So it’s that time of year again, bereavement day, I think we’re at 6 or 7 years since I lost my mum

I guess this year in particular is special, just basicly due to everything leading up to today. I’ve been doing a lot of therapy and the like throughout this whole year, getting more help then I ever did but especially as of late it’s been casting a blazing light over my upbringing and childhood in general, cos y’know it’s therapy so of course it has. I’ve found great comfort as of late in expressing this with the ‘ol poetry, like about being disappointed my mum didn’t stand up for me from my abusive dad, y’know pretty standard stuff for a boy in my position :L and I guess that’s weird cos I’ve just submitted and taken to the opinion of you have respect the dead in every way, just view them as angels, be standard sad every now and then and get on with life. In a way this was like a bind and didn’t allow me to grieve properly not like I have been this past year. Sounds like sprialing down the rabbit hole but I know I’m healthier for it

But I guess the frustrating thing is expressing that causes people to jump the gun and assume a lot of things, like I won’t be sad today because I hate my mum and curse the very soil she’s buried in, but bereavement isn’t that fucking easy or straight forward. A lot of these frustrations about my upbringing is flat out due to absence, that’s where a lot of the anger for her comes from. She died without answering for herself or even knowing that she did anything wrong cos fuck I didn’t know I was having a shitty time when I was a kid or a teen why would I? In that environment you don’t know any better cos it’s all you know. That’s a really hard thing to swallow when your becoming more mentally healthy and it becomes more apparent your upbringing was kind of abusive, you just wanna get mad and demand answers, why she let my dad treat me how he did and why she never stood up for me, but you can’t there’s no one there to yell at or get mad at, nothing! That’s what these OTT poems I do on this blog about my mum are for, just a way of venting that anger out.

But here’s the thing about that, for me to be so angry I have to feel betrayed and If I just hate my mother now how can I feel betrayed? Don’t feel like that about my dad cos he’s lived as a cunt and will die as a cunt. But of course I feel so mad cos I do love my mum and miss her so much, it’s just baffling in my family’s little abusive circlejerk that any criticisms laid on a person means your going against everyone and everything. Cos duh right? Hearing them criticisms puts them in the spotlight and maybe makes them realise they arn’t the greatest family members themselves. But why do that when you can make the ‘difficult’ child shut up?

Like I guess what I’m getting at, it’s kind of sad I have to keep every member of my family away in order to grieve properly, in my way that’s kind of disappointing. Also that having that angry feeling doesn’t mean you don’t miss or love someone, having someone be absent really can just fuck a person up like that and sometimes it’s not as straight forward as worshipping them as a god or condemning them to hell. You flip-flop between both as any human would, and that’s normal and it’s okay just give the grieving the room to do so and do NOT by any means judge them or try to silence them based on where on the scale they are. They just need time, we all do