sure, it’s very subtle so don’t feel bad. it took me many years and some therapy to finally be able to detect it.
here is a standard splitting episode for me:
after a long day my boyfriend is 20 minutes late to cuddle with me. i feel distanced from him. emotionally. i’m not consciously thinking it, but due to the rejection of feeling unimportant to someone i’ve been longing for, i start to experience some emotional amnesia. <-the first sign of splitting.
i distract myself with other things. youtube. tumblr. it’s numbing me out and i’m barely aware of the change in perception. i’m barely aware that i’m even feeling abandoned (because logically that would not make sense. he’s sitting in the living room).
when he finally comes to bed, i’m less inclined to put my arms around him. he’s joking with me because in his mind nothings changed, but to me, as someone who has momentarily forgotten what it’s like to love him wholeheartedly, i find myself feeling annoyed. <-second sign of splitting.
if my feelings were thoughts they’d say, “my passion for you is gone, how are you fucking laughing right now? guess you never cared from the start if you have the nerve to take this shit lightly” <-third sign of splitting.
(mind you i’m not expressing anything other than defensive body language because i’m so irritated and don’t know what to say).
i finally say something snappy out of pent up anger and annoyance. he defends himself. we argue. his angry face makes him look ugly through my eyes, now tainted by those distorted black thoughts. <-fourth sign of splitting.
i’m vaguely recalling what it felt to care about him just this morning. it was nice to find him handsome, clever, funny…caring. it’s weird not to remember what that feels like. i’m angry his act of abandonment has taken that away from me. i hate him. <-NAIL IN THE FUCKING COFFIN. I’M SPLITTING, AHH!!!
-end scene-
-K
bpd4bpd.tumblr.com
I hate how much I relate to this
Domestic Poetry 