoes kissing the back of your neck
All the way down to your backside
While illuminated by the Itallian sun
People tell it’s been far too long to still be mad about it

You’re damn right, it’s been a year and a half and I’m still mad
I tried to sit on these feelings to get this verse just right
But time after time I find, that I just get more mad
When it dawns, all the little ways you’re still hurting me
Cos last night when I walked towards you at Royal Centre
Was the same night I couldn’t reach out to the woman I adore
She was calling out for me under the fluorescent lights
I couldn’t bring myself to lend her an ear

All because of the things you taught me during our time
That you can’t trust when someone says they care for you
That everyone’s love for you is conditional
That people can look you dead in the eye
Spin a lie that you’re the one that makes them high
Only to find out they were seeing through you the whole time

What ever happened to our time huh?
What happened to me being a consideration huh?
What happened to splitting the bill for the wine
On Autumn nights in central London
As you look me in the eye and tell me
How you thought it was so sad I didn’t see a future for myself
That you wanted to give me one yourself
That you wanted to have my kids one day
That you didn’t want to see a future without me
Fuckin’ They/Them undoes all of that huh?

So sorry about upending all our plans
Yeah it matters you won’t respect that I’m trans
Taking out all your bullshit out on me
Just because you never learned any tolerance
We’re not here to take the bullet for you
Just cos you wanna stay in the closet
Just cos you don’t wanna process your dysphoria
Yeah I wash my hands of it, it’s not my problem anymore
Die a miserable cis women for all I care
I could’ve talked you through it
Could’ve talked you through all your feelings
We could’ve started you on your best life
But you wanna destroy that you see in yourself
As you’d rather stop anyone from being themselves
Just cos you don’t wanna admit your own feelings

Well fuck you, I’m not gonna downplay myself
I’m a nonbinary, traumatised, gay as fuck spastic
I’m at full power now, I’m not gonna be quiet
I’ve never been happier in my own skin
I found the family who takes care of me
I found the lover who sees the enby in front of them
To which They/Them makes us stronger
Meanwhile you’re stuck lying about your life
I pray this is the last thing I ever write about you
I just recall you like a cringe schoolyard anecdote
Cos you’re a disgrace to the culture
A disgrace to Polyam folks
A disgrace to Kiwi’s worldwide
A disgrace to Autistics everywhere
I’m embarrassed I ever knew your transphobic ass
Fuck. You.

Sebastian Noël

I Still Got It

I still got it, got it, got it
Half a year on and I still got it
Still got that euphoria
Stemming from a more balanced wardrobe
From when the aesthetics keep people guessing
Even when catching the war gaze
Still got it, got it
Always had it, only now getting it
Finding the real me, only now just grabbing it
That hole in my soul, only now just filling it

But what I had to do to get it
My love, my mind, my status: All gone
Lovers saw the path, didn’t wanna walk
Say they love us, but couldn’t love me as one of us
Staring down the chambers, from every form of print
Reeling to see old friends, hesitate to lend to a hand
What else are they thinking? But never thought to say
Cos it wasn’t relevant, now it’s fucking relevant
Nothing to distract, from daily onslaught
Little fun with some company, notion long lost
All the smiles, turn into wretches of disgust
Liked better when they could squint, act like I was a man
Now they gotta see me, they don’t wanna know
My love, my mind, my status: All. Fucking. Gone

But there’s no way I’m gonna lose it
Not when I worked so hard to get it
It’s just a long process to wait
For everything in your life so far
To shrivel up, mould away and die
So summant better can take it’s place

Sebastian Noël