BPD, Abandonment and Accessibility

[ CW Mental Health BPD suicidal self harm ]

So I’ve been wondering what to say for #WorldMentalHealthDay it’s an odd thing I’m so open about my mental health and the intersections of issues between mental health and everything else it can be hard to know what to even talk about today. But I guess in the same way everyone talking about their mental health AT ALL is radical for them, maybe I should be open about sides of mental health I’m maybe more shy about. I wanna talk about my BPD and abandonment complex. But not in an empowering way, I just wanna vent so maybe people can understand

I’ve been struggling so much recently, as you all know I’ve gone from basically being isolated from everyone to having an actual queer family and network in relatively little time and I’m struggling with that. A lot is said about BPD folks always being afraid of people abandoning them, but no one every says how frequently these fears turn out to be true and no one says how much it hurts.

Every time I experience abandonment in some way it hurts. Not just hurts it’s a specific hurt my brain remembers and recalls every time. It’s the same intense hurt I felt the day my mother died, for those who know that bereavement recall that pain, for those who don’t try and imagine how devastating the feeling is as your mu is carried out of your house in a coffin in your teenage years. Now imagine that feeling constantly coming back, weekly and at times: Daily

Not via huge flashbacks mind, just from little interactions. The friend you thought you were getting to know suddenly being absent. Someone you’re speaking to suddenly giving you the cold shoulder. Something as small as that: The feeling comes back and it’s really THAT intense. Imagine that, imagine that life, cos that’s my life baayybbee. This is before we get into faux pas in more intimate relationships, espec with the wild west that is Polyamory where you can have a good rapport for someone and someone better then you can come along and: It’s over. The feelings comes back then and it doesn’t leave for a month, i’m supposed to pressure on with work and uni and life while feeling that. That is the worst part of BPD, to be punished so aggressively by yourself for mundane social interactions where no one’s to blame. There’s nothing to attack it from. It just is.

And like…. What am I gonna do? Tell the friends/partners in question I feel this way? And what? Get accused of emotional manipulating people as every BPD person is when they try to assert their feelings in any way shape or form? No you can’t, I learnt that fucking good and proper from my last relationship, if BPD folks stand up for themselves, your friends and partners will order ‘Walking on Eggshells’ on Amazon and weaponize your feelings against you, gaslight and abuse you. So you just have to sit on your feelings and when the self harm scars start propping up again just shrug and go “That’s the way it is”
Relationships, weather they be platonic or romantic, are not accessible for people like me

That sentence there ☝️ is how I’ve started to think about all this recently. Like it doesn’t have to be a case of suffering in silence and this be a proper I internalise and deal with myself. What if it CAN be viewed as an issue of accessibility? Then it was tackled in a similar way? I’ve been brainstorming ways to make an effort to try and advocate for myself and make my relationships more accessible. If I need accessibility is it not then a reasonable adjustment to ask someone for full disclosure on how they feel about me? Or for romance what their intention is with me?

I can already see the hurdles here. I’m autistic I already know people are gonna be sour about such an approach, espec romantically where we have a weird obsession with the ‘unsaid’ as this romantic trope. But fuck that I legit can’t deal with that and it’s fine! I’m going to make an effort to ask disclosure of people in the future, as awkward as it may be. There’s no established etiquette for this, it’s gonna be WEIRD but I wanna try it and maybe for the people I know it’ll be normalised.
That’s tough in another way, it requires both a level of trust that you have to take people’s responses at face value and believe them (So fucking hard) and a level of self assurance that you’re worth these extra adjustments when interacting with people. When you’re told you’re an other: Ugly, Grim, Undesirable, A gobshite, pyscho and ‘high maintenance’ your WHOLE LIFE it can be hard to wield that confidence. But I know it’s something I gotta do

I mean that’s kinda it honestly? I guess I just want to lay that done and say, if people with mental health issues are asking for these adjustments when speaking to you, if you care about that person just friggin do it lmao it takes so little and it means so much to us. We’re already putting ourselves at risk by subverting such a established way of being, like please help make our interacting with the world more accessible. From the autism side I’m deffo gonna start carrying meltdown cards and the like, there’s nothing wrong with asserting that the world should be more accessible for you.

Split [W.I.P]

I don’t wanna split, don’t wanna split
But everyone’s content with lying
The taste of Superman courses through the glands
But it’s more then a tap of the snooze button
Oh it’s more then a case of being present
And it takes a lot more time then you got to spare
And we mustn’t hate those who spit out the food
After biting of more then they knew they were chewing
Cos any hand outstretched, no matter how weak the grip
Was always put there with the purest of intentions

And even when you work your arse to the bone
Sometimes you just run out of the stuff
Time, Soul, Care or even Heart
We should only give what we can spare
Cos our throne’s are waiting at the summit
And we ain’t got very long to make the hike up there
People you see they just don’t wanna follow you
You hand them the water and it tastes like sewage
Only then do you stop to see the state of your arms
Covered in bruises and scratches
We all want to be the hero if it’s in our sights
But sometimes it kills you, and they just gotta wait

So I tell you again I really don’t wanna split
Even though you felt the need to lie
I really can’t stand to split again
Even though all you do is fucking lie
I don’t want to hurt anyone again
And it hurts to accept your help
As much as it hurts you to give to me
I guess I gotta stay patient


You Have To Want To Help, Therein Lies The Problem; You Don’t

I bid them adieu
I say sayonara, au revoir
As everyone who kept close
Starts to board for smoother seas
They’ve grown so tired of my shit
They don’t have to say
Especially in the current climate
Where I take a look away as a stab in the back

It’s always a bad prophecy
Like a siern’s perish song
Any resemblance of affection
Always destined to change
Under the blood moon’s ray
Into venomous slurs and bile

I see your attention fading
A sure-fire sign
I know it’s gonna sting
So why prolong it?
I always bombard you with tragedy
Your loved ones put a price on my head
Objectively I make your life worse
So why not rip the band-aid early?
So you can avoid any guilt
I’ll just get it over with and tell you to fuck off

There’s no prayer that can save me now
I’m too deep into it now
Drop the flash grenade
And head for the hills
Cos once your marked
It’s impossible to wash it away
And it can only end in tears
Unless you really can save me
Keep an ear out for my cries
Douse the fire in my soul
But I know you’re all the same
If it’s not an obligation to domestic misery
It’s the flipside: a full-time infatuation sceptical
A much better use of your time
Then to be used on a lost soul like me
So don’t get my hopes up, stay away from me